Should It Hurt This Bad?

[SpikesPuppy]

It's been almost a month and a half since I said goodbye to my gorgeous girl, Timothy. The first few weeks I was alright, I knew it was her time, i knew she was ready and life was too much for her. But over the last 3 or so weeks, I've been struggling to deal with it. I've been so depressed, finding it really hard to concentrate (and I've just started a TAFE course, which I've missed half of due to distraction and general depression) and every time I see a Dobie, German Pinscher or Manchester Terrier (or a GSP's ears!) my heart gets heavy and I just miss her so much.

I've said goodbye to so many pets over the years (the joys of rodents, eh!), and other dogs, and one of my horses, and while it's been heartbreaking, I've been able to move on, with the occasional pangs when it's an anniversary, their birthday, looking at photos etc. But with Tim, it's been so differnt. Prehaps it's because she was with me half my life (she was my 11th birthday present, I'm now 21) and she was given to me shortly after my mum came out of a 6-month hospital stay. And we just DID so much together. She was MY first dog, as opposed to a family dog.

I don't know. I just wish I didn't feel like this. I just don't know what to do at the moment. I've been spending extra time with my other furkids, working harder than ever with them, but it hasn't made me feel any better.

Does anyone have any tips or hints on 'moving on' or at the very least, coping with such a loss?

Thank you,

Elsa

[labsrule]

Hi Elsa

You need to give yourself time to grieve properly as it is only 6 weeks since you lost your baby and all the feelings you currently have, are the "normal" feelings associated with grieving for the loss of a treasured and beloved pet.

I personally don't believe there is a time limit on when you come to terms with the loss of a beloved pet as everybody has different ways and timeframes for dealing with their grief. The closer and deeper the bond, the longer and harder it is to come to terms with

For me personally, losing a beloved pet, is like losing a child and you never truly get over it, you never ever forget them, but time allows you to "deal" with it and cope with life.

I truly feel for you during this extremly difficult time as the pain and anguish I experienced when I lost my darling Cassie, my beloved black labrador 7 years ago, is forever "seared" into my heart.

Even though you are heartbroken, profoundly sad and totally devastated, you WILL get thru this, as time is a great healer.

[Labsmum]

Elsa, it is ok what you are going through. I can relate to a lot of what you said. I was not myself for months after I lost my lab boy Maya. I had him from puppy to old man and he shared special years of my life. I couldn't believe how hard I took it but it has gotten better now. It is important to let the tears come up when they do, for me they would come at surprising times and take me over. I made a little alter for him with his collar and some dried flowers that someone gave me when he went. I put his pic up in the lounge and would look at it when I cried. I haven't been quite the same person since loosing him, I crashed my car, missed my mothers birthday and nearly failed my tafe course. I found it hard to go back to the places we used to go together. Even the guide dog money box labrador at the supermarket would get me crying (Maya growled at one once ). It is 9 months now and it is not so bad now. What has helped me a bit too is fostering another old dog like him, but that was not till 6 months after I lost him.

Go easy on yourself, it is a big thing and can be very lonely too. Only those who have had a similar experience can understand. It was brave of you and healing imo to write here. PM me anytime if you wish to talk about Timothy.

[LouiseF]

Elsa, I lost my bully X, Diesel, in January. He would have been 18 later this year.

I was prepared to be sad, and to cry. What I WASN'T prepared for was just how much it hurts. That was a real shock to my system.

It still hurts.

It really is just time that you need. Time, and knowing that other dog people understand how you feel, and also knowing that you gave a wonderful dog a wonderful life. It sounds like a simple answer, but it's the only answer. It's a normal grieving process. It feels unhealthy because you're so depressed, but it's quite the opposite. It would be unhealthy if you DIDN'T grieve.

If time goes by and you still feel you're not coping as a normal person would, seek some counselling.

[InspectorRex]

Hugs to you Elsa .

I have a cry nearly every other day for the lovely Collies I have lost since 2003( 4 in all- a 14 yo , a 9mth pup, ,my avatar girl at 7.5yrs last July and then Bundy, our beautiful Rescue Collie that God only gave us for 3mths) and my Mum to Cancer.

It is OK to cry.

we are all here for each other as they were our "family" not just dogs as a lot of people would say.

Having never had human kids my furkids are my babies and it hurts like damn hell when you lose one

[I Heart Aussies]

I'm sorry you are hurting so much over the loss of Miss Timothy who looks absolutely adorable might I add in that photo.

I know a little about grief and have had grief counselling a few years ago over something that happened in my life. The best thing you can do to move forward is to actively "do" things. Channel your energy and thoughts into finding ways to create remember your friend. Here are some ideas.

Write a letter to Miss Timothy.

Write a poem or create a web site in memory of Timothy.

Put a lot of effort and thought into finding something very special and precious to buy in special memory of Timothy eg. a beautiful garden ornament; a lovely plant (keeping in mind it may die and cause upset); special figurine/ornament; maybe buy yourself a nice necklace or pendant that lets you put a photo inside. I just did a Google on 'dog memorial items' and there are tons of things out there to give you ideas.

Are you a crafty person? ....Make a scrapbook album about Timothy. Make a handmade card with photo to send to your Vet.

Hope this helps.

Michelle

[SpikesPuppy]

Thank you everyone for your kind words of support. My thoughts go out to all of you as well.

I meant to reply earlier than this but coming back into this thread has been difficult to do. But all your lovely words and knowing I'm not alone in feeling this way- makes it a little easier.

I'm going to talk to my GP about it, and possibly get something to help me sleep (I have the same horrible dreams abut Tim over and over and over-it's really messing my already-crazy sleep patterns up!)

I've had to put my TAFE course on hold for the time-being, explaining why wasn't an easy task and I think I am now viewed as a crazy person but we can't help the way we feel and we can't help how grief choses to work it's way through us.

I bought myself a little Dobermann figurine a few weeks back, it's American and so has cropped ears but it's still a Dobie. I'm also on the lookout (as are my friends) for a decent Dobie stuffed toy. However, my friend bought me a giant pink stuffed bunny the week after Tim left us- nice to cuddle when it's cold, and takes up some of 'Tim's space' on the bed hehe.

I'm working on a small poem/passage about her to put on the cremation company's website, but it's taking time. I haven't found all the right words yet. So many things to say about her, so many stories to tell!

I also have a small locket which I bought just before Tim left us, when I buy some varnish or similar I plan to paste some of her ashes into it, so she can be with me always.

Also, I got my new computer the afternoon after Tim left us (Mum decided I needed one and it was the perfect time as it would give me something to do) so I named it 'Timothy'.

KayeL- I understand what you mean about the Guide Dog Money boxes, and bringing back memories of Maya. When Tim was a pup, she'd try and crawl down the storm-water drains on the side of the footpath, If I allow myself to look at them, the memories come flooding in and I get teary. Who gets teary looking at a drain?

I knew it was going to be difficult, and it's always taken time to 'move on' (poor choice of wording!) from the loss of my other late pets, but I'm still suprised at how difficult this has been.

Once again, thank you so much everyone.

This is the gorgeous box in which Timothy now resides; it's somewhat theraputic to run my hands along the carving.

And this is a banner of her that i found. I made it a few months back and forgot I even had it!

Edited April 9, 2006 by SpikesPuppy

[shoemonster]

I agree, it's ok to cry and it's ok to hurt, it's not been very long, and the pain will get less as time goes on, but that does not ever mean that you don't miss her just as much

The one thing that helps me is to think that though it may be a short life to us, to them it is a full life, and a happy life with you

[I Heart Aussies]

Love the Banner :-)

It certainly sounds to me like you are working through your grief in a healthy constructive way. Let yourself have these feelings, let yourself cry. Work through it as you can, ie if it takes you 6 months to write the poem then so be it.

[Ysabel]

My deepest sympathy

i found it hard to cope when i lost my lad, and the hole in my life was huge as he was an only dog and went everywhere with me.

What i found hardest to deal with was that my peers etc had no idea what i was going through, and that isolation made it so much harder. i wish i had found these forums, ppl here are great and understand that they are not *just dogs*. Most ppl do not understand your attachment to your babies, and veiw the loss of one like losing a peice of furniture. Your grief is normal .. you have lost a child and you miss her. No one expects a parent to get over the loss of a child quickly, or to not miss their baby because they have others .. so you shouldn't expect the same from yourself.

Ysabel

[LouiseF]

When Tim was a pup, she'd try and crawl down the storm-water drains on the side of the footpath, If I allow myself to look at them, the memories come flooding in and I get teary. Who gets teary looking at a drain? ;)

Sweetie, let me tell you something. About a month after Diesel died, I saw peaches on special at the supermarket and burst into tears right there in the fruit & veg section, because Diesel liked peaches. I thought the same thing at the time - "who the hell cries over peaches?". So we're not alone.

[Ons]

I had to put my beloved Daisy to sleep last Monday because her heart was only getting worse and the vet said the only option was yet stronger medication but she wouldn't get any better and I didn't want her to suffer. People have said but you didn't tell me but I couldn't because I would just burst into tears when I thought about her.

Work has been pretty busy since so that helps a little. Also so my other dog wouldn't be so lost after Daisy passed away I ordered another golden retriever puppy thinking that she and Onsy would bond then when daisy passed it wouldn't be so hard for him. I really thought Daisy would have more time on this earth but it wasn't to be and Matilda-Rose arrived home on Saturday. That in a way is a distraction because I had forgotten how exhausting little pups are but in no way makes me forget my darling little Daisy.

I guess time does heal a bit and hope it heals for you. But don't beat yourself up for still missing your beloved dog.

[SpikesPuppy]

Oh Louise, thank you for sharing your peaches story! It really helps knowing that other people get upset over such silly things. Darn our dogs for having quirky tastes & habits

Thank you, Ysabel ;)

OnslowsMum- so sorry to hear of your loss. I also know what you mean about not having told people, I only told my closest friends about Tim at first. The ones who I knew loved her almost as much as I do. Everyone else only sorta found out when they had to (like when a friend came over and noticed the empty yard!).

I hope little Matilda-Rose is settling in and helping Onslow along, and you of course. The distraction can certainly help.

Thanks again Very theraputic to sit here and sorta ramble away. And read other people's experiences and feelings. It's really helpful.

[LouiseF]

No problem. I've put a thread for Diesel in this section, entitled "1988 - 23 Jan 2006", if you want to see pics of Diesel have a quick look in there.

[Madi]

Elsa,

I undestand, i had my baby from the age of 8 till i was 21 and lost her in september. so 7 months ago. It took a long time for friends and family to understand that she was my girl my baby and it is heartbreaking. I now have her ashes in a white gold locket with her collar next to my bed and i still cry... and like you i cry at odd times. Especially when it storms as i have instinctivly gone to bring her in from the laundry, and now people think im afraid of storms. like everyone else has said, there is no time, and they are you baby's and allthough some people have no idea, everyone here feels for you and in time things will get better

I hope your doing well

I am going t o the pound in a few weeks to get a new one, allthough i feel guilty i just realise i am not replacing her or the loss in my heart but just giving another dog a chance at a wonderfull life.

Madi

[Kirty]

I know how you feel. I lost my horse a few years ago and I still find it hard to talk about. People think I'm crazy and they just don't understand why it makes me so upset. But Goof was my soul mate - he was the one who I could always count on, no matter what was happening, he was always there. I trusted him with my life. I know there will never be another horse who can ever match up to Goofy and that also makes it really hard. But I also know that he will always be with me, and whenever I'm feeling really down, I go to our special place so I can be closest to him.

I hope that in time your heart will stop aching and that you can just remember the love that you shared. I'm really sorry for your loss.

[Tornado]

I'm so sorry that you're feeling this way. My Lassie died two years ago, and this year, on the anniversary of her birthday, I have found it particularly difficult to cope. I just keep thinking about her and her last days, how difficult it was (we didn't know what was wrong with her, although the vet was trying to find out. I was pretty sure it would turn out to be cancer, and it did.) and the way she looked at me when I left her at the vet for tests at one stage. It is hard to get over, and it will probably come back at times, but there will be times when it isn't so bad as well. Just keep hanging in there.

Lynne.

[Deerhound]

Hugs Elsa.

This is my first post at DOL.

Suzanne recently told me about your loss of Miss Timothy and I wanted to express my sympathy. She was a magic dog and very special. Although I never met her in person I always felt I knew her. Your descriptions of her made her very real to me.

It took me a long time to get over the loss of my first Deerhound Herne. Perhaps because he had been so terribly abused before I rescued him and I promised him he would never be hurt or frightened again? Always felt I broke that promise. He did not die peacefully and well.

I was tormented by nightmares about him for a long time afterwards.

Sometimes I wanted to talk about Herne. Often talked far too much but my doggy friends understood. Other times I didn't want to talk at all.

Writing about him helped a lot. Eventually I could remember the good times. The funny times. Instead of only the terrible day when he died. That's when the bad dreams stopped.

Seven months after Herne's death I went to the Royal Melbourne show on Deerhound day. Got to the third benched dog and broke down in tears. The dog's owners didn't think I was an idiot. They understood.

Weyland Deerhound was born 8 months and 1 day after Herne's death. We've been soul mates for six years now.

Herne will never be forgotten. Nor will any of the other special dogs we have loved over the years. With time you can talk and remember them without feeling like your insides are being ripped out. You never forget them. They are always a part of you.

Hope this helps a bit Elsa.

Anne...

[Muttaburra]

Hi Elsa, there's others here in Rainbow Bridge that have been through similar experience of loss, and for some it just takes time for the feelings to not be so overwhelming.

My grandpa used to say "never give your heart to an animal", it sounds strange, because he loved animals, but what he meant was that dogs and some animals have much shorter lives than the average human, and so in giving our heart we are also going to feel great loss when our pet dies, even if it is from natural causes at an old age. But it is always better to have loved....

My sympathy for your loss.

[SpikesPuppy]

Thank you once again, everyone

It's been almost 3 months now and I think I'm starting to deal better. There's been a few thunderstorms and I've gone into a quick panic thinking "I've got to bring Tim in!" and I go to get her and of course realise that no, I don't. While this is painful, there's also a sense of relief knowing that she doesn't have to be afraid of the storms any more! She's at peace and not afraid any longer.

Poor Spike's a little lonely though as he's the only dog who gets put outside when we're not home. I'd leave him inside with the others but he prefers to be outside. Prehaps we need another puppy so he's not lonely when we're not home

Hi Deerhound Thank you, I've missed talking to you so much!

Abergavenny- I certainly see where your Grandpa was coming from! Sometimes i wonder why I do it. WHY do I give my heart to these critters? And as you said, it's better to have loved and lost!

Thank you once again, I have some photos of Tim which I will post shortly.