Goodbye my precious boy

[tdierikx]

@NikkiandKane - very special humans sometimes get to have a very special dog come into their lives to be their soulmates. All too often the time we have with our very special friends is way too short, but the bond is all the stronger because of the short time you had together. When they leave us, they take a piece of our soul with them... we feel broken forever because of that. The pain never goes away, but we do manage to come to terms with it, and know that our friend will always be connected to us even though that bond is no longer a physical one.

 

The Rainbow Bridge poem sometimes helps to make us feel a bit better...

 

"There is a bridge connecting Heaven and Earth.
It is called the Rainbow Bridge because of all its beautiful colors.
Just this side of the Rainbow Bridge there is a land of meadows,
hills and valleys with lush green grass.
When a beloved pet dies, the pet goes to this place.
There is always food and water and warm spring weather.
The old and frail animals are young again.
Those who were sick, hurt or in pain are made whole again.
There is only one thing missing,
they are not with their special person who loved them so much on earth.
So each day they run and play until the day comes
when one suddenly stops playing and looks up!
The nose twitches! The ears are up!
The eyes are staring and this one runs from the group!
You have been seen and when you and your special friend meet,
you take him in your arms and hug him.
He licks and kisses your face again and again -
and you look once more into the eyes of your best friend and trusting
pet.
Then you cross the Rainbow Bridge together never again to be apart.

Author: Unknown"

 

Much love and deepest sympathies to you from one who know EXACTLY how you are feeling right now...

 

T.

 

[Little Gifts]

I lost my girl Tempeh far too young in November 2018. I had to make the decision to euthanise a physically healthy dog that I'd had since a foster puppy because her brain had made her so unpredictable and dangerous. The decision broke me. DOL knew about her since I'd fostered her yet I couldn't post on here because I couldn't cope with the thread about it sitting here as a reminder. She'd left some of her breakfast in her dish (just kibble) and two days after she was gone my sister threw it and the dish out thinking she was doing me a favour. I had a total melt down and she rummaged through the bin getting it all out again but it wasn't the same (a part of me may not still have forgiven her). I wanted to turn back the clock and couldn't cope with anything else changing. Despite having a heart dog who is very comforting and in tune with my moods, I still sleep to right this day with one of Tempeh's coats on a big stuffed toy on my bed. I reach over and feel the straps and it gives me comfort. I still want what I always wanted for her - to be ok.

 

We went from being a 3 dog family for forever down to being a 1 dog family in a very short period of time. I went from being an owner who was fully committed to this poor beautiful girl to the person who took her chance to overcome her struggles away from her because it was 'easier' (of course it was our last option by then). It was hard for all of us but because I made the final decision I was impossibly hard on myself and probably still haven't forgiven myself for it ending up like that. A couple of things helped me through it. First was Tempeh herself. I got signs from her that she was ok and knew it was coming and that it was the right thing for her because she really was struggling with this world. In my mind she is smiling and being silly (which makes me type this all through tears). I still look at photos of her on that last day and she'd had enough.  It was there on her tortured face. I felt her around me a lot from the day she went over the bridge (still do even though we've moved house). I talk to her when she comes just like I did when she was alive. Then another shar pei owning friend known here on DOL passed away about 6 months later and his boy needed a new family. We weren't sure we needed another dog but our remaining dog was struggling being an only dog for the first time ever. There was lots of discussion, finger crossing and tears from all sides - it was a big decision for everyone. Surprisingly the two dogs have done well together from that first day and are actually very similar in the things they love and are always together. I kept the whole thing very quiet out of fear of more heartache and judgement too. We love our new boy so and it has taken him a while to accept we are his new forever home rather than just some nice people he is staying long term with (his dad was sick on and off for an extended period). We are nothing like his dad (they ordered each other) and the adventurous life he used to have but I think wounds have been healed on both sides by our union. If Jonah can overcome his loss and make the best of his new life we can do the same.

 

I never would've gone out and got another dog to heal the pain from losing a beloved pet but you have to trust the universe sometimes. I don't feel I have disrespected Tempeh by having Jonah in our life so quickly either. She was gone physically but will never been forgotten. It is not a competition. Same for Jonah and how I am sure he would still feel if his dad suddenly walked through the door. But it helps to be needed and to share loss. It helps to have a positive distraction and to redirect your energies and focus. And it definately helps to be able to share your feelings with other crazy dog people who understand exactly how heartbreaking going through an experience like this is. And the funny thing is there is always more love in our broken little hearts - we just have to find somewhere new to direct what we have while the damaged part heals. Jonah taught me that!

[NikkiandKane]

The morning Kane got sick, he still had his coat on from the night before. When we got to the vet, the vet took it off him and handed it to me.

he loved that coat, it was so funny how we dangled it and showed him at the end of the hall each night to get him to run to our room for bedtime. We would put it on him and he would hop into his crate and go to sleep.

i haven’t been anywhere the past few days but yesterday got into my car to go to the shops and there was Kane’s little coat on the seat, still there from when he was last in the car. I held it and smelled it and sobbed.

that coat doesn’t fit Scout but I think I will always keep it, it reminds me so much of my boy.

here he is, only days before he died, in his little coat he loved so much.

[NikkiandKane]

We have a cause of death. Secondary peritonitis caused by dehiscence of his surgical wound from bowel obstruction surgery.

 

i also had the beautiful offer from his breeder to give me pick of litter from his parents next litter at no cost.

 

its nice to have answers. I just wish those answers could have helped before we lost him.

[tdierikx]

Kane was meant to be in your life for only a short time...

 

He taught you many things, including unconditional love and joy for life...

 

Remember him with huge smiles for the wonderful memories he gave you... not the pain of his having to leave much too soon. He wouldn't like you being so sad...

 

T.

[moosmum]

So sorry for your loss.I have been following your journey with Kane and so sad for his passing so young. 

Re the grief, I'm an old hand but it doesn't get easier. When its sudden like that, it puts you into shock. long ago I gave myself permission to be a wreak until I'm not.

 

I was just thinking I am ready to write a eulogy for The Moo near a year after her sudden loss and 8 days ago  lost my other girl suddenly too. Shock and anger for 2 days, then reality hit and I am a mess. Crying with you in heartfelt sympathy.  Not alright, but we will get there.

 

[NikkiandKane]

On 07/07/2020 at 11:12 AM, moosmum said:

Shock and anger for 2 days, then reality hit and I am a mess.

I am back and forth through these emotions constantly.

since finding out the cause of death, I feel like I need to find a new vet. I don’t believe his death was their fault because they couldn’t have known what was going on inside of him but I feel like they would have known when he came back into the vet what may have been happening but they never mentioned it, even when septicaemia was confirmed they were still saying he must have eaten something else, I was sure he hadn’t. So they were either quiet to avoid any question of liability or they were not good enough vets to consider that option as possible.

[tdierikx]

20 minutes ago, NikkiandKane said:

I am back and forth through these emotions constantly.

since finding out the cause of death, I feel like I need to find a new vet. I don’t believe his death was their fault because they couldn’t have known what was going on inside of him but I feel like they would have known when he came back into the vet what may have been happening but they never mentioned it, even when septicaemia was confirmed they were still saying he must have eaten something else, I was sure he hadn’t. So they were either quiet to avoid any question of liability or they were not good enough vets to consider that option as possible.

The reaction he had to his sutures that you sought treatment for soon after the surgery... were they the internal or the external sutures he was reacting to? If he was reacting to the internal sutures, then it is possible that the deeper layers of same could have been having a reaction too... but the treatment did clear up the visible reaction, yes? So it follows that it would have had a positive effect on the deeper layer suture reaction also...

 

Sometimes complications like this just happen, and can be so hard to diagnose and treat.. even for the world's most experienced vets. Dogs are so good at hiding the full extent of some issues... and so we can only treat what we can see is obviously wrong. From Kane's symptoms, the vet would not have thought that a deeper issue was brewing, or that blood tests might need to be taken to ascertain same. The treatment did clear up the visible problem, but that million to one chance that the problem was much more serious just happened to be the case here. Please don't get angry with the vet for not picking it up at the time... that will only make you more sad, and still won't bring Kane back to you.

 

I say the following from my own experience with the same deep sense of loss... please focus on all of Kane's wonderful memories - the times he made you laugh at his silliness and crazy antics - the times he cuddled with Scout (whether she wanted him to or not) - the times he snuggled up to you and gave you those precious staffy kisses - and just what a wonderful young lad he was in general. Time will make the hurt fade...

 

Hugs...

 

T.

[NikkiandKane]

4 hours ago, tdierikx said:

ometimes complications like this just happen, and can be so hard to diagnose and treat.. even for the world's most experienced vets. Dogs are so good at hiding the full extent of some issues... and so we can only treat what we can see is obviously wrong. From Kane's symptoms, the vet would not have thought that a deeper issue was brewing, or that blood tests might need to be taken to ascertain same. The treatment did clear up the visible problem, but that million to one chance that the problem was much more serious just happened to be the case here. Please don't get angry with the vet for not picking it up at the time... that will only make you more sad, and still won't bring Kane back to you.

Oh I know and that’s why I said I don’t think it’s their fault, that they couldn’t have known what was going on inside, not until it was too late anyway.
what I’m referring to is the day it all went wrong, when they told me he had septicaemia and the ultrasounds showed unusual gas patterns and perhaps a rupture. I don’t know where my head was but I didn’t think of his previous surgical site but I’m sure they did, they didn’t mention it though. I’m sure it would’ve made no difference but in my mind honesty goes a long way in trust building.

i am trying to just focus on the good times for sure. Laughing over his funny little antics. It’s very raw still though and last Thursday keeps running through my mind.

 

[persephone]

58 minutes ago, NikkiandKane said:

It’s very raw still though and last Thursday keeps running through my mind.

 

Oh, it IS raw..it's only a very short time ..your mind will still be scrambled and reactive ...