When The Time Comes How Do You Tell Your Child?

[casowner]

In the very near future I will have to make the decision to put my gorgeous little Shannon to sleep, she has been my soul mate for over 11 years and it is killing me knowing that the time will soon be here. While it feels like my heart can't take it I have to think of my son and how best to deal with him.

My son will be 9 years old next month and he had always handled the reality of death with animals on a farm with such understanding and maturity that was until the day Jake died. The day Jake died was just one of the most difficult days I have had to face it was so sudden and so emotional and unfortunately my son was there to witness it. My son was in the car when Jake tried to crawl in next to him, he was there when my partner fell to pieces and was there as Jake lost his battle to live in the car. I think that apart from the loss of his dog he saw his male role model completely and utterly fall apart emotionally and that has affected him more than I realised.

Within a short time frame we lost 2 of his most special animals very suddenly and he has really struggled emotionally to deal with it and I know that losing Shannon will hit him hard. I have booked him in to see a therapist that he knows and trusts but the appointment isn't for 6 weeks and I don't know if we will have that long with her.

He knows this is coming, a few weeks ago when she went in for blood tests he fell apart the night before worrying that she wouldn't come home. I don't know what to do, do I tell him beforehand and let him spend time with her knowing how much this will affect him or do I not say anything until after it is done and let him grieve for her loss?

I have never had to deal with this before and I want to handle it to try and help him as much as I can. I can't bear the thought of losing her but I have to suck up my feelings for them and make it as easy as I can. Any experiences or thoughts would be appreciated

[Tassie]

Such a sad time. Could you do something like getting him to start some kind of special memories project (you could do this without necessarily having to tell him why.) I'm thinking of something like a special photo album, or some sort of compilation of the things he likes most about Shannon. It would be really hard for you, but might be good in the long run.

[perth_girl]

I am so sorry.

We had to put down the family Boxer in Feb this year. We had the Boxer (Tyson) before I had my son. Tyson was a rescue dog and we got him at roughly 4years old. My son was 6 when we had to put Tyson down at the age of 12. We told my son that Tyson was very old and he went to Heaven. We arent religious, but my son has a concept of what Heaven is. We had Tyson cremated and my son will occasionally say 'Hi Tyson' when he passes the urn. Every now and then he will take the urn and give it a big hug. Its a timber urn, so we arent worried about it breaking or anything.

I think its best to get your son used to the idea that Shannon will be going over the rainbow bridge/going to Heaven soon. Maybe tell him to write a letter to Shannon with anything he wants to say to her, so he can say everything he needs/wants to say.

[Teebs]

Please be honest...

I went to school one day and came home to find our dog gone.. Dad told me she ran away

I found out later that she had cancer and was PTS, i was so heartbroken that they didnt tell me and that i didnt get to say goodbye. I was 7.

[GoldenGirl85]

Tell him, give him time to say goodbye, but perhaps only tell him the day of, or the day before so there is less anxiety, also assure him that she will just go to sleep, that it won't be like last time

[minxy]

I don't have kids, but I would recommend telling him before so that he can say goodbye. When I was in year 8 I went away to school camp. My rottie had been really sick with cancer for quite some time and while I was away, my parents had no choice but to put her to sleep. It was in no way their fault that I didn't get to say goodbye, but I still wish I'd had that chance.

[dee lee]

At least this time you have the chance to give him a little time to come to terms with losing your dog.

Lots of warning that its coming. If he is anything like my 8 year old, even the advance warning that its coming will be hard, lots of tears, but I believe it helps enormously for when the inevitable happens.

Please be honest...

I went to school one day and came home to find our dog gone.. Dad told me she ran away

I found out later that she had cancer and was PTS, i was so heartbroken that they didnt tell me and that i didnt get to say goodbye. I was 7.

Oh Teebs.

This is something I have struggled with for the last 2 years.

When we had Evie PTS, we told our kids that she had gone to live on a farm. I struggled so much with the decision and was distraught when it happened, I just couldnt handle telling the girls the truth. Also they were 5 and 6and a half, and we felt they were too young to understand the situation.

I'm torn about telling them the truth now that they are older. They still ask about Evie and say how much they loved her (sweet kids, its nice how they only remember the good times. ). But my OH feels we should leave it alone and take the secret to our graves- lest they feel betrayed, like you do!

Damned both ways.

[trinabean]

I like Tassie's idea of capturing memories and celebrating Shannon's life. I also agree with Teebs that honesty is really important for kids. Sometimes they cope better with the truth than we do as adults.

If your son is told the truth of what is happening to Shannon he might be better prepared when the time comes? It would give him the opportunity to be pro-active in giving her the best time possible in this last stage of her life. He might have some good ideas of things he would like to do with/ for her too. Another DOLer who lost a dog recently had her dog do a 'painting' with her paws on canvas as a lasting memento. I thought it was a beautiful idea.

I wish you well at this difficult time.

[casowner]

He knows exactly what is wrong with her, this has been a longstanding condition in fact he reminds me every night to give Shannon her 3 tablets. He says to me that he knows that we don't have long with her and that it hurts him inside and doesn't want to lose her. It wasn't until Jake died that he really started to bond with her before that she was just the little fluffy dog that followed me around and spent her days laying under my bed stashing his toys that she had stolen. Shannon has never been a "kids" dog and it is only in the last year that she has even gone up for pats from him but she absolutely loves baby Luke and lays next to him all of the time.

A momento project sounds like a lovely idea and that is something I know I can discuss with him as he knows that we are on limited time. I am going to be honest about her death as this is something he expects and he would know I was lying if I said otherwise. I have always been honest when pets have died apart from the two after Jakes death and I feel awful but he could not have handled the truth as he has other deep stresses that we deep with. He tried for 10 days to will Donkey to live and he was falling apart at school and daycare so I told him that the vets had another home with a goat to keep him company. He was very upset but told me it was for the best, I can not and will not regret that decision.

I suppose I could talk to him and see what he would like me to do so that he is part of the process. If he wants to know the day before we can make it special for him or if not I can tell him after she has gone.

[persephone]

9 is no baby - he is a good kid, and has experience with death .. so just stick to facts . Shannon is very old, and sick, and her body is worn out from being sick.. her body is too weak and sore to keep Shannon alive anymore ..and the vet will make sure she dies without pain or worry. (she is not 'going to sleep'.. she is dying with help )

I agree with a memento book or CD if he wants , and perhaps plan where she will be buried ?

for you losing your little mate - she's been with you thru some trying times ...

[woodbyne]

I had the same issue with my kids 10 years and 7 years. I told the on the day as they were really upset i didn't think they needed to be upset for days before hand they knew it was coming when i told them what we had to do and were understanding needless to say devestatingly upset. My vet doesn't allow kids under 12 to go in when the animals is actually given the needle and i was thankful for that i had a friend come and mind the kids and they got to say good bye byt hubby and i went to teh vets and had out own time as well.Its never an easy thing but time is really only the nest healer.

[elysia]

I know how you feel as we are in a very similar situation. My children know our dog, who has had terminal cancer for approx. 3 years, really can't go on for much longer. Although we don't believe he is in pain, at times he is restless. Other times he wags his tail and wants his dinner. Handling the practicalities with children is very difficult. Should we tell them beforehand if the decision is made to euthanase him? How much beforehand? We plan to do it at home - should they be at home? If not where, and who with? I have talked to the children and they are both adamant they want to know beforehand so that they can say special goodbyes to him, but have also decided they don't want to be there. As they have also lost 2 elderly cats within the past 12 months they do have an understanding of death and grieving, and in some ways I am tempted to make the next death easier for them by saying he died in his sleep while they were out. I think the anticipation of his death may be too much for them, especially the younger one.

[Christina]

When my children were young we had 2 dogs PTS. Seperate times & ages. They both had cancer.

I told my 3 young children the dog was sick & the vet could not make them better. I did not want them to have pain before they died & get all sick & hurt & suffer so the vet would give them a needle to go sleep, it would not hurt , & then they die in their sleep.

They had the day off school & we had a party for the dogs & they said goodbye.

I did not take them to the vet with me for PTS as I did not want this to be the last memory

I don't think its right to lie to them about this.

[Cheyd]

Honesty definitely, I was another one who never got to say goodbye to our family dog, came home from school to no dog, note on the bench saying brother in ICU (attempted suicide) only told about the dog when one of the parents could come home to see us (not their fault two totally unrelated events, just rotten timing) I remember being so heart broken at not saying goodbye I went around collecting any hairs of his, just so I had something

A momento album sounds like a really good idea, a lovely way to celebrate her life

[schnauzer]

When my old boy died, a friend's 5 year old daughter wanted to know what happened to him and where he was. I thought that the truth was the best answer, and told her that he was very old and tired now and had gone to heaven to sleep. She cried but seemed to understand but also wanted to be able to see him.

I told her to look up in the night sky and the biggest, brightest, shining star was Oscar. This seemed to give her comfort and she still points out the biggest star as Oscar to her parents several years later

[BC Crazy]

When my old boy died, a friend's 5 year old daughter wanted to know what happened to him and where he was. I thought that the truth was the best answer, and told her that he was very old and tired now and had gone to heaven to sleep. She cried but seemed to understand but also wanted to be able to see him.

I told her to look up in the night sky and the biggest, brightest, shining star was Oscar. This seemed to give her comfort and she still points out the biggest star as Oscar to her parents several years later

Yes, thats a very similar thing to what I told my niece & nephew when my old fellow passed & they still look up in the sky & argue who saw "Redman" the brightest star first.

Edited August 8, 2011 by BC Crazy

[Purdie]

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Edited September 17, 2011 by Purdie

[oakway]

9 is no baby - he is a good kid, and has experience with death .. so just stick to facts . Shannon is very old, and sick, and her body is worn out from being sick.. her body is too weak and sore to keep Shannon alive anymore ..and the vet will make sure she dies without pain or worry. (she is not 'going to sleep'.. she is dying with help )

I agree with a memento book or CD if he wants , and perhaps plan where she will be buried ?

for you losing your little mate - she's been with you thru some trying times ...

+ 1

[Guest Ams]

Cas can you make it a positive experience? He has lost other pets before their time and has not had time to say goodbye. He understands this little one is unwell and he can use whatever time is remaining to make it special for him and her. He has time to prepare himself and do some grieving before the event which may help as it won't have the same shock as the loss of those that have gone without warning.

[Whippetsmum]

Wisdom from my 11 year old son, who was 9 when we had the same decision to make.....

Definately tell your son before you do take Shannon to see your vet. Explain that the time has come for Shannon to leave you, and although you will all miss him, you and the vet cannot make him well enough to live the life that you would want for him. The last gift for you and your family to give Shannon, is peace and freedom from pain.

P.S. My son made a lovely shrine out of Lego for our girl. He also helped his Dad choose a really lovely photo which was made into a canvas, so our girl is always with us.