Grief, What Do You Say

[Kirislin]

There's a woman on another forum I am on who's just written of her grief upon loosing her whippet and it is so so deep and terrible she cannot function normally, I just dont know what to say, I found myself just clearing out of the thread, running away. Part of me dreads that I too might feel that terrible if I should loose my animals, and it also reminds me of a time I think I was close, the death of my first whippet Magic. I cannot offer her any words of comfort, I just find myself thinking I hope I never get so low. I dont know if I am allowed to quote what she has written.

[poodlefan]

I just say that I'm thinking of them at such a difficult time and how sorry I am for their loss.

A show acquaintance of mine recently lost a treasured RR to bloat. I just hugged her and we both burst into tears..

Some fall much lower than others before they recover. But we all know that dogs live far shorter lives then we do unfortunately - you have to know its going to happen.

[tlc]

I really struggle with what to say with this kind of thing, I usually just say similar to what PF said. It is much harder to face in real life. I can't even imagine how I am going to feel when mine go to god, too hard to even bare thinking about!

A guy at work the other day well meaning (I think) told he he was very worried that I am too attached to my dogs and Iwhat will I be like if something happens to them. I wasnt sure how to take his comments.

[JulesP]

I guess everyone needs different comfort. I prefer people to distract me with talk about different things. I really don't like talking about things like that to people.

[mumof3]

I've been a very active part of a grief based message board for a couple of years (a few years ago now though).

Personally, I think the brief I'm sorry for your loss etc as per PF's post is about the right way to go. Everyone needs different things when they are grieving. No one's grief process should be up for judgement. There is no right or wrong way to feel, or to process grief, and no right or wrong comforters. If you are close to a person you may know them well enough to give more than that, but for people you don't know, I'd keep it brief, unless you have a parrallel experience. If you have had a loss with some similarlities (needn't be the same species, we are talking about the emotional similarities), it can be helpful to share stories. Be careful though, not to cause offence by making a comparison that may hurt the grieving person. Some example of well meaning comments that really don't help are:

Sorry to hear you lost the baby - at least you can try again.

Sorry to hear your dog died - but he was old and everything dies.

Sorry to hear your Dad died - at least he won't be nagging you about finding a husband.

All these statements seem to suggest that the grieving person should not be feeling the way they are feeling. They have every right, and infact a physiological need to feel what they are feeling.

Some better statements:

Sorry to hear you lost the baby - that should never happen to anyone.

Sorry to hear your dog died - he was a great dog.

Sorry to hear your Dad died. (there is nothing wrong with leaving it at that).

Lastly, I wonder if the poster that the OP was talking about is someone who has been on this board over the last few days? There was someone here who was having a very difficult time with grief over losing a dog.

People who are grieving need to feel loved and supported, not challenged. They can also be very sensitive, so do be very sensitive yourself about how you phrase things and what you say.

[SkySoaringMagpie]

It depends a bit on what I know of their spiritual beliefs.

Sometimes I will say something about how hard it is to lose an old friend and companion.

Sometimes I will comfort them on their decision if it was a line ball call about if or when and I know they are feeling torn about that.

There are some nice poems that work for some people, including some that run on a theme that your companion is still with you, but in a different way now. The Rainbow bridge forum has them. There are also some poems that talk specifically about the pain of losing an animal as well, they might be more comforting to someone really hurting. Like this one:

We who choose to surround ourselves with lives even more temporary than our own, live within a fragile circle, easily and often breached.

Unable to accept its awful gaps, we still would live no other way.

We cherish memory as the only certain immortality,

never fully understanding the necessary plan."

Irving Townsend

There are grief counsellors that specialise in this kind of situation, some also combine an element animal communication which works for some people and not for others. Here's an example: http://user.digisurf.com.au/soulcompanions/hospice.html

If I thought the person was really not functioning, I would suggest grief counselling.

Things not to do - talk about yourself and your own dogs, dog people are terrible at this but it's one time to listen, rather than talk.

[poodlefan]

Things not to do - talk about yourself and your own dogs, dog people are terrible at this but it's one time to listen, rather than talk.

It's a time for empathy, not coping advice too. We all cope differently.

[Bullbreedlover]

I have seen many many furkids cross over the rainbow bridge and it never ever gets any easier.

I am a very emotional person and I find when my furkids leave me, its like a part of my heart has just died. And I can imagine what this person is going through. Offer your condolences as much as you feel necessary. I know it may only seem like words but I am sure they will be received with grateful thanks. Words are very comforting and everyone grieves so differently. We have an old girl here with us and I know when she does go we are going to be devastated because she is such a huge part of our lives.

The fact that we live longer than our furkids means we have to realise that we will see them go far too sooner than what we want.

[W Sibs]

I'm really bad at those situation. I just don't say anything, but sit there with them till they are ready to talk.

[Kaz]

Just say how sorry you are for their loss.

It can be a crushing blow and I have been through it several times.

However when the grief is so all consuming that you no longer function properly, I believe that there is some other deep and profound problem, possibly psychological.

Grief counselling or a trip to the psychologist sounds what this lady needs.

Not so easy to tell her though

[whippets]

I remember ages ago a prominent Newf breeder had to be hospitalised when one of her beloved landseers died. Pretty sure she is still around.

[corrie]

I have personally found grief to be all consuming and I think in the initial stage of the loss of a loved one it is not so abnormal to not be able to function normally.

I think it is when people can't move from that same level of grief after the passing of time that there is probably a deeper issue

I agree with what Skysoaringmagpie wrote. That poem is beautiful.

[Cody]

Have you suggested grief counselling to her?

[Loving my Oldies]

Things not to do - talk about yourself and your own dogs, dog people are terrible at this but it's one time to listen, rather than talk.

I'm still gritting my teeth about a so called friend who did this with me a couple of years ago. She didn't talk about her dog so much but rather what a wonderful fun afternoon she'd had and when she'd been her about an hour, she suddenly switched tack, put on her sad face and asked how was I doing. I said, "Not too well." She said, "Do you want to talk about it?" Me, "No."

While staying away from the sorts of things not to say such as those mumof3 has listed, the main thing is to acknowledge the loss. You can't feel the way the person does, they know that and wouldn't expect it. But the person needs to have their loss acknowledged and the existence of whoever it is they have lost affirmed and eventually when the loss is not so raw, celebrated.

When my first little dog died at 3 1/2, I couldn't talk about her for a year without the tears welling. I used to wonder how I could have lost something so precious to me. Several months after her death I went to a party and there was a man there who had been friendly with my neighbour and had met me and the dogs and he mentioned Calypso. I was delighted that he remembered her and we just reminisced.

[Mrs Rusty Bucket]

Kirislin

It's usually not ok to copy something from another forum without permission from the forum owner, and ideally from the poster that wrote it. Copyright and all that. If it was my post I'd think it was rude but then again - never post anything on the net you wouldn't be happy to see on the front page news.

As for what to post. Sometimes I don't post. Especially if I didn't know that person at all - hadn't read many of their posts etc. Otherwise if I do know them - the right thing to say just kind of writes itself. You don't want them to feel like a leper but you do want them to know you're there for them to say what they need to say, and feel what they need to feel.

As far as not-functioning goes - what the others say - it's normal for a while. If she's close to you, you could take food that's easy to reheat and eat (casseroles) or high seratonin (dark chocolate, high fat and sugary), and something for the dogs to eat. Some people don't eat at all when they're grieving and some eat heaps and most have loads of guests to feed (if its an immediate family member who died) and they don't want to be shopping so helping out there can be practical.

Don't say anything you don't mean sincerely. And don't expect them to tell you what you can do to help them. Mostly they have no clue and don't want to think about that. Just make your best guess from what they tell you.

I often say I hope the person can make a great home for a new deserving dog, when they're ready. There are so many homeless dogs out there. It does depend on what I know about them though.

[Tara and Sam]

I lost my male dog Sam just over a week ago

the day before I had news of mum having breat cancer

I havent been back to Rainbow Bridge thread at the moment , as it hurts like heck still

for me personally that fact that people have said Sorry to hear off your loss or similar does help , knowing that at least other people do care and feel your loss

I had a friend who tried three times to find the right words but just couldnt , but the fact he said that also I understood how he felt

it is hard to find the right words

with my emotions / grief going between mum and Sam at the moment

what I found helped me was to make a video tribute to Sam ( in signature )

I have cried heaps and had my laughs at his antics over the years

that seems to have helped me a little bit

I am haveing trouble functioning normally , but allow myself the time to have that cry

[mumof3]

I lost my male dog Sam just over a week ago

the day before I had news of mum having breat cancer

I havent been back to Rainbow Bridge thread at the moment , as it hurts like heck still

for me personally that fact that people have said Sorry to hear off your loss or similar does help , knowing that at least other people do care and feel your loss

I had a friend who tried three times to find the right words but just couldnt , but the fact he said that also I understood how he felt

it is hard to find the right words

with my emotions / grief going between mum and Sam at the moment

what I found helped me was to make a video tribute to Sam ( in signature )

I have cried heaps and had my laughs at his antics over the years

that seems to have helped me a little bit

I am haveing trouble functioning normally , but allow myself the time to have that cry

Dear Tara,

It almost seems trite now, to say, "Sorry for your loss", but I am. I'm sorry to hear that you are grieving the loss of a very much loved Sam. And you've been hit with such a terrible double whammy, with your Mum's diagnosis. It sounds like you are well surrounded by people who love you, and who are supporting you. Lean on them.

Wishing both your Mum and yourself strength and peace at a difficult time, and hoping that the day will come soon when you are able to look back with much more joy than heartache. It sounds to me like you are very strong and well balanced person, who is going to be a very valuable support to her Mum as she recovers from her illness.

[MissMolly]

There's a woman on another forum I am on who's just written of her grief upon loosing her whippet and it is so so deep and terrible she cannot function normally, I just dont know what to say, I found myself just clearing out of the thread, running away. Part of me dreads that I too might feel that terrible if I should loose my animals, and it also reminds me of a time I think I was close, the death of my first whippet Magic. I cannot offer her any words of comfort, I just find myself thinking I hope I never get so low. I dont know if I am allowed to quote what she has written.

Edited...

Edited December 20, 2010 by MissMolly

[percyk]

i think that if it is on a dogs forum then youre pretty safe to express what is in your heart

not all dog owners respond equally to the death of their pet

but im thinking that most of us on a dog forum would

most of us have been through the devastation ourselves

most of us know the numbing bewildering grief

and that feeling of isolation

so to reach out with words is all we can do sometimes here in cyberspace

i think it would help immensely to come in here and note that strangers have bothered to respond to our pain

personally i dont do it....dont really know why

i have lost a dog and not posted about it

but i talked to people about it at work and that helped

i dont think you can go wrong if you write from the heart

we are united by our love for our dogs and other animals...if youre touched by a situation the words usually come easily....and for those who cant find the words...emoticons come to the rescue

[percyk]

double post oopsy

Edited December 23, 2010 by percyk