When The Time Comes How Do You Tell Your Child?

[espinay2]

Teach him that it is ok to grieve. That men cry too when they lose something precious and it is ok. Teach him to talk about his feelings, not bottle them up inside.

Be straight with him on what is happening. Tell him you hurt too. Acknowledge what is happening, but tell him you need to do what is best for your dog and sometimes that means saying goodbye even when you dont want to.

Talk about the good times with your dog. Talk about how special it has been having them as part of your life and how even with all the hurt you wouldnt have missed that for all the world. Tell him how the pain of losing them is worth it to be able to spend your time with them.

Give him time to say goodbye. Like others I remember coming home and being told the dog was gone. While they broke it gently and thought they were doing the right thing I really hated them for a while for not giving me time to say a proper goodbye. Seeing him grieve and say goodbye will hurt you, but it may hurt him more not to give him that opportunity.

Ask him how he would like to remember your dog. Does he want a special picture on the wall? A picture and candle on the mantle? A special tree or plant or stone in the garden? Does he want a little ceremony? Will you bury or get the ashes? He may not want any of that and that is ok too.

The important thing IMO is he gets the opportunty and time to feel like he has some control over the situation so he can deal with it in his own way and feels he can talk about it if he needs to.

FWIW

[pipsqueak]

Sorry, I've only just skimmed this post.

I have a leaflet called "It's Okay to Cry - Pet Loss and Grief" (Pat Miller). In the back, it has some recommended books for adults and children, so I thought it might help - sorry, I haven't read or seen any of these but thought it might be a place for you to start...

http://www.amazon.com/Tenth-Good-Thing-About-Barney/dp/0689712030/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1312788182&sr=1-1

http://www.amazon.com/Ill-Always-Love-Hans-Wilhelm/dp/0517572656/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1312788411&sr=1-1

Another couple of links which I hope might help you with this...

http://www.vetmed.wsu.edu/PLHL/support/child.aspx

http://ebusiness.avma.org/EBusiness50/files/productdownloads/pet_loss_brochure.pdf

[casowner]

Thank you all very much for your replies it has been very helpful to see other peoples experiences as adults and from when they were children.

I had a good talk with my son and asked him what he would prefer and he is going to think about it. We are also going to take some photos with her this weekend and start our "What Shannon means to me" project so that I can laminate it and keep with her ashes.

He has problems controlling his feelings and emotions which is why he is going back to his pyschologist as a few bad traumas have reared their ugly head and he releases his feelings negatively. He had progressed so well but the last year has presented him with many challenges and they have gotten on top of him.

I will check out those links FDT, thanks

[Wyntervale]

Oh sweety I know how much you love your babies, two legged and four.

I know it is hard as hell even though I haven't had to make that decision myself about telling a child.

I know what it was like for me as a child, two occasions specifically... I remember being there when our puppy was put to sleep because she had brain damage and I got to be there... it was distressing, but I knew what was happening and why it was happening.

The other occasion, my parents took our rabbit to be put down and didn't tell us, it was a sudden loss and we were quite upset and very angry when we found out later what had happened.

I know your boy has had a lot happen to him, so it may not be a good idea to have him there, but I think the time to adjust and to watch Shannon and see why it is that going to sleep is going to be the best thing for her. With preparation and the opportunity to say goodbye he might surprise you.

Always here if you need to talk xoxo

[Bilbo Baggins]

There are some good suggestions in here casowner.

Children are very perceptive so its best to tell the truth and its easier than lying.

Funny note. We had a white rabbit that was very tame came inside lopped around etc. Died probably old age.

Dad and young kids buried it in a shoe box near the shed.

Kids kept digging it up so that they could have another funeral. :laugh:

[suziwong66]

Thank you all very much for your replies it has been very helpful to see other peoples experiences as adults and from when they were children.

I had a good talk with my son and asked him what he would prefer and he is going to think about it. We are also going to take some photos with her this weekend and start our "What Shannon means to me" project so that I can laminate it and keep with her ashes.

He has problems controlling his feelings and emotions which is why he is going back to his pyschologist as a few bad traumas have reared their ugly head and he releases his feelings negatively. He had progressed so well but the last year has presented him with many challenges and they have gotten on top of him.

I will check out those links FDT, thanks

it sounds like you've got the situation well under control; kudos to you Having access to a child psychologist to help children to manage their emotions is something that you've already acknowledged as important Your son obviously has the support and framework to develop the skills he'll need throughout his life to manage some of the complex emotions he may experience.

Sadly, some children experience and are exposed to some very complex situations and they need help in being able to develop the skills to manage. For some kids childhood is more of a challenge than we acknowledge or are aware of; for a variety of reasons. Losing any significant relationship (including pet ownership) is hard for adults never mind children who often have less skills to cope throughout the trauma and chaos.

My sympathy and thoughts are with you as you navigate through the awful part of pet ownership; saying goodbye.

[Nic.B]

I truly feel for you Casowner, Shannon and your beautiful Son.

I have been away from DOL and rescue for a while, though noticed your post the other day.

We had to let our Old Ray go. We still miss him and speak about Old Ray. My then four year old Hannah and Ray where inseparable. Old Ray taught Hannah speech while he was with us. They were very much two gorgeous peas in a pod.

I too agonised over how we were going to share the news with Hannah that Old Ray was ready to cross the bridge.

It was difficult, though I gave Hannah 3 days of lead up. That is, I shared with her my concerns for Old Ray in a simple way as she helped me care for Ray and meet his needs. I helped Hannah realise Old Ray was very tired.

It is difficult at times, though I prefer to give the kids a ‘pebble’ before the “brick”. It is not the same at all, though I do the same with bath time, bedtime etc (give then 5 or 10 mins lead up etc so they are aware)

Hannah was not with old Ray while he was pts at home in my arms, though we spent an amazing few days together with old Ray. Hannah was only 4 and not 9 and I just knew she wasn’t ready to be there for Rays pts. It may be different for you, Shannon and your son.

There is the most wonderful advice here. I agree counciling/symbolic gestures are usually very helpful and very comforting for children and adults alike.

One thing I would highly recommend that helped Hannah (and me) greatly is books on losing pets. We borrowed some from Hannah’s preschool and the library. They were such a great support for me as a mother of Hannah and Old Ray. It helped prepare us all in many ways.

We have many beautiful symbolic gestures for old Ray, the most beautiful came from other DOLers.

Beautiful charms, bookmarks, photo frames and even the most beautiful Christmas decoration that Hannah places on the top of our Christmas tree.

We have a beautiful sandstone seat above Old Ray and a beautiful tree. Hannah and I often weed it and plant little flowers underneath while we share how special Old Ray was to each of us.

We still lie on the grass in the sun, watch the clouds and see old Ray up there watching over us.

Hannah tells me Old Ray has lots of children to play with and lots of other dogs and I agree. While it has been painful at times we are all doing well considering.

Time is often the healer, though doing what feels safe and relevant for you all in the meantime is also incredibly healing.

My thoughts and blessings are with you and your family during this difficult time. xx

[Clyde]

This is something I have struggled with for the last 2 years.

When we had Evie PTS, we told our kids that she had gone to live on a farm. I struggled so much with the decision and was distraught when it happened, I just couldnt handle telling the girls the truth. Also they were 5 and 6and a half, and we felt they were too young to understand the situation.

I'm torn about telling them the truth now that they are older. They still ask about Evie and say how much they loved her (sweet kids, its nice how they only remember the good times. ). But my OH feels we should leave it alone and take the secret to our graves- lest they feel betrayed, like you do!

Damned both ways.

DeeLee, I've never forgiven my parents for using the 'gone to a farm' story. You would be surprised how well kids cope. I have fibbed to Grace about why a dog died but have always been truthful about it dying. Whenever we lose an animal here Grace now likes to go and look at the body and ask all sorts of questions. She is at the opposite end and if anything, a bit nonchalant about death after we had a spate of duck and chicken losses.