What I Want Vs What Is Best For The Dogs...

[Henrietta]

I had two dogs - my 13 year old stafford and my 7 year old Chi x, who are best of mates and completely different dogs. Gracie (stafford) is sweet natured, easy-going, confident and loves going for trips in the car, walks, beach runs, going visiting etc. She is slowing down now as in sleeping more and she is night blind and I've noticed she seems to be going deaf. I have to be a little more careful now in the heat, but really she is still enjoying life and never says no to any opportunity.

Abby (Chi x) is clever, active, loud (she is one of those dogs that will still find the energy to bark, no matter how tired), reactive and quite the little bossy boots. She is one of those dogs who is just bursting with personality although she's not the easiest dog outside the house because of her reactivity. Besides that, she is a great little dog who suits me. Her and Gracie get along wonderfully and I'm dead certain that Abby's antics have kept Gracie young. She was an only dog before I got Abby and even though she was happy before she was honestly a new dog when Abby came along. They still play together, they've never stopped.

My nan died last year and I ended up taking her 4 year old whippet boy, Locke with me temporarily to give my parents a break. It wasn't supposed to be a permanent arrangement because we have pretty stringent 2 dog limits here. It took a bit of adjustment, mostly for me as I've only ever had one or two. Abby was probably a bit funny at first about having another dog, but again, she adjusted.

I went away for 6 weeks overseas in Dec/Jan and my parents looked after all three which was a godsend because they all adore my parents.

Prior to me leaving the country, mum and I had a few discussions about what to do with the dogs. Mum said and still maintains that they would be happy to take the little whippet man, BUT they'd prefer to have Abby. They have a soft spot for her and mum likes the idea of having a small, portable dog. I said perhaps we could do a trial run. When I returned from overseas I picked up two dogs and left Abby. To be honest, I am still missing her and the house is so quiet. Locke is a lovely, sweet, gentle boy who has settled wonderfully and loves nothing more than cuddles on the couch. He is a little timid away from home and very soft in his personality. I'm going to get him into some training early this year, more so to get him out there and raise his confidence levels and get his brain a bit more active as well. Gracie hasn't seemed to be too adversely affected except for the fact that her and Locke just don't play together. Abby and Locke will play and Gracie and Abby will play. I'm a little worried that Gracie will just age quicker now that her little PITA friend has gone, even though she is being active in other ways.

Abby is thriving in her new home. My mum is a carer for my other grandma and does a lot of running around and visiting and Abby goes everywhere with her unless it's not possible (shops etc). She sleeps over at my grandma's when my mum stays over. She goes in the car to pick my brother up from work. She sleeps in my parents bed (nothing's changed there). She gets games and outings. She is reportedly loving being the only dog. Which to be honest I'm not surprised at really because she has one of those me, me, me personalities. She is also less reactive apparently and mum took her and the kids to the park and she didn't bark at strangers once.

One one hand, I am very, very happy and relieved!! One the other hand I'm a bit gutted. Simply me being selfish and wanting her back. Plus, a lot of her reactivity seems to have stemmed from me and my nervous personality cos she is pretty chilled when she's with my parents.

Honestly, this sound perfect for her. She is the only dog getting the attention. She gets more outings than I can manage (I work fulltime). I thought she may have been lonely without Gracie but it seems that she perhaps is suited to being the only dog.

Also, the dogs here are doing well, aside from my concern about Gracie and doggie interactions. Locke is a sweet boy and a very easy dog. I'm thinking that this arrangement is the best for all concerned. Of course, I'm just missing my little girl. Life is easier without her but it's certainly not as much fun. She made me pull my hair out in frustration everyday, but she also made me laugh many more times a day.

The other side of course is that my parents are very happy with Abby. I'm not sure I can take her back in all fairness. They've bonded with her and every time I speak to them they are just really happy. They still say that they'd have Locke and they quite like him, BUT I know they would prefer Abby.

Also, I don't really want to uproot Locke again he's had an unsettling time and, although he'd adjust again to living with my parents, I'd rather not when things are going so well now.

So, how do you know what's right? I feel pretty much feel good about my decision except that I'm missing my girl. Have I not taken something into consideration? Have you ever been in a similar position? I'm very lucky that I have a family in a position to help out when life happens...

Edited January 30, 2015 by Henrietta

[persephone]

How do you know?

I think you've answered that yourself - despite it not being what you 'want'

Abby is thriving in her new home.

She is also less reactive apparently

[Henrietta]

Another bonus here is that I don't have to stress about dogs upsetting the neighbours with barking. I've never had a complaint, but I was constantly consulting with the neighbours to ensure there weren't any problems because I know that Abby is a barker. It doesn't matter if she's flat out tired either, she's just one of those dogs that likes to use her voice. Obviously exercise does help and I live by the adage of a tired dog is a happy dog lol. But yes, she will still bark. It was a bit stressful to be honest. I'd always walk home from lunch and just listen out for her to be barking. Thankfully, it was never really a big issue, but it was certainly something that I had to keep a check on and the only reason it hasn't become a big issue is because I've put in a lot of effort, both with Abby and with keeping in touch with the neighbours.

The other two are very, very quiet. Locke has barked possibly 3 times in his life and Gracie will bark at the flying foxes early evening, every night for about 20 seconds and that's it.

Locke is a lovely boy, but he's not the type of dog I'd choose. It's not his breed (I've met a few very outgoing whippets) but his personality is a bit soft to suit me ideally. However, he is very lovely and absolutely no trouble. I think getting into some training may help us a bit with bonding as well.

[Henrietta]

How do you know?

I think you've answered that yourself - despite it not being what you 'want'

Abby is thriving in her new home.

She is also less reactive apparently

Yes, it's wonderful! I put in a lot of effort in her early years (training, behaviourists etc) and never really got on top of that. Because of my nerves in these situations. She has certainly gotten better. When I moved to a completely different region I was lucky to make a number of friends who were really good with her and allowed her to grow in confidence. But I can't say that I've never had lingering issues with her and she seems so happy with mum.

Mum is quiet and calm with her, but no nonsense as well. I can see why Abby would be improving.

[westiemum]

Henrietta this is a really good discussion - but Perse is right - you've answered your question. Reading your OP looks to me like a bit of a grieving process you're working through - and you will come out the other end. Locke is a learning opportunity for you and Abby's new home is ideal for her - particularly in relation to her barking which it sounds like while you were managing it well had the potential to become very problematic for you and her.

When I got Andy, my third westie, who stayed instead of being rehomed after I discovered he had epilepsy, I had real trouble bonding with him. I sensed real distance and couldn't warm to him. To this day I'm still not sure why, I just didn't 'click' with him. Then suddenly after around 12 months, I realised I loved him as much as my older two. In hindsight, it might have been that deep down I didn't want the change to my previous cosy pack - yet now I wouldn't have it any other way. He is the most brilliant dog - still a bit timid with strangers but sooooo much better than when he first arrived fresh from the puppy farm.

So I suppose I'm saying give it time - hopefully one day you'll suddenly discover that all the pieces have slotted together really well, as its supposed to be, as it did here. . And hopefully you'll eventually discover that what you want and what is best for your dogs are all one and the same thing.

Edited January 30, 2015 by westiemum

[Mavis]

I just want to say that it sounds like you are being incredibly mature. What a hard decision to make.

[Rascalmyshadow]

Such a hard decision but sounds like your giving all the dogs the best life possible, it's hard to let go but give it time.

I had a similar situation years ago, I took in a little foster girl she only weighed about 800g was probably around 5 weeks old, I fell in love straight away and planned on her staying permanently, problem was she was a real live wire and so was my very young daughter,not a good combination.

Eventually we decided she needed a more suitable home so my dad and his wife adopted her, my dads wife has never had kids so miss Molly took that place, she is so well cared for and is never left alone, she doesn't have to share her house with any other animals and she goes on so many adventures. Although I did grieve I know I did the right thing by her and everyone else in my house.

[Christina]

Tough on you but Abby is happy where she is.

I had similar years ago when my daughter moved out of home. Her dog was 13 & one of mine was 10 & they had been close friends, her dog preferring this particular dog & not being sociable with any of the other 4. Thought it was cruel on the old boy to seperate them so I let her take my girl to keep him company. She was much better, cleaner in the house, more obedient for my daughter & lost a little weight as needed. They both lived another 3 years & died within weeks of each other. It was hard to part with her after 10 years even to my daughter but the dogs had to be put first & its not like Abby is going with a stranger. You will see her often & know she is happy & well loved.

[Henrietta]

Apologies for not responding sooner, it has been a busy week. Thank you all for kind of confirming that it isn't a horrible situation, in fact it's a positive one. I'm feeling quite a lot better about it this week and I just keep up to date with mum about how they are going.

The lovely thing is that both my parents and Abby are really enjoying the new arrangement. I'm really very pleased. I am certain that this will be a permanent arrangement for the better. And I can always visit (wish they were a bit closer lol).

Thank you for your own stories about making decision for individual dogs which at the time must have been hard. You must have taken heart from hearing and seeing how well they were doing in their new homes. Westiemum, you are right - what I want and what is best are essentially the same, I just didn't quite feel that way last week. Of course, that's how it should be! I'm glad you and Andy are enjoying your relationship nowadays. I'm a pretty firm believer that sometimes, with some dogs, it just takes some time. I know I struggled a bit with Abby during her adolescent years. I loved her, but my goodness she felt like hard work sometimes! So a different situation, but along the same lines. Gracie was a dog that I immediately bonded with. Abby took a bit of time to form the bond we have now (warts and all). I will hazard a guess that it may take a bit of time with Locke, for different reasons again, but I have plenty of room in my heart and time. I know these things don't have to be rushed.

I made a mistake with Locke yesterday in that I grabbed him by the collar (not in anger, but I wanted to direct him out the door and this is what I have done with Gracie for years on occasion, only gently, and she hardly bats an eyelid).

But Locke is different and I was kicking myself for giving him a fright. I immediately took my hands off and let him remove himself from the situation, but thankfully he came back to me in about 20 seconds looking for cuddles. My mistake completely. Just some minor adjustments for me, remembering that he is not the same as my other dogs. And keep it light and fun.

It's funny when you are so used to the dogs you have... I know exactly what their limits are, what they like, what they enjoy above all else, what you can get away with leaving lying around etc, etc. I don't even have to think. Now I have to jump back a step or two and learn about Locke and discover what makes him tick. So it should be some fun times ahead.

I asked my mum if she and Abby wanted to Skype me and they are up for it! :laugh:

Edited February 7, 2015 by Henrietta