Advice From People Who've Had New Babies And Dogs - Tension At Hom

[Saffioraire]

Ah guilt... it's not a good thing!

There are some good points above;

A cleaner,

paying someone to walk your dogs 3 times a week so you have more time for her (and the bub),

Some "her" time, BUT don't push her out of the house or she might hate you! but 30 mins for a coffee, or going to do the shopping alone might be enough...?

What about allocating an RDO once every few weeks to help her along?

It'll calm down over time, maybe you could go and see a doctor on your own if you are concerned about her - then your not putting any pressure on her and finding out what is the best for you to do. There is nothing worse than that feeling of giving everyone else your all, and no one is giving back, even if thats not the case.

[Guest RosieFT]

Going against the majority here but I feel so sorry for your dogs. I can understand if they are long coated & the grooming doesn't get done quite as often or they don't get a walk as much as losing sleep with a baby can make you get behind a little temporarily but overall one baby & 2 dogs is not a lot a lot to cope with after the first few weeks as long as no one is sick.

There is nothing you can do really except give them the extra attention when you have time & hope that things will improve & that they do not suffer too much.

Basically if you want to live :laugh: say nothing & do not have another baby soon.

Some people just cope & others don't do so well. New mums are variable. No way of knowing until it happens.

Just have to add that some mothers do have it easier than others with babies that sleep alot and settle easily, whilst others have bad sleepers, dietry problems, colic etc.

Just because your own personal experience was that one baby and two dogs is not a lot to cope with, some babies are much more difficult than others.

[Dame Aussie]

I'll probably get shot down but I agree with Christina.

I totally understand how a baby would take everything out of a new Mum, and Dad, but I honestly cannot imagine myself seeing my dogs as just another thing to deal with. I could see myself getting frustrated with them sure, hell I do now with no baby :laugh:, but I would never just lose interest in them and their needs.

Who knows, I could feel totally different if I was a new Mum, but I don't think so, and I hope not. It's not the dogs fault your circumstances have changed and I feel a bit sorry for them.

Booge I also feel sorry for you as this is obviously making you feel really guilty.

As for advice, there's been some great suggestions so far, I would just hope that after a while she gets her interest in the dogs back, in the meantime ads long as you do as much as possible with them they should be ok. Luckily dogs are pretty flexible creatures :)

[claireybell]

My son is 10 months old now and I find I'm able to share the love much easier these days. But from birth to about 7 months of age my dogs rarely got any affection from me. Like your wife I saw them as just one more "thing" needing my attention and I just didn't have the time, patience or energy to deal with them. I spent a fair amount of time telling them that if they barked and woke the baby they'd get it (ive never actually smacked or hit my dogs though). I was a horrible horrible dog owner. Luckily for me my husband also picked up the slack but like you he's out of the house for up to 12 hours a day.

My son is in a routine now where he's in bed at certain times of day and those times don't change. I'm much more organized and I'm actually getting sleep. This means I don't feel like I'm drowning every day and it means my dogs are getting the affection from me that they deserve. On weekends when my husband is home he looks after the baby for an hour in the mornings and I take the dogs for a walk. It's a benefit for me as I get time away from the house without the baby and a benefit for the dogs who get some one on one time with me.

I'm not suggesting that you don't help out already with your baby or the house work but maybe if your up for it give your wife a hand as much as possible. She might find she's got more time on her hands then and she may choose to spend some of that time with the dogs.

Best of luck and congratulations on your first child

[zeebie]

The human brain is amazingly wired, as such we are programed to care for and focus on our own offspring (human pack structure)none more so then the new mum, is similar to a bitch just whelped pups she becomes so protective toward her new litter sometimes to the exclusion of favoured humans and even her own health often not eating etc.

Priorities shift with a new baby in the fold and often for first time mums who are anxious about this little fragile infant entrusted to them, all else gets sidelined, often without realising, things like extra chores or the regular phone chats/coffee dates etc, these all get put on hold because bub takes 100% of time, energy and emotional input. Every new mum will identify with the feeling of 'oh my god am I doing this all right?'

So this is no doubt why the dogs are taking a back seat it is just all a bit unmanageable at the moment, and you as the partner are stepping up which is great and exactly what is needed, do not push the issue and just give it time, as bub gets older and a routine is established everything will slowly (and I emphasise SLOWLY fall back into place.

My guess is right now your partner is grappling with dealing with all the changes in her life and physical state that this 'yelling' at dogs is just a release (the medical term is transferance), and while it is not the best thing to be happening dogs are very preceptive of human emotions and they will survive and as long as you keep interacting with them and get someone to walk/groom them if need it is way better then just locking them in a far corner of the yard or totally ignoring their needs.

this is an excellent blog site which may give you a lot of help

http://www.dogsandbabieslearning.com/

Edited August 1, 2012 by zeebie

[PuddleDuck]

Agree with what claireybell wrote, I was the same and it does get better with time. Like Aussie, I swore blind I would never be like that when my baby was born, the whole hospital stay I was organizing who was doing what for the dogs, and when we got home I was so excited at the thought of seeing them and they ran in and I went 'oh. You're just dogs'. I can see in hindsight they were a child substitute and I think my seeing them as dogs has been better for all of us in time, our family dynamic works better now.

My daughter had reflux, wouldn't sleep during the day unless held upright, couldn't go in the car without screaming, and really didn't handle being set down. I had a god awful delivery on the back of a really bad pregnancy and it took a long time to recover. She is 11 months and I still get pain from my cesear. I had days where I would yell at the dogs for waking her and ring hubby to complain and he would say 'I left some rawhide bones in the cupboard, pop them in the yard with those and shut the door for a few hours' which was a godsend. Have a stash of (what we call) 'shutups' somewhere for if your wife gets overwhelmed

Another thing is after having my daughter I developed an underactive thyroid which makes you very tired and depressed. We can tell if my thyroid is out of whack because I get short tempered with the dogs. Hubby notices it straight away and tells me to call my specialist who laughs and says 'well if you are grumpy at the dogs we probably need to adjust your meds'. And within a day or 2 I am back to my usual self. I'm not saying this is the case with your wife, just another experience to consider

Congrats on bubs!!!

[suziwong66]

when OH and i first got married our first child was our furbaby Keiran, a German Shepherd. He was a family dog, but mostly my dog - in that i raised him, trained him etc. After our first daughter was born, i was exhausted all of the time and poor old Keiran, 3 years old by that time, wasn't getting as much attention from me.

As soon as i was a bit more back on board, which took a couple of months of readjustment, we started to take Keiran for walks with us with the baby in a pouch...for me, it helped that Keiran still came into the house just as he did pre-baby (of course he was never left alone with the baby).

Perhaps your wife needs support in being able to readjust to your new life with a baby and furkids - if your vehicle is big enough, perhaps take the whole family for an outing that includes the furkid(s) and do other things that include the dogs.

Rather than raise the topic of the dogs not getting enough attention from your already tired and readjusting wife/partner, you could try introducing some pet friendly family activities where you support your wife in bringing the dogs back into your daily activities. Perhaps with the intention of training the dogs to be around the new baby (much better way to have the discussion), you could encourage your wife to join you in integrating the dogs back into your daily lives.

Good luck

[j]

My dog was about 18 months old when I had my first child and saw the arrival of my other two kids over the following 9 years. He was a border collie, very active and long coated. It was hard work. Trying to fit everything in frequently saw me getting distressed about it all. But, we all coped. Eventually

In contrast to what others have suggested, maybe you could take the baby and dog out for a walk and leave your wife at home, with orders that she go to bed, have a bath, or just sit down with a book or something else that she enjoys. Tell her she is not to do anything around the house while you are out, it is absolutely relaxing time for her.

Take over some of the other chores for her. Load the dishwasher and set it running last thing at night (or do the washing up and leave it to drain). Put away in the morning while you're getting your breakfast. Breaking it up makes it less daunting and time consuming. Put a load of nappies on each night before bed too (or other washing if you're doing disposables). You might not have time to hang it out before you go to bed, but it just makes one less thing that your wife has to do.

Offer to bath the baby when you get home and take over bedtime routines. Tread carefully with this though, this might be one of the "fun" things that your wife enjoys doing, rather than the "hard" work of feeding and changing the baby all day, while you are at work.

Don't forget that your wife is still a woman, not just a mother. Tell her she looks beautiful (even when she is still in her dressing gown at 5pm and hasn't brushed her hair). Give her a kiss and a hug, without any expectation that it will progress to anything more.

Above all, enjoy your family. "This too shall pass"

[Guest Willow]

sometimes they were just another "thing" that demanded attention.

I too have found that the dog has been another 'thing' and at times have found him to be beyond bare-able.

Agree with both of the above

but overall one baby & 2 dogs is not a lot a lot to cope with after the first few weeks as long as no one is sick.

It very much depends on the temperament of the baby, the dogs, and the mothers frame of mind.

I totally understand how a baby would take everything out of a new Mum, and Dad, but I honestly cannot imagine myself seeing my dogs as just another thing to deal with.

I felt like that too......then I had babies....

Not so bad after my first daughter was born....I had family help for the first three months, and an easy baby....12 hours sleep a night from her second month! It was easy enough to pop her in a sling and go for walks along the beach. Life went on much as before.

Then my son arrived 18 months later (he is now 9 months old). He was premature, and sick in hospital, We had no help for a few weeks until MIL made a mercy dash over for a couple of weeks, and I felt dreadfully overwhelmed. At the time I had three cats, two dogs and two rabbits, and felt horribly overwhelmed. I sobbed to a friend one night that i wanted to rehome all of them, i just couldn;t bear dealing with them anymore. I put the dogs in boarding for a week just to have a break from them.

It became too hard to walk them....My toddler couldn't keep up, nor would she sit quietly in a pram, my baby cried a lot, and it was mid summer, and 40+ degrees in perth, so at the times my kids were awake, it was too damn hot to take them outside anyway. One of my dogs who had mild issues with my daughter suddenly became much more aggressive and unpredictable and ended up being PTS.

On top of this i was surviving on 2-3 hours of broken sleep a night. Every night. My OH is FIFO so away half the time. Hard to feel bothered about walking dogs when you can hardly drag yourself up to take care of two children.

Oh, and on top of this we were (and still are) living in a 6m by 12m shed because we don't have a house yet!!!!

All the animals suddenly became unbearable burdens that I could just about manage to feed, but that was it.

I still struggle to some extent...I love my animals, but they are not the focal point of my life like they once were....my children are. As my son gets older, it's becoming easier to be a better dog owner again, but things will never be as they were pre-children....there just aren't enough hours in the day!!! The cats and dog are utterly angelic with both kids, and for this i will forever be grateful for.

ETA: I find myself much less tolerant of certain behaviours too now....things that i had more patience for previously, now irritate the crap out of me a lot more quickly!!!!

Edited August 1, 2012 by Willow

[Cosmolo]

While i don't have children, i have dealt with many expectant parents and among those were many who said prior to the birth of their children that the dogs routine wouldn't change etc, but once the children were born things changed. Some dealt with terrible guilt as a result which made things worse. You can't possibly anticipate the effect of hormones, lack of sleep, stress etc and it's something that i always consider when dealing with expectant and new parents. Hope for the best but prepare for the worst- the use of dog walkers, dog daycare if appropriate can be very helpful.

[Sunnyflower]

My dog was about 18 months old when I had my first child and saw the arrival of my other two kids over the following 9 years. He was a border collie, very active and long coated. It was hard work. Trying to fit everything in frequently saw me getting distressed about it all. But, we all coped. Eventually

In contrast to what others have suggested, maybe you could take the baby and dog out for a walk and leave your wife at home, with orders that she go to bed, have a bath, or just sit down with a book or something else that she enjoys. Tell her she is not to do anything around the house while you are out, it is absolutely relaxing time for her.

Take over some of the other chores for her. Load the dishwasher and set it running last thing at night (or do the washing up and leave it to drain). Put away in the morning while you're getting your breakfast. Breaking it up makes it less daunting and time consuming. Put a load of nappies on each night before bed too (or other washing if you're doing disposables). You might not have time to hang it out before you go to bed, but it just makes one less thing that your wife has to do.

Offer to bath the baby when you get home and take over bedtime routines. Tread carefully with this though, this might be one of the "fun" things that your wife enjoys doing, rather than the "hard" work of feeding and changing the baby all day, while you are at work.

Don't forget that your wife is still a woman, not just a mother. Tell her she looks beautiful (even when she is still in her dressing gown at 5pm and hasn't brushed her hair). Give her a kiss and a hug, without any expectation that it will progress to anything more.

Above all, enjoy your family. "This too shall pass"

This is 100% fantastic advice! 'Even if you can't do the whole job pitch in & do half'. The true appreciation is something men will never understand & I remember on the rare occasion my fiance did this it brought me so much relief & I was able to get my hackles down that were almost always raised.

I have been blessed with the most easy going baby that only cried 3 times (literally) before 7 months, slept through from 9 weeks & still to this day is like total clock work just really vocal. But I still found it hard & taxing as my fiance drained me as much as the baby did. He wouldn't respect the rules I had put into place for the dog which is his but I did all the training & this breed is a breed that will walk all over you if they can & that's what he did.

Nothing & no one can prepare you for being a Mum unless you're already one & we never get time to ourselves & never truly get to rest our minds even when bub is asleep because you either feel obligated to do something around the house even when your eyes are hanging out of your head or when you do actually sit down with a cup of tea you know your time is limited bub wakes.

Life is set now but I still find I have days where I hear myself saying "ARGHH Just get out of my sight" & I'm talking to the dog & cat! They're just thinking 'Yeah right crazy lady" & I realise now that I can rationalize things again that I can get the last laugh by locking the dog outside & the cat in his room.