Why losing a dog can be harder than losing a relative or friend

[Boronia]

http://www.abc.net.au/news/2017-03-15/why-losing-a-dog-can-be-harder-than-losing-a-relative-or-friend/8356594

Why losing a dog can be harder than losing a relative or friend

Opinion

The Conversation

By Frank McAndrew, Knox College

Posted yesterday at 3:32pm

 

Photo: Dogs are a huge part of their owners' routines, which makes their loss even more jarring. (Flickr: Bernadette Dye)

Related Story: Life getting you down? There are always dogs

Recently, my wife and I went through one of the more excruciating experiences of our lives — the euthanasia of our beloved dog Murphy.

I remember making eye contact with Murphy moments before she took her last breath — she flashed me a look that was an endearing blend of confusion and the reassurance that everyone was ok because we were both by her side.

When people who have never had a dog see their dog-owning friends mourn the loss of a pet, they probably think it's all a bit of an overreaction; after all, it's "just a dog".

However, those who have loved a dog know the truth: your own pet is never "just a dog".

Many times, I've had friends guiltily confide to me that they grieved more over the loss of a dog than over the loss of friends or relatives.

Research has confirmed that for most people, the loss of a dog is, in almost every way, comparable to the loss of a human loved one.

Unfortunately, there's little in our cultural playbook — no grief rituals, no obituary in the local newspaper, no religious service — to help us get through the loss of a pet, which can make us feel more than a bit embarrassed to show too much public grief over our dead dogs.

Perhaps if people realised just how strong and intense the bond is between people and their dogs, such grief would become more widely accepted.

This would greatly help dog owners to integrate the death into their lives and help them move forward.

An interspecies bond like no other

What is it about dogs, exactly, that make humans bond so closely with them?

For starters, dogs have had to adapt to living with humans over the past 10,000 years.

And they've done it very well: they're the only animal to have evolved specifically to be our companions and friends.

Anthropologist Brian Hare has developed the "domestication hypothesis" to explain how dogs morphed from their grey wolf ancestors into the socially skilled animals that we now interact with in very much the same way as we interact with other people.

Dogs and depression

 

 

More people are realising the benefits of using dogs in therapeutic settings, writes Deirdre Fidge. After all, dogs never judge — only love.

Perhaps one reason our relationships with dogs can be even more satisfying than our human relationships is that dogs provide us with such unconditional, uncritical positive feedback.

(As the old saying goes, "may I become the kind of person that my dog thinks I already am.")

This is no accident. They have been selectively bred through generations to pay attention to people, and MRI scans show that dog brains respond to praise from their owners just as strongly as they do to food (and for some dogs, praise is an even more effective incentive than food).

Dogs recognise people and can learn to interpret human emotional states from facial expression alone.

Scientific studies also indicate that dogs can understand human intentions, try to help their owners and even avoid people who don't cooperate with their owners or treat them well.

Not surprisingly, humans respond positively to such unrequited affection, assistance and loyalty.

Just looking at dogs can make people smile.

Dog owners score higher on measures of wellbeing and they are happier, on average, than people who own cats or no pets at all.

Like a member of the family

Our strong attachment to dogs was subtly revealed in a recent study of "misnaming."

Misnaming happens when you call someone by the wrong name, like when a parent mistakenly calls one of their kids by a sibling's name.

It turns out that the name of the family dog also gets confused with human family members, indicating that the dog's name is being pulled from the same cognitive pool that contains other members of the family.

(Curiously, the same thing rarely happens with cat names.)

It's no wonder dog owners miss them so much when they're gone.

Psychologist Julie Axelrod has pointed out that the loss of a dog is so painful because owners aren't just losing the pet.

It could mean the loss of a source of unconditional love, a primary companion who provides security and comfort, and maybe even a protégé that's been mentored like a child.

The loss of a dog can also seriously disrupt an owner's daily routine more profoundly than the loss of most friends and relatives.

For owners, their daily schedules — even their vacation plans — can revolve around the needs of their pets.

Changes in lifestyle and routine are some of the primary sources of stress.

According to a recent survey, many bereaved pet owners will even mistakenly interpret ambiguous sights and sounds as the movements, pants and whimpers of the deceased pet.

This is most likely to happen shortly after the death of the pet, especially among owners who had very high levels of attachment to their pets.

While the death of a dog is horrible, dog owners have become so accustomed to the reassuring and nonjudgmental presence of their canine companions that, more often than not, they'll eventually get a new one.

So yes, I miss my dog. But I'm sure that I'll be putting myself through this ordeal again in the years to come.

Frank McAndrew is the Cornelia H Dudley Professor of Psychology at Knox College and an elected fellow of several professional organisations, including the Association for Psychological Science (APS).

 

[harley]

Thanks for the read, very timely for me 

[_PL_]

Thank you Boronia. 

[tdierikx]

I'm positive that the only thing that will hurt my soul more than losing my beloved Woosie will be when my parents pass on... my Dad is now 81, and Mum is 78 - both in good health, but no-one lives forever, right?

 

Then again, losing my heart dog was probably one of the MOST painful experiences I've ever had to deal with... you truly do feel like a part of your own soul has gone... and it hurts forever. (I'm losing my composure just typing this)

 

T.

[_PL_]

They both hurt like hell.  

But it's good to see pet loss as an acknowledged powerful pain. I've been on the receiving end of "get over it we've all lost a dog".

And in the last year had to say goodbye to four. My fault for taking retiree dogs but no less painful.   My ashes shelves are full.

[Kazm]

Interesting read Boronia. Sorry to hear of your loss. We are coming into that time with one of my precious girls. She was given barely a month to live 5 weeks ago but with my love and her determination she is still here. Still here with sparkly eyes and a wagging tail. We know our days are limited. And that's hard to accept. Anyone who knows me knows my girls are an important part of our family. We are absolutely devastated to be losing Zena. We have been down this road several times before with a gorgeous boy and several cats and that last moment is special and I think that only an animal lover would understand. I know some people must think I'm crazy but then they don't have pets. On the other hand both my mini schnauzer girls have produced a couple of litters each and those people who bought puppies from me are amazing. These are true pet owners and have been so supportive during this rough time. More than I could ever have imagined. They understand that losing a pet is similar to losing a human relation or friend. I personally think that yes it can be harder losing a dog just because we spend so much time with them and do everything for them. Plus they give so much unconditional love in return. A friend and I have talked about this just recently. She feels the same way. We are very much alike. She has 2 of my puppies and is so attached to them. Just like I am with mine. 

[dogbesotted]

how very true. 

https://www.sas.upenn.edu/~cavitch/pdf-library/Hearne_OyezABeaumont.pdf

[asal]

I think what the author wrote is particularly special because we all know it but so beautifully explained, so hard to console those who wonder why they buy a puppy knowing the heartbreak that will come because their lives are just too short.

[Tassie]

I know we have ummm "spats" from time to time on DOL, but particularly before FB, and still now, I'm convinced that DOL plays a hugely important social function by providing a safe and sympathetic place for bereaved, or about to be bereaved, dog and cat owners to grieve, and be supported by a community that truly understands what they're feeling.    So thank you Troy and wonderful DOLer community.

[persephone]

what Tassie said ...

<3   <3  

[Scottsmum]

I've avoided this thread, on purpose, but came looking today & shared the link on fb. 

 

Its a great read & couldn't agree more with what @Tassie said. 

 

Thanks for the share.  I wonder if we can have the article pinned somewhere?  (Or the original link https://theconversation.com/why-losing-a-dog-can-be-harder-than-losing-a-relative-or-friend-68207 )

 

@Troy???? Is that possible? 

Edited April 17, 2017 by Scottsmum
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