Connecting With Your Dog

[Roman]

I'm sorry that you're strugling to connect :D It must be hard for you.

I guess I've been really lucky with both my boys. I connected with both of them on the days that I picked them (both were 5 weeks old). I think Bear is my little soul mate. Since the day I brought him home he's been my little shadow. It has been just him & me for a long time. We have a really awesome bond. And then Roman came along and he's my big BFF & guardian He reads me better then I read myself.

I hope you can establish that connection you're seeking. I'm sure someone's suggested this, but try giving him a big hug. I've found that being physically close to mine is the time I feel most connected to them. And who doesn't like a big puppy hug?

Good luck with it :p

[Bracken]

I've had an interesting time connecting with my new dog Ziggy. I was instantly attracted to her out of the litter of 6 when she was 2 weeks old, and then each time I visited (about once a week) I remained more interested in her and consequently spent about half of each visit with her and half with the others. By the time the pups were 8 weeks old this had impacted on Ziggys response to me in comparison with the other pups, as she would come over to me and just seemed to recognise me more than the others. Luckily the 2 people with prior choice to me didn't pick her so I was able to take her home :D

I have felt that although I always had a connection with her, it has changed over the few months I have known her. Initially there was the instant connection. Then there was the connection through the caring role, as she was too little to really 'understand' me. I still loved her at this point, but for the first 2 months I saw her as very cute but that we would have a better connection when she was older. I didn't feel too bad for not having a super close feeling right away, as I had found this thread and I was pretty sure that the connection would come through Ziggy understanding commands and my noticing her body language more, which wasn't going to be happening strait away with my little ball of fluff! Over time as I taught her tricks and we just spent time with each other we've grown so much closer, and I now really recognise her personality traits.

I think our bond has definitely strengthened through going to dog training classes and joining an obedience club. As we can now 'communicate' with each other a lot better. She's nearly 6 months now, so I'll soon be starting her with agility, as I think that the best bonds are built through working together... And food :p

[rastus_froggy]

You need to BOTH 'do' something- to learn to trust each other, and work in/as a TEAM ! :D

All my dogs have been love at first sight - my heart skipped a beat, and that was that .:p Maybe because I never sought then out - none were planned ..they all just 'found' me ?

I am with Pers here on both points.

I am all for training trick for bonding, I find it my favourite type of training, just don't let it become stressful for EITHER of you, break it off before it gets to that point.

I have never taken on a dog that I havent bonded with immediately, somehow my heart and my head work together and so far have been good to me in selecting my dogs, although I do want to get a puppy one day and I'm sure it is harder to pick a puppy that you will bond with.

None of the dogs I have taken on have been a walk in the park, all of them have come to me with behavioural issues and have been testing but I think because I felt the instant bond with them I have been happy to work through these issues.

[Red Fox]

Thanks everyone for the info so far, I am going to try harder on being more interactive. I guess I feel that I am also failing him so I am having a hard time connecting with him for this. I have made some mistakes along the way,one of them I really have no idea how to combat or fix and every time it happens it leaves me frustrated and disconnected with Echo. I have no idea what I can do to encourage him to offer behaviours, I tried the box and he loses interest in it or he ignores the box just sits for 20 minutes staring at me and waiting for attention/food. He is a slow learner, some things he picks up a little faster but others take ages which make it hard to introduce new tricks as I don't want to confuse him with similar actions for new behaviours.

Just a thought, perhaps you are trying too hard. Do you use NILIF with your dog?

By all means you should be interacting with your dog - just not for free.

Try ignoring him between training sessions, walks, feeding times and toilet trips (crating if you can). Ask for a behaviour before you give any attention in the form of pats, treats and affection. If he refuses to pay attention during a short training session (by short I'm talking 30 seconds not 30 mins!) then pop him back in his crate and try again later. Teach him that you are his "pack leader", all good things in life come from you.

Yes, much harder than it sounds. We all want to lavish attention on our dogs! But dogs are not humans, their mind works differently from ours and knowing their place in the pack will result in a more secure, confident (and perhaps) affectionate dog. You may find that a shift in your attitude towards him - you please ME if you want something - may make all the difference.

[koalathebear]

I'm really sorry to hear about this - I know how long you have been waiting for Echo and how much hard work you put into him. While I agree that training can be a great way to bond with your dog, what I think is more important is to find something that you and Echo enjoy doing together - whether that's going for a walk, chilling out, playing hide and seek or just goofing around with a toy.

Not all dogs are great at obedience training straight away and to be honest, going to classes can be incredibly disheartening if your dog isn't performing as well as someone else's dog - I've seen it a lot in classes. Someone with a challenging dog just looks quite exhausted, frustrated and defeated at the end of the class and it doesn't help that everyone else's dog is performing great. Going to training is great for socialisation but some dogs take time to grow into it and enjoy it. If Echo's still quite excited by other dogs, I'd also explore other things that might be fun for him. I know it can be frustrating when it seems like your dog isn't doing/performing as you'd like, but often it just takes time. There have been some times when Elbie and Hoover haven't caught onto a trick the first few times, so I drop it and then suddenly they're delivering it up and performing it with gusto.

With the box thing - our two have enjoyed going through a tunnel box, so it's not just nosing at it and tapping it with a paw, they actually to through it to retrieve a ball. You sound to me like you've made a huge effort to be a good owner and ticked all the boxes but by doing so, it's almost made it a chore/mission that must be achieved rather than just welcoming a new member into your family that has good and bad traits and strengths and weaknesses. I think in time you'll find endearing goofy ways about Echo that make you smile and it's not just the 'achievements' that you remember but the funny setbacks, too. Good luck - Echo's beautiful and is lucky to have you as an owner!

Edited April 6, 2011 by koalathebear

[B-Q]

I feel like this with my sisters dog Mac. She's lovely and I adore her but there is no connection between us. Luckily she's my sisters, not mine.

I know its not because she's not my dog, I had a very strong bond with my mothers cattle dog mix.

[Bubitty]

What do you mean by connection? Do you love him?

Bubby is my soulmate. I could sit on a porch and grow old with him forever and ever. He understands me and reads me like a book. When I need a pick me up, I turn to Bubby who always seems to understand. He trusts me and I am his go to person. I am "Mummy".

Bitty, I don't have a mental connection and she has always loved OH more but she makes my heart sing! She is my baby, my little prodigy, my picture perfect dog! I absolutely adore her and sometimes on our walks, when she struts around on lead looking so divine that I stop in the middle of the street and mooch over how wonderful she is. But we don't have moments like I do with the Bubby!

[Guest english.ivy]

Connected with Ivy right away but Badger took awhile longer.

He's just turned 12 months and I'm just getting the connection. At times I didn't want him around but now he's my giant cuddly boy :D

The thing that helped me connected with Badger was taking them both to the beach and letting them run free. Badger now spots me out of everyone else. He won't say hi to anyone else [meaning humans] at the beach but he's all over me.

Can you take Echo to the beach, on a long line if he hasn't got good recall? Go do something fun where you'll laugh at his antics. Badger loves it when I laugh at him as he knows I'm happy. He's a prick of a dog if I'm not happy.

So I'm thinking maybe Echo can feel you're beating yourself up over the lack of connection, so he's feeling it too.

We don't do a lot of training, we just have fun and enjoy the time we have together.

[jacqui835]

jacqui- I am in no way afraid of Echo, nor afraid of his behaviour or personality, he is a very surprisingly confident and head strong puppy, but I am well prepared for that. I hope soon we will click, for now I guess I will work on trying to get some shaping done.

Thanks everyone for the info so far, I am going to try harder on being more interactive. I guess I feel that I am also failing him so I am having a hard time connecting with him for this. I have made some mistakes along the way,one of them I really have no idea how to combat or fix and every time it happens it leaves me frustrated and disconnected with Echo. I have no idea what I can do to encourage him to offer behaviours, I tried the box and he loses interest in it or he ignores the box just sits for 20 minutes staring at me and waiting for attention/food. He is a slow learner, some things he picks up a little faster but others take ages which make it hard to introduce new tricks as I don't want to confuse him with similar actions for new behaviours.

I didn't mean to imply that I thought you were, only to provide an example of how things can change dramatically as they have in my case. I thought my dog was also pretty dumb as a puppy, even though he picked things up more quickly. By about 1 though he had changed quite a bit, and now has a better understanding I think of the goals of training.

You're not failing him, he sounds like he has a fantastic life. I think perhaps some ppl just aren't puppy people - I know I'm not. I get puppies so I can create the adults I really want.

[Fatsofatsoman]

Boonie had me at hello :D

I definitley have a stronger bond with Boonie than my wife does - and she craves it way more than I did, she has slowly won him over. But it took a while - he was indifferent to her and always laying all over me and coming to me for pats and play.

I don't know why it just was - we did equal feeding, training and playing so one wasn't seen to be the pack leader.

It's funny I think my disciplining him (and deeper scarier voice) actually led to me being the pack leader.

One thing I've done though that she hasn't is swimming with him - not just taking him to the beach/creek for a swim (we both do this) - but actually going out in the water myself and having him come and swim to me - we then just spend time in the water with me supporting his weight, he loves it.

[W Sibs]

What do you mean by connection? Do you love him?

Bubby is my soulmate. I could sit on a porch and grow old with him forever and ever. He understands me and reads me like a book. When I need a pick me up, I turn to Bubby who always seems to understand. He trusts me and I am his go to person. I am "Mummy".

You have just describe my relationship with Charlie. Charlie is my Other Half. He knows me better than anyone else. I can show the world that I'm happy and fine even when I'm sad, but he knows and comes and rest his head on my lap and sits with me knowing his present comforts me.

Emmy and I connected straight away too although not instantly like Charlie did. Emmy is the sweetest dog I've ever own and is soo affectionate and she's my funny girl. Even though she gave me hell with toilet training, has no attention span, doesn't have an off switch button... I never thought about giving her up. It wasn't until she was 6 months old that I really really fell in love with her. I mean I was nuts about her from the get go and we just clicked, but it wasn't until she calm down that I'm like 'You're an awesome dog'. Training is a game for Emmy, she loves it. She rather do trick training then obedience though, but I think it's because she's a show off and picks up tricks after one go.

Edited April 7, 2011 by CW EW

[OSoSwift]

I think sometimes when we are waiting for the puppy of our dreams we tend to romanticise it and we think of all the brilliant things and how wonderful our puppy is going to be and how great we are going to be together.

When they come home it doesn't take long for the shine to dampen a little. They are full on, we need to get up during the night, we end up tired and grumpy, they destroy things, don't do as we want (yes I know its because they are babies) and the reality is quite often nowhere near the perfect picture we had painted in our minds. Sometimes we even think what the hell did I do that for!!!!

We can then feel a little let down.

I think it also depends on what sort of things we wanted from our dogs. I had one dog that I really didn't like and the feeling was mutual. I wanted a dog that liked to be a round me, wanted cuddles, would have liked to play with me, do training, go to the beach off lead. What I got was a very independant dog who didn't think he needed humans in his life to survive, wasn't interested in training (what we did achieve was a very hard slog) nicked off at any and every opportunity, didn't care ever if he lost sight of me anywhere. We had no connection what so ever and I totally ended up resenting him.

In the end in desperation I sent him back to his breeder who agreed he was very independant, rather stubborn and after much discussion he stayed with the breeder. He ended up being rehomed to a house where he could essentially do what he wanted as in laze around inside, run around their large block etc. He was walked every day but not expected to do any obedience or never had much asked of him. He loved living there and actually cared for his people.

I got a bitch from the same breeder and we got along briliantly.

I now have two. Rommi and I get along well and have a great relationship, she also loves OH and will happily sit on his lap for a pat, will go to anyone for cuddles. Then I have Lewis. He arrived at 8 months and within a day he was my dog. He will sit on OH's lap if I am not around but is off the second he can sit with me. If I leave a room he will get up and follow me or sit and wait looking at the door until I come back. He doesn't suffer from seperation anxiety from me but he just loves to be with me. He will work his socks off in obedience or anything else I ask of him. He would work until he dropped.

I think sometimes it happens, but I also know it can take a little bit more time from both parties.

I think you will find as he gets a little older it might come a bit easier as you are not so worried about training and making sure he is not destroying something etc. Young Dobes are hard work and young male ones can be moreso. Give yourself time you are putting in the hard work now and in time when you can relax a little I am sure you will become closer. I also second some trick training, it doesn't need to be so precise and it helps you to laugh, which inturn helps the feeling with both of you. Good luck

Edited April 7, 2011 by OSoSwift

[SparkyTansy]

It took longer for Ari than any of my other dogs.. I loved her but the connection wasn't there. With James it was instant, and with Spartan, it came quickly.

Now, though, we have a different connection than any of my other dogs. She's silly and a bitch of a dog at times, but I do love her very much. when I put her on a plane a few weeks back for her romantic holiday, I actually cried when I got in the car, as she had never been away from me before... it's moments like those where you realise the connection really is there, it's just not as in your face as dogs where there is an instant, incredibly special connection.

[sas]

oh he will be with us until he dies, I just dont know why we cant connect :/

It's not uncommon.

Some different training methods can help you bond and sometimes time can help but sometimes there is no bond.

Some say it is more fair to the dog to find a home for it where it does bond with the family.

Does the dog have any behavioural problems that contribute towards you not bonding?

[SpotTheDog]

I'm really glad this topic can be discussed so openly and without judgement on these forums. There are other forums where if you said you weren't bonded with your dog people would howl that you were cruel and horrible and so on.

Forming a bond with Gus has been really difficult for me. I can't quite put my finger on why - perhaps it's because he brought more disruption and chaos to the household than he did positive contributions. He didn't come bearing companionship, just work and disobedience and hyperactivity and just when you finally thought he might be getting better, he'd have a day of obnoxiousness that made me want to cry and kill him all at once.

However we've done classes, and obedience, and some basic training on straightforward commands, and I'm going to enrol for the pre-agility foundation classes that teach you to teach the dog to focus on you. He is definitely getting better - definitely. We have morning cuddles and evening cuddles when I get home. I force myself to be patient and understanding with him and more often than not these days he rewards my efforts with good behaviour and affection and that's really wonderful. He also seems to enjoy his life and that's important to me.

I still don't know quite why I felt like I did though - I'd been assuming it's because Gus is my first dog as an adult and I have all those childhood memories - which, importantly, are childhood memories of adult dogs and the disconnect between those memories and my reality was too much to deal with. It's been a rough eight months since I got him on a personal level, and I often felt like I couldn't cope with the amount of additional work Gus embodied. It doesn't help that my cats presented such a contrast - my cats are unusual because they're very well bonded with each other and with me, they're quite obedience to commands (in, out, on, off, up, get down, stop hanging off my flyscreens like a monkey, stop licking the butter you horrible creature, so on). My cats are also quite intuitive to my mood - they provide cuddles and comfort if I'm low, and mischief and play if I'm in a good mood. For months, Gus's only input into those scenarios was to come barelling through demonstrating precisely the opposite emotion. He'd be boisterous when I was exhausted and chilling with the cats, and when I was in a good mood and they were playing he'd become anxious and clingy.

Now though it's markedly different - he chills when we chill so we all chill together, he plays when we play, if the cats are boisterous and he's not in the mood he just sleeps at my feet, if they're chilling and he's feeling playful he'll indicate without being a total pest and he and I will head out for a game so it's all good.

Like most others here though, he's wanted for nothing - best food, best meds, best bed, doing all the training and caring by the book. In fact, I'm glad there is "a book" as it were, because I can't imagine what direction our relationship would have gone in if I didn't have access to all the information and services that are out there for me. If something isn't working I can just go to the internet and get advice and options. It's helped me solve everything to date. If I didn't have that, perhaps he'd be one of those dogs tethered in the back yard 24x7? I don't think I'd ever do it to him, but it's given me an insight into possibly how those tethered backyard dogs end up with the life they do - no connection and no work must only result in no improvement and no life.

[Leelaa17]

Perhaps you are just expecting too much?

Try and relax and just enjoy him as your dog, stick to basics and concentrate on caring for him.

Keep positive and even if you dont have a bond, then still focus on the good things.

I'm sure it will improve- it's only been a few months.

I completely agree. Just relax and enjoy him - try to find the good things that he does. How does he look when he plays, what specific characteristics does he have that you have never seen - try not to (and I am not saying that you do) but try not to find faults... even though every dog has faults... try to look at the funny and cute things he does.

I didnt connect with my younger GSD completely until she was outside at 4 months. I loved her dearly but she put a lot of strain opn my lifestyle and it was quite hard to deal with. Now.... I couldnt love anything more than both her and my boy max.

It's different with each dog. Try opening up to your dog a little bit. Try to break the routine you have and just try to have some fun with him.. I know you play etc but it seems to me that you are very much routine and not enough spontaneous.

:D

[dandybrush]

It's interesting to read these comments. A few of my Brothers' dogs I do not have much communication/connection with ... but they are HIS, so that's ok Some dogs I have had around me, though, the connection is so strong it is felt as a physical thing!

I feel exactly the same with my razzle dazzle :D i feel like we are so bonded we can almost know each others thoughts weird as that might sound

I hope to form a very close bond with the new addition willow, i have only had her 2 weeks and she is already growing on me

[dandybrush]

I also second some trick training, it doesn't need to be so precise and it helps you to laugh, which inturn helps the feeling with both of you. Good luck

you know i think "trick" training is what bonded me and raz even more...cause i would laugh and smile and have fun, like pple have mentioned on here, and he would look up with his goofy grin and just keep trying to please, I love him to bits, i cant wait for willow to reach the "trick" training stage :D it sure is a fun time

[kyliegirl]

thanks for all the heaps of help and info, it does bother me that we haven't connected yet, I really want to, I want to bond with him and be best friends, but it just hasn't worked like that yet. I might have high expectations, I do currently do the nilif program with Echo and a few small tricks, as I said he is slow so I havent tried to rush it, trying to work at the pace he is going.

[poochmad]

I too understand. I don't have that problem with the dogs I have now, but I have definitely had it when I was younger. I had a Basenji when I was a teenager and we just didn't click at all. Unfortunately (or fortunately, whichever way you look at it), she was rehomed. At that time in my life I needed a dog that was a cuddler as I was going through some terrible things and I needed that support.

It's great that you are sticking at it. He looks like a beautiful Dobe in your signature block (or whatever it's called).