Dogs And Relationship Break Ups

[Teal]

Hi there,

Well I am currently looking at the probable break up of my almost nine year relationship.

This would all be well and good if we didn't own a house and dogs together. God knows what is going to happen regarding the house (i think we will probably continue to live together untill it is in a sellable condition) but assuming at some point we will live separately, I don't know what will happen with our dogs.

We have two boxers, one male 20 months, one female 10 months. Logically you would think that we would have one each (and there wouldn't be any question of which one we each had) but the dogs are absolutely devoted to each other. The older one was by himself for almost a year and while he was ok, he is much much happier now he has his little buddy, particularly as both my OH and I work full time so the dogs are home alone the majority of the day. The younger has obviously never lived alone. I really think these dogs would suffer if separated, the times one of them has had to go to the vet and the other is left home alone, the one left behind will search the house repeatedly for the missing dog and just be so sad that they can't find them.

After getting my second dog I said I wouldn't have a dog by itself again. I don't want to do that to my babies! BUT I don't know what other option we have. If I were to move out I would be moving to a townhouse with a small backyard (but would use thedouble garage as doggy play area too) which I think would be a stretch to put two active dogs in there, and they are very active with chasing each other around. I have no idea where my OH would live, And my OH really loves the dogs, but in particular the older male. I think he would be devastated to lose him, and i don't want to do that to him - I'm not out to hurt him for no reason. Legally the dogs are mine, I paid for them, they are registered in my name and microchip in my name - but that was just the way it happened at the time (as I was the one to organise EVERYTHING or nothing would ever get done)

I also am concerned that while I can't question that my OH loves the dogs and most definitely wants them in his life, he also doesn't have much to do with their actual care. I buy and organise their food - he will feed them if I ask him to though - keep track of their healthcare, vaccinations, flea/worming treatments, as well as walk them. He will come with me if we take them to the beach on the weekend but aside from that, I would say he has probably walked them less than 10 times. I also buy all their toys etc., and on the occaision the younger dog was sick, he was reluctant for me to take her to the vet because of the cost. I ended up taking her and paying for it myself as I knew there was something wrong with her (which there was) I also paid for all their vaccinations and when each of them was sterilized. Their food is bought out of our joint account which we have for groceries etc, so that is shared. He does a lot more 'play' time with them, throwing the ball etc than I do.

I know that I am the one who really takes care of them, because I like to, I haven't really given my OH a chance to - because I think that he won't do it as well as I do. I don't know what to do - any advice?

[Max#1]

I don't have any advice - but feel for you in that situation. I really hope it turns out for the best for everyone.

[Christina]

This is something that you will just have to work out. Others will have varying opinions.

Wait until you both know where you are going to be living when you do split properly & assess it then.

Only you really know if OH would care for them properly when you are not around to do it all for him :D

Sounds like you are going to be fair & do what is best for the dogs too. Hard situation.

[OSoSwift]

Sorry for your situation.

Have you talked to him about it at all??

While he would miss the make he may be of the opinion that he wouldn't have the time/inclination, or he may say he hasn't done it because he hasn't had the chance or needed to but would like to.

While the dogs would be sad initially I am sure they would get used to being seperated in time and if neither of you can bear to have no dogs them seperating them would probably be the solution.

I hope you can both work through it and come up with a solution you are both happy to agree on.

[jazawayaya]

I am not sure what you should do but I know I would never give up either of my dogs ever- even to my OH if we broke up.

I make it clear while we are together they are our dogs but if we ever broke up they would be mine. Because they are mine. I am the one that wanted them and pushed for them and organised everything for them. At first he had nothing to do with them but have since warmed to them and now comes on every walk and wants to take them to the vet every time something is not quite right!

Is it possible to have some sort of shared living arrangment? Like he can have every other weekend or something?

[Bundyburger]

Big hugs.. it's really a personal decision. Circumstances vary, love and devotion to the animals vary... it just depends.

If OH and I ever split, then we'd split the dogs. Diesel is his brothers in name, but he is 'our' dog as he lives with us and always will as he can't live with OH's brother... Bundy was bought for OH really... but he is mine in heart and soul and I couldn't leave him behind, and OH knows this and would never ask me to. If I couldn't take him then he would stay, but it would shatter my heart into a thousand pieces and I'd probably come and get him when I could. OH cares about them as much as I do, they are everything to us.

Edited December 13, 2010 by Bundy's Mum

[W Sibs]

:D it is a personal decision.

i was in the same situation years back. i left the house and the dogs. i just wanted out. where i was going, i couldn't take the dogs, just because i was moving to an apartment and i had 2 grown huskies and i couldn't separate the 2. hardest decision i had to do was to leave the dogs, but it was all for the best.

Edited December 14, 2010 by CW EW

[silentchild]

Sorry to hear about your situation.

Whose names are the dogs registered under? If me and my OH broke up, he would probably get the dog because she is registered with the council under his name, and also because he was the one who bought her originally, despite the fact that I pay for all her vet bills, food, daily care etc. So legally I would assume that she is his dog and he would have full right to her.

I agree with the other posters that it might be a good idea to discuss this over and I hope you can come to a solution that works best for the both of you. All the best.

[cassie]

I was in this exact same position earlier in the year. I moved out of our house, he kept the dogs and the house, and we agreed to sort the dogs' living situation out down the track. In the meantime I was still visiting them every day. Now I have a new partner and Zephyr lives with him, while the ex kept Hudson. I truly did not want to split them up either BUT my ex turned into an absolute bastard and I needed to cut all ties with him. Hopefully this doesn't happen in your situation.

Big hugs and my thoughts are with you, it's such a difficult time :D Please PM me if you'd like to talk more.

[cassie]

I meant to add, I was really worried about splitting them but they've both been fine. Zephyr lives with my partner's housemate's dog now so still has company, and the ex has plans to get a new pup for Hudson. Yours may be very attached to each other yes, but I believe dogs are resilient (others will disagree) and singledom doesn't have to last forever :D

[Bjelkier]

If my OH and I ever broke up it would come down to who had the better place for the dogs.

Chances are though the Samoyeds would come with me and he would take the Lab.

[Dog_Horse_Girl]

I've just separated from my husband of 15 yrs...his decision. We have three dogs. One was always his dog (Ruby), one was more his than mine (Lilly) and one which was always mine (Molly). Initially I was going to move into a cheaper rental (we were renting and had literally moved in three weeks earlier) and he was going to keep Ruby and Lilly and get a house-mate in to share. I couldn't find a rental which I could afford that would take a dog so we ended up staying in the house a few months longer. Long story short, a few months down the track and I've moved away from Brisbane into a cheaper rental, he's moved into a cheaper rental in the Brisbane area, I've kept all three dogs.

He didn't want the responsibility. He didn't want the work-load. He didn't want the expense (although for now we are still sharing medication costs). I was totally and utterly gob-smacked that he didn't want Ruby. I never saw that coming.

But he (and I, as it happens) believe the dogs are better off together and they're doing well since the move. They seem to have stopped looking for him, but whenever they hear a certain car in the street they think it's him and get up to go to the front door.

He was away a lot when we lived together as part of his job. I think the dogs may think he's just away.

I have learnt there is no one right answer in this situation. We figure it out as we go along.

Hugs to you, it's a really shitty situation. I'm told it gets easier though. :D

[Nahla + Teddy's Mum]

So sorry to hear about the situation you have found yourself in :D

If this ever happened to me I would keep both dogs. I could not live without them now so the thought of them being taken away from me is devastating to say the least. I, like you do EVERYTHING for them but there is not doubt in my mind that my OH loves them to death just as much as me. I also wouldnt seperate them because this happened to a friend of mine and her dog was never the same. Not saying it would happen to you but the dogs personality changed and she was what you would call "depressed" and just has never bounced back to her old self. But then again I've had another friend who seperated his dogs and he got another so the dog wasnt without a buddy and the dog was perfectly happy.

Maybe you could take both dogs and your ex could come visit them after work/on weekends? He may find the pressure of taking care of 2 dogs full time to be a bit much to handle if he hasnt contributed a lot in the past? I went away for 4 days with work and OH was sooo glad to have me back just to take care of the dogs!! He realises its not as easy as it sounds!

I hope everything works out for the best for you and your doggies!

[kiesha09]

When I was in this same situation I made it very clear that I was 1) Not seperating them and 2) Not giving them up. My ex OH was pretty accepting of this really because he didn't want them seperated either and deep down he knew that I did all the walking, paid for all the food and medical expenses, did the training, did the pooper scooping and in general basically did everything for them.

Have you spoken to him about what he thinks?

[JulesP]

Sounds like the dogs are yours Teal :D

I kept all the pets. It wasn't really an issue but I did make sure that everything went nicely so that it didn't become an issue. ie I didn't kick up about anything else he wanted from the house.

[corvus]

OH and I have talked about this before. We have never come up with a plan. Our boys are also best of friends and splitting them up seems like it would be very hard on them. But having one of us suddenly out of their lives would also be very hard on them. The only consensus we have reached is we hope to hell it will never happen.

Sorry can't be of more help.

[rastus_froggy]

My OH and I don't have any dogs together, I have 2 and he has 1 - all pre getting together dogs. One of mine loves his dog SO much more than she loves my other dog (litte Stimpy has a thing for boy dogs ) , but if we were ever to split we would keep our own dogs.

I think you need to firstly talk to your OH and then wait and see how the accommodation situations pan out.

Hugs to you.

[whiskedaway]

OH and I have talked about this before. We have never come up with a plan. Our boys are also best of friends and splitting them up seems like it would be very hard on them. But having one of us suddenly out of their lives would also be very hard on them. The only consensus we have reached is we hope to hell it will never happen.

Sorry can't be of more help.

We're the same. We haven't come up with a plan, and all either of us say is that really hope it never comes to that, but I'd probably have to let Akira go if it came to that. She is much more bonded to my OH than she is to me. At this point in time (not knowing how she is going to grow up) Halo would come with me because while she is both of ours, we got her for me to show. If she was more bonded to OH, I'd probably have to let both of them go. We'd do what is best for our dogs.

[Tapferhund]

Hi there,

Well I am currently looking at the probable break up of my almost nine year relationship.

This would all be well and good if we didn't own a house and dogs together. God knows what is going to happen regarding the house (i think we will probably continue to live together untill it is in a sellable condition) but assuming at some point we will live separately, I don't know what will happen with our dogs.

We have two boxers, one male 20 months, one female 10 months. Logically you would think that we would have one each (and there wouldn't be any question of which one we each had) but the dogs are absolutely devoted to each other. The older one was by himself for almost a year and while he was ok, he is much much happier now he has his little buddy, particularly as both my OH and I work full time so the dogs are home alone the majority of the day. The younger has obviously never lived alone. I really think these dogs would suffer if separated, the times one of them has had to go to the vet and the other is left home alone, the one left behind will search the house repeatedly for the missing dog and just be so sad that they can't find them.

After getting my second dog I said I wouldn't have a dog by itself again. I don't want to do that to my babies! BUT I don't know what other option we have. If I were to move out I would be moving to a townhouse with a small backyard (but would use thedouble garage as doggy play area too) which I think would be a stretch to put two active dogs in there, and they are very active with chasing each other around. I have no idea where my OH would live, And my OH really loves the dogs, but in particular the older male. I think he would be devastated to lose him, and i don't want to do that to him - I'm not out to hurt him for no reason. Legally the dogs are mine, I paid for them, they are registered in my name and microchip in my name - but that was just the way it happened at the time (as I was the one to organise EVERYTHING or nothing would ever get done)

I also am concerned that while I can't question that my OH loves the dogs and most definitely wants them in his life, he also doesn't have much to do with their actual care. I buy and organise their food - he will feed them if I ask him to though - keep track of their healthcare, vaccinations, flea/worming treatments, as well as walk them. He will come with me if we take them to the beach on the weekend but aside from that, I would say he has probably walked them less than 10 times. I also buy all their toys etc., and on the occaision the younger dog was sick, he was reluctant for me to take her to the vet because of the cost. I ended up taking her and paying for it myself as I knew there was something wrong with her (which there was) I also paid for all their vaccinations and when each of them was sterilized. Their food is bought out of our joint account which we have for groceries etc, so that is shared. He does a lot more 'play' time with them, throwing the ball etc than I do.

I know that I am the one who really takes care of them, because I like to, I haven't really given my OH a chance to - because I think that he won't do it as well as I do. I don't know what to do - any advice?

I feel for you in your sad situation . All I can say is over the years I have had a few friends that have been in your situation and any pets were far better of with the wife. Nothing against men, but in most cases its the women who are far more responsible towards looking after the animals needs.......just as they are with children after a family break up.

Perhaps you could talk to your OH and tell him you will take the dogs and that he can come and see them any time he wants. If you part as friends and not enemies he should be happy with this arrangement.

Good luck with it all...I hope things work out for both of you and the dogs.

[bianca.a]

I am sorry you are in this situation. Somebody else mentioned it, but if it is an amicable split, and you can keep both dogs perhaps he could have visitation rights and perhaps take them out to the beach etc sometimes? I was in the same place you are about 7 years ago, we sold the house and I bought a crappy place so I could have both the dogs and the cats. My ex used to come and see his 'kids' sometimes.

I hope you can work this out as I'm sure it is stressful enough without this worry :D