Rebanne Posted January 16, 2013 Share Posted January 16, 2013 Why do people have to be really arrogant and nasty when all people like me need is a bit of a sounding board, as I'm yet to have the official discussion with my OH. As I said its an extremely painful and heartbreaking thing for me and I can't stop crying over it, and am devastated to be hurting my OH in this way well so be it, but to me you were just gathering ammunition to use against your partner. It's why my only advice was to talk to him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rebanne Posted January 16, 2013 Share Posted January 16, 2013 I should add my deal to him is I wont make any claims on the house or shared possessions/ furniture if I can have the dogs. I wouldn't be making any deal with him about house or furniture. The dogs are a separate thing. Who is moving out? If it is you, just take the dogs with you. Then when you settle for an amount of money, the monetary value of the dogs and what has been contributed to their upkeep can be taken into account. what a horrible thing to say, the dogs were bought by both parties and are loved by both parties. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trifecta Posted January 16, 2013 Share Posted January 16, 2013 A couple who were friends of mine had a pair of Bulldogs. Unfortunately they split up but agreed the dogs should spend time with each of them. Just as in the case of children, they have access days, weekend & holiday time with the dogs. It works out well for the dogs as they never have to go to kennels & the schedule is worked out around work commitments. The former couple also share major expenses such as veterinary costs. Of course this was an amicable split, but the arrangement has worked well for some years now. Obviously this does not work for everyone, some people are quite jealous about ownership, others may go off & form new relationships with partners who already have pets, other individuals may not wish to have any contact with their former partner at all...... the reasons are endless why such an arrangement will not work, but just wanted to cite a case where an arrangement has benefited both owners & dogs. Lastly I agree strongly with other posters that this matter should be nutted out between you, & for clarification, the outcome of your negotiations put in writing for the benefit of all concerned. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cowanbree Posted January 16, 2013 Share Posted January 16, 2013 As long as you feel he would look after the dog I would certainly consider him having one. Dogs adjust to whatever their situation is and they seldom are as bonded as people think they are. Do they enjoy their fellow dogs company, yes but chances are after an adjustment period they would be just as happy if he got another dog for company or may even prefer to be an only dog. Dogs live in the moment for the most part. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katdogs Posted January 16, 2013 Share Posted January 16, 2013 As long as you feel he would look after the dog I would certainly consider him having one. Dogs adjust to whatever their situation is and they seldom are as bonded as people think they are. Do they enjoy their fellow dogs company, yes but chances are after an adjustment period they would be just as happy if he got another dog for company or may even prefer to be an only dog. Dogs live in the moment for the most part. I agree with this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Flaves Posted January 16, 2013 Share Posted January 16, 2013 When my ex and i split there was no discyssion who would have them. I bought them I paid for them Their vet care and food and i was the one who looked after them. Including His dog. However my ex didnt want any of the pets. Why does your ex want the dog? Because he genuinely does or because he is being spiteful? If he really does maybre he should het one. If beingg spiteful fight for them Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nic oh lah Posted January 16, 2013 Share Posted January 16, 2013 I'm just gonna jump right in because I relate to this.... in my situation it came down to a discussion... at the end of the day my ex-husband and I sat down like grownups and thought first and foremost about the welfare of the animals. And we agreed on pretty much every front - the dogs shouldn't be seperated as they're companions, and that as I was living in the house we owned and taking over the mortgage while he moved into a rental, he agreed that I should keep the dogs with me, and he'd come visit them now and then, like, maybe weekly. Thing is... he never visited. At the end of the day he decided that I had the time and commitment to take better care of their needs and it was less painful for him to not see them, than to "visit" like there was shared custody. It sucks, but i'm grateful to him for making that decision. Break ups are yuck, but how you behave during them determines how much more painful it's going to be. Talk to your ex, agree not to name-call, point fingers or blame, and just be mindful that you've made the decision to split, now remember why you liked each other in the first place long enough to be friendly and work out the nuts and bolts of who gets what. I also agree though, that trading off pets for furniture/monetary isn't a fair comparison and is a whole different matter. Talk about the pets. Make a decision. Then tackle the other stuff one by one, and try to be as civil as you can, because fighting doesn't make anyone happier. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
juice Posted January 16, 2013 Share Posted January 16, 2013 There are lots to consider. Does he really want one? If he does, then why not try it, he may find it all too hard and ask you to take it. Are the dogs really bonded? If not seperate them, dogs adjust fine. Is one more attached to him? They may well be happier seperated, its worth a try. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trinabean Posted January 16, 2013 Share Posted January 16, 2013 I'm just gonna jump right in because I relate to this.... in my situation it came down to a discussion... at the end of the day my ex-husband and I sat down like grownups and thought first and foremost about the welfare of the animals. And we agreed on pretty much every front - the dogs shouldn't be seperated as they're companions, and that as I was living in the house we owned and taking over the mortgage while he moved into a rental, he agreed that I should keep the dogs with me, and he'd come visit them now and then, like, maybe weekly. Thing is... he never visited. At the end of the day he decided that I had the time and commitment to take better care of their needs and it was less painful for him to not see them, than to "visit" like there was shared custody. It sucks, but i'm grateful to him for making that decision. Break ups are yuck, but how you behave during them determines how much more painful it's going to be. Talk to your ex, agree not to name-call, point fingers or blame, and just be mindful that you've made the decision to split, now remember why you liked each other in the first place long enough to be friendly and work out the nuts and bolts of who gets what. I also agree though, that trading off pets for furniture/monetary isn't a fair comparison and is a whole different matter. Talk about the pets. Make a decision. Then tackle the other stuff one by one, and try to be as civil as you can, because fighting doesn't make anyone happier. Very good post and advice Nic oh lah. :) And to the OP I'm sorry that you are going through this difficult time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
G.S.P.S/K Posted January 16, 2013 Author Share Posted January 16, 2013 Flaves, he's not my EX yet, and he's not the spiteful type, he wants one because he loves them. I'm not sure what he's response will be when I tell him I'm leaving and want both dogs, I'm just going on past discussions that he'll want one. For all I know He may well agree to me having both (although he'll be very upset about it). To others who have talked about separating the 2 dogs that's not an issue, they've mostly been separated anyway due to one of them having repeat knee surgeries- the issue is I don't want to lose either of them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trifecta Posted January 16, 2013 Share Posted January 16, 2013 I'm just gonna jump right in because I relate to this.... in my situation it came down to a discussion... at the end of the day my ex-husband and I sat down like grownups and thought first and foremost about the welfare of the animals. Break ups are yuck, but how you behave during them determines how much more painful it's going to be. Talk to your ex, agree not to name-call, point fingers or blame, and just be mindful that you've made the decision to split, now remember why you liked each other in the first place long enough to be friendly and work out the nuts and bolts of who gets what. I also agree though, that trading off pets for furniture/monetary isn't a fair comparison and is a whole different matter. Talk about the pets. Make a decision. Then tackle the other stuff one by one, and try to be as civil as you can, because fighting doesn't make anyone happier. You've made some great points here, Nic oh lah! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
G.S.P.S/K Posted January 16, 2013 Author Share Posted January 16, 2013 And thanks Nic oh lah for your understanding and the others who have been kind, because some earlier replies made me regret ever starting the topic. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nic oh lah Posted January 16, 2013 Share Posted January 16, 2013 And thanks Nic oh lah for your understanding and the others who have been kind, because some earlier replies made me regret ever starting the topic. Eh - you have to take the good with the bad. I've been abused black and blue on these forums before over a failed fostering debacle, but at the end of the day i've also met some amazing people ..... Seperations are crap... I was lucky because my ex is a nice-guy and really we just looked at what was better for the dogs, but it wasn't easy. Best of luck - and at least you know on here there are people to talk to <3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
moosmum Posted January 16, 2013 Share Posted January 16, 2013 You've said what You want,and can easily justify your rights to get it. But your asking so I think you suspect you should allow him one. His needs should get consideration too.You could make it a condition that you call after 6 months 2 X for an honest appraisal on his part of how well hes managing to meet the dogs needs.If its not working by HIS judgement you take the dog back. Being his 1st,he may have more invested in them emotionaly than you do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
juice Posted January 16, 2013 Share Posted January 16, 2013 I think if they are used to being seperated and he wants one, its a bit unfair for you to take both because as you say ,you want them both. Is he as attached to them as you? If so how would you feel to lose both? Its not going to be easy either way, talk to him, if he still wants one, try it, it may all be fine. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rebelsquest Posted January 16, 2013 Share Posted January 16, 2013 I think if they are used to being seperated and he wants one, its a bit unfair for you to take both because as you say ,you want them both. Is he as attached to them as you? If so how would you feel to lose both? Its not going to be easy either way, talk to him, if he still wants one, try it, it may all be fine. Agree with juice, sorry but I think it is unfair for you to take them both just because you don't want to lose one. Your partner may feel exactly the same way. As per everyone else, you really need to sit down and have the discussion with your partner. Discussion around what is best for the dogs, not necessarily what each of you want. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jumabaar Posted January 16, 2013 Share Posted January 16, 2013 It might sound mean but the way you are talking it sounds as if you know that the right thing to do is to have one dog each, but your trying to justify taking both. Which I understand- the human animal bond can be exceptionally strong! The fact that your worried about it does indicate that you think that he does have a bond with the dogs as well which does make the situation tough. As others have said put yourself in his shoes and imagine how hard it would be if he said he wanted both dogs. I think the best course of action is to sit down and actually ask what he thinks. You might be investing all this energy into worrying when he might tell you that you can have both dogs! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Animal House Posted January 16, 2013 Share Posted January 16, 2013 1358298058[/url]' post='6089446']Thanks for the replies guys. Sandra777 I wouldn't be going back on my word as I never agreed to us keeping 1 each, that was just what he said he would want. Also by my argument that he hasn't had dogs/pets before what I meant is I'm better equipped to look after them and I was the driving force behind getting them. He wouldn't have got a dog if I wasn't in his life. He may well now after experiencing them however. I should add my deal to him is I wont make any claims on the house or shared possessions/ furniture if I can have the dogs. So you haven't told him your leaving him and taking the dogs yet? I'd sit him down and tell him you are breaking up, and let that sink in first, poor guy probably has no idea that his whole life is a out to be turned upside down. Honestly, if he does want one of the dogs, let him have one....agree to discuss it again a few months down the track to see how he/the dog is coping. As for the house/furniture stuff, it has to be sorted out separately. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
megan_ Posted January 16, 2013 Share Posted January 16, 2013 I'd do what is best for the dogs. Some dogs would be fine being an only dog and other dogs wouldn't. Sometimes dogs are 'friends' but one stays in their shell while the more dominant dog takes the lead. They shier dog can do really well when they have the chance to blossom on their own. How would they cope if split up? The first decision would be whether they will do better together or not, and the second will be, if they stay together, who is best suited to look after them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fuzzy82 Posted January 16, 2013 Share Posted January 16, 2013 If your partner cares about the dogs as much as you do, pays for half of the expenses and walks them and spends time with them, then I don't see how it's fair for you to take both. If you discuss it like adults and agree that you should take both, then fine. But to ask if it's fair is like asking if you're really entitled to take both, and whether you taking both is the obvious and logical thing. Which it isn't. I would think it's fair that you take one dog each, unless your partner works so much that he shouldn't have a dog at all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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