Guest Panzer Attack! Posted May 17, 2011 Share Posted May 17, 2011 Hello I have a question - I've been doing countless internet and DOL searches since I got my pup, and have not found an exact answer to this scenario. I read a thread that Bubitty posted a few years ago but figured since there are many new members here now, and a LOT of puppy owners, that this thread is valid. People talk about post-natal depression, but when I was preparing for my puppy, I did a lot of reading, research, talking to other people. I've read threads on here in the past about bonding and how people have taken a long time to bond with their puppy, and I see the same threads pop up in Puppy Problems over and over and over, about how they've read all the highly recommended dog training books and puppy books but are still feeling overwhelmed about their new family member. Now - before I continue, let me make something clear. I do not want to rehome my puppy! But I DO want to get your views and stories on your new (or once-new) family members. I've had my pup for nearly 7 weeks now, and I DO feel overwhelmed and at a bit of a loss with him. We've done puppy school, we've done some clicker training, I have socialised him like crazy, he's met all the important dogs in my life... and we still have not connected. I know this has a lot to do with the loss of my previous dog, and that my ex has kept my first dog (and I miss them both terribly) - but after talking to a lot of experienced dog people, including showies and long time owners and even a breeder - it seems like this 'post puppy depression' is more common than I could have imagined! So I guess I want to know - when you got your new puppy or adult dog - was it a bit of a let down? Was it what you expected? Especially if you'd never had a puppy or any dog before? My two were both adults when I got them - one was 1 year old and the other was god knows, but definitely an older dog. Has it taken a lot of time for you to bond? Is there anything that you would have done differently now that you have the benefit of hindsight? Did you feel like you hadn't left enough time between your previous dogs? Obviously it would be incredibly unfair of me to compare this poor 15 week old pup with a psycho owner to my perfect and wonderful dog that no longer lives with me, or my heart girl who I will not see again until the next life ... I thought things would be different. I purchased a dog that she may have had in her mix, but made sure to get a male, and a fairly bouncy and outgoing (i.e. a pup I guess LOL) dog, one with a completely different personality to hers. He is a lovely little man, very friendly and I would think he was the bees knees if he wasn't mine . It's not nice knowing that you're letting a puppy down as much as I am. Please don't flame me I just want to know that I'm not alone. Thank you. x PS: just to add - I worked with animals for a long time and loved practically every single one that passed thru the doors. I worked with a rescue and ADORED every. single. one. I love patting dogs in the street. I love my friends' dogs. I love my partner's dog. I just don't understand why I can't love the one dog that is in my care at this point in time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
persephone Posted May 17, 2011 Share Posted May 17, 2011 (edited) I just don't understand why I can't love the one dog that is in my care at this point in time. because you're not really at a point where you can cope with having a new pup? This pup is not a perfect match? I don't know... I do not want to rehome my puppy ... even if he finds somewhere with an instant and strong bond/attraction? Oh- and I have always either had a 'replacement' dog/cat in the wings , or replaced one I lost immediately. That's my personal coping strategy .... Edited May 17, 2011 by persephone Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OSoSwift Posted May 17, 2011 Share Posted May 17, 2011 I think it is fairly common. I think sometimes we put them on a bit of a pedestal and when they arrive and reality kicks in that they are not perfect and you have gotten up during the night for the 5th time and you just want to relax but you can't because this mad thing wants to play, you think what was I thinking!!! When I got Rommi I had a 5 month old, a 2 year old and mentally wasn't in the best place I have been. Even though I had a baby that slept through and then got a puppy who didn't, I really connected with her as she was something so different from all the other stuff that I was doing every day and I really needed that. I desperately needed something to think about other than the same movie rolling over and over in my head We had training sessions and I got to do things other than wash and change kids bums, so it was the escape I needed. Lewis slotted in like he had always been here, he was almost 8 months old though. In the past I have had "what the hell did I do this for?" moments when it had all seemed to go to crap and there was yet another toilet mishap on the floor and all I wanted to do was sit down. I also think that other factors such as recently losing a dog etc can play a part in it as well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wuffles Posted May 17, 2011 Share Posted May 17, 2011 To be honest, I don't really remember how long it took me to 'bond' with either of my dogs. What I do know is that with both of them (one adult rescue and one purebred puppy) I had moments where I sat down and cried, wondering what the heck I'd gotten myself into I think this was probably 2-3 weeks after they arrived. I think I have a good bond with both my dogs but one definitely moreso than the other. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
W Sibs Posted May 17, 2011 Share Posted May 17, 2011 (edited) Maybe it's just the case that your heart is not ready for another pup, even if you wanted one? Not all the preparation is going to prepare you how you feel for the pup when you get it. ETA: Charlie and I bonded instantly. Emmy the bond between us was quickly but not instantly. She instantly bond with Mr CWEW and my sister. Even though she was the evil "child" she is exactly what my family needed. Her happiness, her energy and her funny ways has bought a lot of joy for us. Edited May 17, 2011 by CW EW Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stonecutter Posted May 17, 2011 Share Posted May 17, 2011 (edited) OH felt exactly like this - Ziva spends most days with me and OH was treated like he didn't exist. We started using TOT (Triangle of Temptation) for her breakfast - and only OH does the feeding. This has created a really great bond between them. Even though previously we were both training her for breakfast and dinner - the TOT did the trick. ETA - it's worse because she's a Spitz - headstrong & independent! Edited May 17, 2011 by stonecutter Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
megan_ Posted May 17, 2011 Share Posted May 17, 2011 It is a hard one to answer. I got Fergus as a pup and I see-sawed between love and "hate" (not really hate, just wanting to give him to someone who knew what they were doing). In some ways, DOL made it worse because there are so many things that YOU MUST NOT DO OR YOU WILL RUIN YOUR PUP FOREVER. I always felt inadequate. The good news is that, once I realised that I wasn't the worst dog owner in the world and started to relax, I started to bond with him. I did a private training session with Erny using the tug and I started to see that he could learn (before that, I went to a club and while they were really nice volunteers, they couldn't offer me any method besides luring, and it didn't work with me or him). I also went to an Uta Bindel seminar and learnt about using the clicker properly. I had a lightbulb moment - I had a smart little dog who wanted to please me. Looking back, I can't believe that I was ever considering giving him up - he is my heart dog. We have such a strong bond and I love him to bits. We work really well together and the more training I do with him the more I learn about what makes him tick. He is very smart, very driven but very impatient. If I miss a click he throws a little tanty and then does the move in slow motion to make sure I've seen it . So I only do training for a minute or two, tops. With Lucy, it was harder. She was a rescue ex puppy farm breeding bitch who was too scared to even look at me. I loved her in theory but it is hard to form a bond with a dog that would rather run in front of a car than have to deal with you! The first time she summoned up the courage to come and sit with me, still shaking and scared, was a great moment for us. Even teaching her to sit was hard - if I held a piece of food above her she cowered in fear. Over the last two years, I have grown to love her more and more and she has "learnt to learn" and is now doing agility. She has developed her personality and, just when I think she's reached her peak, she suprises me even more. She is loving in her own way. She doesn't melt into me like Fergus does when he cuddles, but every morning she expects a scratch behind the ears and gives a satisfied little moan. Looking back at some of your posts you seem very stressed. That is normal, but it isn't condusive to either you or the pup being happy. My advice is to just relax. If you're getting stuck with training, just give it a break. I now only train when I'm in a good, energised mood and it has made a big difference. Things will come in their own good time, there is no need to rush. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Spotted Devil Posted May 17, 2011 Share Posted May 17, 2011 It took me ages to bond with my Dalmatian - it was partly him (he could be a right little turd at times ) but I think it says more about where I was at. I think he's just perfect now and love training him. I bonded with Little Em much more quickly - I was more patient and much more relaxed about making mistakes. Less pressure lets you concentrate on the fun things. They are chalk and cheese and just brilliant. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
whiskedaway Posted May 17, 2011 Share Posted May 17, 2011 Extremely common. I answered the poll with my older dog because it was very different with our puppy, but it took months with Akira. Constantly I would think "why did we do this?" It didn't help that we got her at a time where OH had just had a nasty accident and operation from footy, and she was so petrified of everything. Plus she was NAUGHTY to extremes, and a typical Husky that wouldn't listen. OH bonded with her first (and she's still his dog now), and it wasn't until she was about eight months old when I started realising I loved her more and more every day. Now she's my baby, and she's such a good girl and I love going home to see her. Halo was just about instant. Maybe took a week or so. I adore her, she's my little girl and she's definitely my dog. OH had the same issues with bonding with her that I had with bonding with Akira. There's a reason why Halo's nicknames are a little more derogative than Akira's, and that's because OH is normally the one who gives them! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starkehre Posted May 17, 2011 Share Posted May 17, 2011 (edited) You are definitely not alone. A lot of people don't like to admit if they do not bond or perhaps have favourites when multiple dogs are owned. Out of the 3 I currently have now - One took me 3 years to bond with and now she is my heart dog. Another I bonded with within weeks, but I have now lost that bond with him, but that is OK cause OH has taken over with him and they are thick as thieves. And the other I bonded with instantly and I know when my older one is gone she will take over as my heart dog. A previous dog I owned, whom passed away last year, I never bonded with. She was an awesome dog and I loved her, but I was just really in love with her. I have decided I will not do this ever again. If I find myself in that position later down the track with a new dog, I will not try force or fabricate the bond. If it is not there I will rehome. For me, I enjoy my dogs more if I am super passionate about them and adore them to bits. There is no shame in rehoming your pup if that is what you decide to do. Sounds like it may be a combination of not being the right time for you emotionally and perhaps also that you and this pup just do not click. What I find as one of those strange things about human nature is that if you make the decision to rehome, you actually may find yourself suddenly form the bond you dreamed of having. Once it appears to yourself that you may be losing your lovely little man, your attitude towards him may change over night. We often feel a certain way because we feel locked in and trapped. Once you free yourself of what seems a "not so perfect" relationship, you may be surprised how the things can change for the better. I do hope it all turns out for you, whatever you decide. Edited May 17, 2011 by dyzney Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Panzer Attack! Posted May 17, 2011 Share Posted May 17, 2011 Oh, such wonderful answers, thank you so much everyone! I feel less stupid already! Persephone - I know a major part of it is that I did have my other dog when I lost my girl, and having him living somewhere else was like losing both of them at the same time. When I still had him, I was coping so much better. I know realistically that the no-bonding is entirely my fault, and don't think it is neccesary to rehome... and to be honest, if I did rehome him, I'd never get another dog. I think it is fairly common. I think sometimes we put them on a bit of a pedestal and when they arrive and reality kicks in that they are not perfect and you have gotten up during the night for the 5th time and you just want to relax but you can't because this mad thing wants to play, you think what was I thinking!!! Haha, I completely agree, thank you for your point of view! xx To be honest, I don't really remember how long it took me to 'bond' with either of my dogs. What I do know is that with both of them (one adult rescue and one purebred puppy) I had moments where I sat down and cried, wondering what the heck I'd gotten myself into I think this was probably 2-3 weeks after they arrived. I think I have a good bond with both my dogs but one definitely moreso than the other. LOL. I've done the crying thing so many times it's unreal. You look at them and think sometimes "who ARE you?!" Maybe it's just the case that your heart is not ready for another pup, even if you wanted one? Not all the preparation is going to prepare you how you feel for the pup when you get it. I think this is mostly the problem, but I don't want to punish him for my stupid feelings. It's not his fault... and I hope in time I'll love him as much as you love Princess Emmy x OH felt exactly like this - Ziva spends most days with me and OH was treated like he didn't exist. We started using TOT (Triangle of Temptation) for her breakfast - and only OH does the feeding. This has created a really great bond between them. Even though previously we were both training her for breakfast and dinner - the TOT did the trick. ETA - it's worse because she's a Spitz - headstrong & independent! OMG I can't even imagine... my pup is a toy breed, he's one of the easy ones! I handfeed and kong the pup, he gets everything he needs from me and he still couldn't care less about checking in, even when it's just the two of us in the house, he'd much rather be off sniffing something or playing with a toy (he's learned how to throw toys for himself so doesn't even need me for that anymore lol). I got Fergus as a pup and I see-sawed between love and "hate" (not really hate, just wanting to give him to someone who knew what they were doing). In some ways, DOL made it worse because there are so many things that YOU MUST NOT DO OR YOU WILL RUIN YOUR PUP FOREVER. I always felt inadequate. The good news is that, once I realised that I wasn't the worst dog owner in the world and started to relax, I started to bond with him. This whole post really resonated with me, thank you so much! The part I've quoted - I AGREE! I feel like he'd be so happy in a home that knows how to raise a puppy, and that every little thing I do wrong or every little thing he doesn't respond to just how it says in the doggy books - I don't want to ruin him! It's full on! He does enjoy tug, and that's pretty much the only activity he needs me to participate with, so I'll keep going with that. Thank you xx It took me ages to bond with my Dalmatian - it was partly him (he could be a right little turd at times ) but I think it says more about where I was at. I think he's just perfect now and love training him. I bonded with Little Em much more quickly - I was more patient and much more relaxed about making mistakes. Less pressure lets you concentrate on the fun things. They are chalk and cheese and just brilliant. Relaxing is definitely the key, huh. I should try doing that. Thanks Extremely common. I answered the poll with my older dog because it was very different with our puppy, but it took months with Akira. Constantly I would think "why did we do this?" It didn't help that we got her at a time where OH had just had a nasty accident and operation from footy, and she was so petrified of everything. Plus she was NAUGHTY to extremes, and a typical Husky that wouldn't listen. OH bonded with her first (and she's still his dog now), and it wasn't until she was about eight months old when I started realising I loved her more and more every day. Now she's my baby, and she's such a good girl and I love going home to see her. Halo was just about instant. Maybe took a week or so. I adore her, she's my little girl and she's definitely my dog. OH had the same issues with bonding with her that I had with bonding with Akira. There's a reason why Halo's nicknames are a little more derogative than Akira's, and that's because OH is normally the one who gives them! Haha, aww, poor Halo, she is so beautiful. I felt like an idiot posting this thread TBH because so many of you have had much more difficult dogs (huskies, spitzes, beagles, working line dogs) and you see people walking around with dogs that they don't seem to like too much that fawn all over their owners and think - why not me? I have been doing NILIF but he gets more and more disinterested the more often I do it, and blargh! I'm just glad I know to socialise him so he loves all people. My biggest fear is that he's going to grow up to not like people, and happily it seems to be the opposite so far. Thanks again everyone xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remarkabull Posted May 17, 2011 Share Posted May 17, 2011 I have felt an instant 'connection' to every dog I've owned (I never would have purchased them otherwise), however I do have a stronger bond with my boys than with the girls. I love my Doberman so much it hurts. I just seem to have a greater connection to that particular breed and their personality than other breeds, I can't imagine meeting a Dobe that I wouldn't/couldn't love, especially the male dogs, they are big sooky la la mumma's boys. :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wuffles Posted May 17, 2011 Share Posted May 17, 2011 I think also sometimes we just have to accept a dog's personality for what it is - kind of like people! My rescue boy is independent and has very selective hearing. He's difficult to train yet demonstrates extreme smarts when it comes to getting what he wants. He likes pats on his terms, but if you sit next to him or give him cuddles he just gets up and leaves. But when my heart girl is playing with her toy, rolls around on her back flailing her legs like a dying insect, gets a leg tangled in the cord on the iron and brings both the iron and ironing board crashing down in a heap on top of her..... all of a sudden I feel a sudden appreciation for my calm, independent boy who is fast asleep on his bed in the lounge room :rofl: Or when I come home from the hospital after getting knee surgery, and my heart girl barrels into the knee at full speed in excitement... then my non-cuddly boy sits calmly about a metre away and offers me his paw gently... I know I love them both, even with their hugely different personalities Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Keira&Phoenix Posted May 17, 2011 Share Posted May 17, 2011 I loved both my girls the minute I set eyes on them. In saying that I feel a stronger bond with the younger dog and I feel like my bond to the older dog isn't as strong as it used to be, I feel terrible saying that like I am betraying her but I still love her to bits. With your new pup not checking it, I don't think it is unusual at that age. Even though Phoenix bonded quite strongly to me she went through a stage where she would just wander off around the house to talk to everyone else and sniff around, it made me sad but it was just a stage and has mostly stopped now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katie P Posted May 17, 2011 Share Posted May 17, 2011 Took maybe 2 weeks to bond? I wouldn't say my boy is my heart dog, but he brings a lot of much needed joy and fun into my life Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Henrietta Posted May 17, 2011 Share Posted May 17, 2011 It was a slow-growing bond between Abby and I, I have to say. The first two years were the hardest as we experienced some behavioural difficulties and I was learning some hard lessons. But ongoing training has helped us forge a very strong bond. Training, playing and grooming all helped in our day to day relationship building and it's only through me understanding her a little better that we have a bond that is stronger than I could ever have imagined. I don't think I can have an instant bond with anyone, animal or human. But in comparison with Abby, my other dogs have wormed their way into my heart at the speed of light. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Animal House Posted May 17, 2011 Share Posted May 17, 2011 I instantly bonded with Charlie (my rescue boy who I adopted when he was 2). With Minty (I adopted her as a pup from an interstate rescue) it was a bit slower. It took a few months to connect, but she loves everyone, especially males, and would easily go off with one I'm sure. With my cat, I haven't really bonded yet, and I think I know why. (Long story but anyway). I had a ginger cat as a kid growing up, he was my best friend, mate, everything from age 11. He was a feral but I tamed him, he was part of my family, he would sleep in my bed and call out my name (trust me, his meow sounded like my first name ) if I forgot to let him in my room at night. He lived a long, happy life, and I miss him to this day. So when I saw 3 ginger kittens being advertised on Dol for adoption, I asked the rescuer which one would suit me. She suggested this one, as the other was a bit of a wild child. In hindsight, I think I should have met the kittens, and then made the decision myself, as sometimes, you don't bond with any of them. Now even though I haven't really bonded with him, I do love him to bits, hes a bit of a nutter, he is very dog like, he fetches things, he sleeps on my head if I let him, and he lets the neighborhood know if he is hungry, trust me, his meowing at food time makes sure he gets fed earlier every day. I think I was expecting the same feeling I had with my childhood cat, and I didn't get it. Because he was my heart cat. But in saying that, I wouldn't re-home him, I think in time he will grow on me.....he loves to be with me, hes on me, hes following me, he wants to be where I am, doing what Im doing, and that in itself probably makes it harder for me, as I like my space. Anyway, the point I was trying to make was I think sometimes if we get a puppy/cat/dog without meeting with them first to see if we bond, it's a fairly big chance we take. I think when we mourn the loss of another pet, and then try to replace them, we naturally make comparisons between the new one & the old one, and if we expect to feel the same about them, then we are setting ourselves up for disappointment. So if/when I eventually get another dog when one of mine passes, I will be meeting the pup in person and choosing one myself. However long it takes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beth. Posted May 17, 2011 Share Posted May 17, 2011 I know what you're feeling - I remember the first day I got Lottie home, it was amazing - I had all my friends around and we were playing etc - then everyone left, and I was at home, all alone with this little puppy... Well - it was just ALL too overwhelming for me, I really did freak out a bit (as a couple friends and my sister can justify). I felt like i'd made the biggest mistake ever, I cried pretty much the whole first day... didn't know what I had gotten myself into (I had just finished 2 weeks of exams, then being away for a week, so I think I was exhausted as well), went over to my sisters, with this tiny little fluff ball in my arms, balling my eyes out!!!!!! Well, after a couple days, her personality really started to come out (and she turned out to be a VERY VERY good puppy - I think that was something that was freaking me out, the amount of crying that could happen - well none did!!). I was still feeling like 'what have I done!!' for about a week, then all of a sudden, it went away as Lottie was already really bonded to me, and after that, the rest is history!! She's my heart dog and I couldn't imagine not having her (to the point I get teary when I think of something happening to her ). But saying all that, it only lasted around a week, maybe a bit less, then we have been inseperable since then! But that first week was very very hard!! to you!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mumtoshelley Posted May 17, 2011 Share Posted May 17, 2011 My mum got Buddy when I was 14 years old I formed a strong bond with him, I trained him,walked him so he was kinda my dog in a way. The bond with Buddy happened the day my mum brought him home, Buddy would follow me everywhere. Buddy would also wait at the back door at the same time everyday when I came home from school. I spent all my time with Buddy before I went to school and when I came home. Shelley on the other hand took me about a year to form a bond with, Mainly cause i was comparing her to Buddy. Shelley was much more destructive then Buddy ever was. I kept up with spending time with Shelley training,playing and just patting her. There also were times i felt like rehoming her cause i thought i would never form a bond with her. But now I'm glad that I kept her cause now we have such a strong bond even stronger then Buddy and I. Shelley looks at me for everything, She will not go up to strangers or other dogs unless i say its ok. She also will not take food from strangers unless i say its ok, Shelley has turned out to be the most wanderful dog I have trained. Once i stoped comparing her to Buddy It was so much easier to form a bond with her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sas Posted May 17, 2011 Share Posted May 17, 2011 It took years to bond with my current 4 year old male, mainly because of his health and temperment issues. I have a pup now who I bonded with straight away. I have a rescue dog who I got as anadult who I bonded with the moment I stepped into her dog pen at the shelter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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