MsDani Posted September 4, 2012 Share Posted September 4, 2012 **I don't know if this is the right place, but I need somewhere to write to him** Hey My Little Man Tonight will be the 4th night I spend without you. Sleep is coming, but it is not peaceful and I find myself thinking and grieving for you in the early hours of the morning - I am tired, my soul is tired! I had an ‘ok’ day today. I cried, of course, but it didn’t feel like it was going to consume me. But then I got the call to ask what sort of urn we wanted for you. The grief hit me again then, it felt like someone had hit me in the stomach. Daddy and I looked at the urns, but the ones they had available weren’t ‘you’! But when we searched we found the perfect one. I got Daddy to help, I know he didn’t know you for as long as I did, but you were his dog as well! So we are going to get a basic one, for now, just so we can have you home with us and then lay you to rest in ‘your’ one when it arrives – it has a simple and unassuming beauty to it – perfect for you! It upset me today when they told me they only picked you up yesterday. It meant you were at the place that you didn’t like for longer. It broke my heart! But you will be home soon and I think I will find a lot of comfort in knowing that you are near us and at home - where you always felt safe and warm! Little Miss is wandering, looking, searching for you. Tonight she went bounding into the house to look for you. She also went bounding outside when Daddy came home and for a split second I saw the disappointment in her eyes when she didn’t see you get out of the car as well. I am still trying to come to terms with the last 4 weeks and our final goodbye – I am trying to replace those memories with the memories of you - not the sickness! Until I write again. I love you to the moon, stars and back! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BCPuppy Posted September 5, 2012 Share Posted September 5, 2012 So hard..... RIP your little man, loved so much, never forgotten. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
coogie Posted September 6, 2012 Share Posted September 6, 2012 Hope this helps a little bit MsDani, hope you are doing ok. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MsDani Posted September 6, 2012 Author Share Posted September 6, 2012 (edited) Hey My Little Man I'm managing to get a more peaceful sleep, but the mornings are still hard. I managed to smile about you yesterday. I was talking about the fridge - how Daddy or myself or Little Miss could walk past it and it wouldn't move, but as soon as you did, it would wobble. How can that be? You only weighed 9kg's. But you never walked, you trotted like a horse. You carried yourself in a certain way, Mum always said you'd have made a perfect show dog. But she also used to ask you 'When are you going to grow into your ears?' - you didn't have the ears of a JR - they stuck straight up. I used to love twirling your ears gently with my fingers, and I know you loved it as well - I would always laugh when your eyes rolled backwards from sheer delight. I was thinking about the past couple of days and the guilt I have been feeling over making the decision. Here on DOL I wrote 'Is it wrong if I'm not coping?'. I know I wasn't coping - I was struggling because I admitted I couldn't save you, no matter what I did, I couldn't make it better for you. Admitting that hurt like hell. For 13 years, if you were scared or sick you'd come to me. I'd give you comfort, I'd make you feel better - But I couldn't this time. I tried for 4 weeks, but the medication wasn't working and then finding out you had cancer - oh dear god! If I hadn't of made the decision that morning, no one knows how long you would have lasted - but one thing I do know now, is that you would have gotten worse as each day went past. You were barely eating - you lost 30% of your weight in such a short space of time. As much as I wanted you here, I couldn't do that to you - I had to fight through my feelings and do what was right for you. One day I will feel peace with the decision. But I hope Mum and her dog Charlie were there to welcome you - I couldn't think of a better person, you loved her and she loved you. Always thinking of you - love you to the moon, stars and back! Edited September 6, 2012 by MsDani Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
teekay Posted September 6, 2012 Share Posted September 6, 2012 Lovely to read about your 'little man' Ms Dani. Hope it is helping you heal. Lots and lots of Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MsDani Posted September 6, 2012 Author Share Posted September 6, 2012 Thank you teekay, coogie and BCPuppy. It does help, I think with time this will also help me to remember 'him' and not the 'sickness' - atm those memories are overpowering the others. I will put up a photo of him, but I still can't seem to look at them just yet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
persephone Posted September 6, 2012 Share Posted September 6, 2012 A lovely way of acknowledging what this time has been like for you :) It's nice for us to see what this little man was like - a character, it seems ! :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BC Crazy Posted September 7, 2012 Share Posted September 7, 2012 (edited) Oh MsDani, it is just so very hard. I understand, it feels like your heart is spilt in two & it just aches. I'm ever so sorry Lovely to read about you boy. Sounds like he was full of personality. Writing is good & I hope it is easing the hurt. Edited September 7, 2012 by BC Crazy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MsDani Posted September 8, 2012 Author Share Posted September 8, 2012 A week ago today I held you for the last time... My most cherished photo of you, taken at the beginning of this year. This is how I will remember you. I tried so hard to get you to look at me this way in the last 4 weeks of your life, but you never did! Moon, stars and back! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
persephone Posted September 8, 2012 Share Posted September 8, 2012 What a sweet face :) That's a lovely memory to have. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BC Crazy Posted September 8, 2012 Share Posted September 8, 2012 Oh yes, very sweet face persephone you are right. MsDani lovely photo of your favourite boy. Something to cherish there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
misha&milo Posted September 9, 2012 Share Posted September 9, 2012 Take care of yourself ..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MsDani Posted September 19, 2012 Author Share Posted September 19, 2012 Hey Little Man Reality has set in! Just now I was walking around the backyard to look for the ball for Little Miss and it was 'I'm never going to be able to say 'Where's your ball?' to you again! I'm never going to see you again!' Tears are falling... Moon, Stars and Back! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
k9angel Posted September 20, 2012 Share Posted September 20, 2012 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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