mumsy Posted March 5, 2012 Share Posted March 5, 2012 I was recently at a friends house. We have both recently adopted a second dog. My girlfriend started quizzing me about how well we had bonded with our newest dog. To make a long story short, she is having second thoughts. They are lovely people and have provided equally for both of their dogs. No one in the family has made a connection with the newest dog, which they have had for about 8 months. She is a lovely dog but they aren't feeling much connection emotionally with her, if that makes sense. They are wondering if A - It would be fair on either dog to rehome the newest dog. or B - If there is something else they can do to feel differently or C - If it is fair to the newest dog to find him a home where he will be loved a bit more. I have been thinking alot about what she said to me and I just didn't really have any great advice. Any thoughts? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
megan_ Posted March 5, 2012 Share Posted March 5, 2012 How much time is spent 1:1 with the newest dog? How much time is spent training and doing things together? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mumsy Posted March 5, 2012 Author Share Posted March 5, 2012 I suppose not alot of 1 : 1 time. They do some basic training but I think they mostly work with both together. She was quite upset when she mentioned this to me but she is worried that since the dog is only around 2 years old, there is alot of years left with her. I suppose at least she is worried about doing the right thing for both of the dogs involved. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rainy Posted March 5, 2012 Share Posted March 5, 2012 Thats a really hard decision, id encorage them to try and do some more one on one time with the new dog and see if that help's. A friend of mine has re homed a dog after 9 mths because they didnt bond, im happy to say it worked out for both of them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mr.mister Posted March 5, 2012 Share Posted March 5, 2012 Sometimes it can take a lot longer for people to bond with a particular animal. With my first cat, we bonded immediately; he's my heart kitty. :) I then introduced a second cat into the household and it's only now that I feel fully bonded with her - I've had her almost a year. Some more one on one time would probably really benefit them. :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mumsy Posted March 5, 2012 Author Share Posted March 5, 2012 I was worried about how the separation would affect either or both of the dogs? They have obviously been great company for each other. How would that affect them if they are possibly separated? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pretty Miss Emma Posted March 5, 2012 Share Posted March 5, 2012 Maybe they need to try and do some bonding type activities together? Things that were recommended to me involved lots of hand feeding and lots of on on one work. For me it was a totally different circumstance (I had other stresses with my old dog and the pup sort of just had to deal with life) but once I started doing some of those things I started to see that we did have a bond and then it just became a better one. I also found that when I started walking the two dogs separately that helped us a lot also (on several levels but the bonding one particularly) - even though it might be a bit more time it isn't that much more I found they didn't need as long a walk when they walked separately as we were able to do more things within the walk. Maybe they could also try doing trick training with the new dog? If it enjoys that sort of thing. Or agility or obedience. Something where they get to have one on one time. I don't think a bond is just automatically there in a lot of dogs, I think that you need to give them something that is special for you and them (mainly when there is more than 1 dog). I have absolutely no basis for saying this other than what I have seen in my own household and a few friends. While I would give anything to have my Emma back, the bond between Kenzie and myself became stronger than ever when I lost her. And going through all that certainly gave me some ideas about how to introduce a new dog/pup when I get one to ensure that it has a good chance to bond with me. I think something else to think about, is it actually bothering the dog? Is the dog happy where it is? Are it's needs being met? This might be a problem that the owners see but it's not actually impacting on the dog. When it comes down to it they really just have to do what they feel is best and if they feel they can't meet the needs of the dog then maybe rehoming it is the right option. I guess the other thing that comes to mind, what was the reason they got the second dog? I don't think I answered anything here but maybe just posed more questions!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jed Posted March 5, 2012 Share Posted March 5, 2012 Tell her she is the human, the dog is the dog. The human made the choice to take the dog, not the other way around. The human is the one who makes the calls, not the dog. It is up to the human to make an effort to bond with the dog. The human must show affection and like for the dog, and allow the dog to return that. This is done by speaking to the dog, stroking the dog, playing with the dog, grooming the dog, training the dog - even if it is just teaching the dog to shake hands whilst watching TV. I presume the dog is inside? So the dog should be in the area with the human as much as possible. The human is responsible for bonding. The dog may have a few issues about being rehomed/dumped the first time, and may be missing its first family If they throw this dog away, it will have even more problems in the future than it has now ... if it actually does have problems now. A dog is for life, not just for christmas or until the someone gets sick of it. It hasn't bonded because they haven't tried hard enough.If they didn't like the dog, they should have left it wherever they got it from, so someone who would like it could take it. If they did like it, now they have to make the effort to bond. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kajtek Posted March 5, 2012 Share Posted March 5, 2012 Jed Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fit for a King Posted March 5, 2012 Share Posted March 5, 2012 have they also considered that they are unwittingly comparing the two dogs - ie Dog #1 is X, Y, Z whereas Dog #2 doesn;t do X or Y......they may not be doing it consciously BUT......they have to treat her like an individual..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mumsy Posted March 5, 2012 Author Share Posted March 5, 2012 Thanks guys. Okay to answer a few questions. The dog is inside alot. Free access to anywhere and its humans. The dogs needs are definitely being met and it is treated no differently than their first dog, that I know of. She gets brushed, she curles up on the couch with the kids etc. I don't think she thinks there is a problem with the dog, it is just that neither her or her husband feel a connection. Even her kids don't really feel they have a bond. I don't think that when they got this dog they could ever forsee themselves feeling like this. They are good people, and if she didn't give a damn, she wouldn't be looking for help. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BC Crazy Posted March 5, 2012 Share Posted March 5, 2012 (edited) When I got my 2nd dog it took me a while to bond with her. In the begining I thought I too had made a mistake. She had a few issues. e.t.c BUT !! not for one minute did I even entertain the thought of sending her back to the breeder or rehomeing her. I have thrown 110% of effort into bonding with her. I still go to bed each night completely exhausted cause she is a very high energy girl but you know what, I absolutely love her to bits. I think she has bonded with me now too. I can see it in her eyes when she looks at me. Makes me feel all warm & fuzzy inside. Everyone is different I guess but I am not one to give up. As Jed said & I totally agree with. It is up to us to go that extra yard to make it work. Edited March 5, 2012 by BC Crazy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Willow Posted March 5, 2012 Share Posted March 5, 2012 Sometimes we just don't "click", be it with animals or humans. There is no shame in them looking for a good home for her if they feel there's "nothing there" between them. It sounds like they want her to have a nice life and be happy, and if they can find another family who can feel for her what they feel they can't then why not? Perhaps if they try some one on one stuff with her first, and make a definite effort to get to know her as an individual, they may come to bond with her, or they may not, but at least they will have given it a good go, and will never be left thinking "did we do the right thing?" A lot of rescues have a "trial period" with a new family, because it's pretty common to take home a dog, and once you get to know it a bit, realise that you just don't fit well together, for whatever reason. If they keep the dog out of a sense of duty, when they really don't feel much for her, then eventually the dog will feel that too, and they may even end up resenting her. They've done nothing wrong, they haven't abused her, or been mean to her, so they shouldn't feel ashamed. Sometimes things just don't work out, and it's better she finds a forever home that fits her better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest lavendergirl Posted March 5, 2012 Share Posted March 5, 2012 What was the reason for getting the dog in the first place - was it as company for the other dog? Have they said exactly how the dog has disappointed them? Is it too reserved and perhaps more suited to an older household? The decision to rehome would depend on many factors such as ease of finding a new suitable home, and the number of homes the dog has had already which may effect its behaviour if it is rehomed again. After 8 months they should know if the dog fits in to their lifestyle and expectations. They need to make a genuine effort as a family to create a bond with the dog as an individual and value its own personality. If they do decide to rehome after all then it probably is best to do it while the dog is quite young and able to adjust. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aussielover Posted March 5, 2012 Share Posted March 5, 2012 They need to identify why they feel they are not bonding with the dog. is it a mismatch in energy levels, personality (eg they wanted a more smoochy dog), expectations etc? Then they need to decide whether they can and or want to address these issues. 8 months is quite a long time to have a dog living in your house, and not to feel any bond with it. Why did they choose this particular dog in the first place? They must have liked something about her initially in order to actually adopt her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JulesP Posted March 5, 2012 Share Posted March 5, 2012 she curles up on the couch with the kids etc. This sounds fairly bonded to me Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poochmad Posted March 5, 2012 Share Posted March 5, 2012 (edited) I was recently at a friends house. We have both recently adopted a second dog. My girlfriend started quizzing me about how well we had bonded with our newest dog. To make a long story short, she is having second thoughts. They are lovely people and have provided equally for both of their dogs. No one in the family has made a connection with the newest dog, which they have had for about 8 months. She is a lovely dog but they aren't feeling much connection emotionally with her, if that makes sense. They are wondering if A - It would be fair on either dog to rehome the newest dog. or B - If there is something else they can do to feel differently or C - If it is fair to the newest dog to find him a home where he will be loved a bit more. I have been thinking alot about what she said to me and I just didn't really have any great advice. Putting flame suit on. I could be wrong, but it seems to me that your friend for whatever reason has had second thoughts. The fact they've had the dog for 8 months and are saying they haven't 'bonded' sounds like something they think they should be saying as a reason to part with the dog, rather than saying the real reason, i.e. they no longer want the dog. If someone in the family hasn't bonded after 8 months, I don't believe that will change, especially if there are other reasons (that they are not telling you). Personally, I think it's best for everyone involved, including the dog, to rehome. A friend of ours recently rehomed her dog after 4 years and even though I didn't agree with her reason for rehoming (she said she had no time for the dog), she made the right decision as the dog now lives with an elderly lady and is 100% loved without any underlying negative feelings. As long as your friend doesn't then rush out and get a replacement (I.e. rehomed under false pretenses), I'd be supportive of the dog being rehomed. There is nothing worse than when someone says: I need to rehome my dog for [insert reason here] and then the next thing you know they have another dog, or worse a puppy, then they've lost my respect. By the way, my friend who's rehomed her dog is not allowed to get another dog by her husband in case she loses interest again, which is what happened with dog that was rehomed. Edited March 5, 2012 by poochmad Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Whippetsmum Posted March 5, 2012 Share Posted March 5, 2012 There are different ways of thinking about bonding, if the family expected it would be like falling in love and expecting a huge gush of emotion, that may be the problem. They were already in love with dog 1, so the emotion may be different. Try thinking about it as not falling in love, or that middle "we're in love" stage, but the later, more settled stage of a relationship. Falling in love with dog 2 can seem like a betrayal to dog 1 for some people. I do wonder what "bonding" means in some families, maybe your friend needs to rethink what bonding means to her, and what she and her family were expecting of the new dog. e.g What role did they have in mind? Maybe the kids snuggling with the dog is how they should think about bonding? If they broadened their definition, they probably will find the dog has bonded, but if they are expecting dog b to be the same as dog a and the relationship to be the same, it won't be. If I defined bonding as dog and I must be together all the time, I wouldn't have "bonded" with my girl, she takes herself off into another room sometimes, and doesn't have to be with me all the time. If it was a problem, it would be my problem, not hers. I have different relationships with my 2 but I we have a really sound bond. Maybe the new dog isn't as needy as your friend expected, if she isn't as in your face as the first, maybe that's because the position was already taken? Possibly the new dog is a smart pooch- new owner, not much time, new dog has company of first dog, so the new pooch has happily adapted to it's new situation. Maybe the expectation of dog 2 is very high, esepecially if dog1 is well behaved and affectinate, hard act to follow. Other possibility, if families get a second dog but don't spend much time with the second, it will most likely bond to the other dog, but as people have already pointed out, working with the dog and spending 1:1 time will definately help, encourage your friend to put some special time in with dog2, and see what happens. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redangel Posted March 5, 2012 Share Posted March 5, 2012 MY thoughts on this. When I got Luci we bonded straight off...she is my heart dog. Yes this sounds sweet but there are reasons behind this relationship. Notions of "bonding" are to me addressing a bigger problem when people put human emotion on dogs. Of course Luci bonded to me...she was the sole dog in the household...we did obedience class, socialisation lessons & included her in all our activities. Fast forward to when we got our second dog Rosie. We did not( as you describe) bond straight away. Primarily this was because Rosie identified with our first dog before she identified with us. Luci already knew how to behave as a member of the household...Rosies task was all the more harder as she had to not only learn as Luci had learned she had to develop a relationship with Luci as well. Factor in the fact that despite human expectations (flawed)...each dog (even if raised the same) is going to have a different personality. Cut the second dog some slack. The important thing is to as the responsible dog owner rise to the challenge having decided on a second dog. Make extra effort to realise the second dog needs extra involvement. Use solo time to discover where the dog needs development. Sometimes it is as easy as working out what pushes dog number 2's buttons, what it likes...why it is different from the first dog and embrace those differences. Or you could just sit back and say "we just didnt bond" and let it join the ranks of so many other dogs that are discarded for being unlikable for no other reason but of wrongly based human emotion. I enjoy having a multi dog household because of the experience of enjoying two canine personalities...both delightfully different Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Odin-Genie Posted March 5, 2012 Share Posted March 5, 2012 I was recently at a friends house. We have both recently adopted a second dog. My girlfriend started quizzing me about how well we had bonded with our newest dog. To make a long story short, she is having second thoughts. They are lovely people and have provided equally for both of their dogs. No one in the family has made a connection with the newest dog, which they have had for about 8 months. She is a lovely dog but they aren't feeling much connection emotionally with her, if that makes sense. They are wondering if A - It would be fair on either dog to rehome the newest dog. or B - If there is something else they can do to feel differently or C - If it is fair to the newest dog to find him a home where he will be loved a bit more. I have been thinking alot about what she said to me and I just didn't really have any great advice. Any thoughts? If it helps, I did not bond with my GR for almost that long when she arrived home as a puppy. Which was really surprising since I bonded with my elkhound from the moment I saw him. But I never thought of rehoming my GR. We continued the trainings, one to one sessions. Now she is my little princess and I can't think of being without her. Sometimes it just takes longer. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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