Grieving

[~Shepherd~]

Poor kids

I know what it is like. I took my girls to a few dog shows, they are a lot yonger than yours but it got them excited again. Best of luck with it, I really feel for you. COuld you get to a flyball competion, kids love to watch things like that, or agility? I know quite a few rescue / adopted older dogs that do sports. Maybe you could visit a shelter with them? Might lift their spirits a little.

Thank you I appriciate these ideas as I didn't even think of all the fun stuff like flyball competions even if it's just for them to watch.

I have planned to go to a dog show in October just to have a look in the hope that the children will get excited and perhaps will have a new focus. I will look into flyball or agility.

Do you have the flyball contacts for your state? My kids think its the coolest thing ever and we havent even started yet!

[Fleuri]

Too soon to get a new dog, they have not got over losing this one & your dog may well turn up yet.

Children don't get over things quickly. Depends on the children. I can remember the day my frog died 50 years ago

Making every effort to find your dog, rewards, posters etc & getting them involved may make them feel they are doing something & less helpless. Saying prayers for the dog & help, if they are this way inclined. Let them talk about it as much as they want , years ago silence was the rule for tragic & upsetting things & that made it all worse inside bottled up.

Time heals & makes the pain less but it can't be hurried. Up to the individual.

I hope by some miracle your dog is found or turns up, it can happen.

5 months is a long time for a kid. I dont think you can put time frames on grief. I think what I was trying to say was get the kids around dogs that are here and now, do something fun and exciting and get the of enjoyment of dogs back again in real life, not just on a screen or paper.

Getting back in to life is a great way to move forward, and having a family day out in the fresh air, having some lunch and watching dogs do something fun and exciting is great tonic.

When she went missing in Feb we did it all, posters,flyers, calling vets,pounds,RSPCA, ad in local newspaper, Councils, and even Petsearch, I think we did it for 3 months then after that we have slowed down but I am always looking at pounds/shelters to see if she turns up.

I do let them talk about it I just find that they get upset when they do. I really thought that my children would get over it faster than me.

[Fleuri]

Hard to know what to say but I used this book with my kids when we had to have our young dog PTS - Saying Goodbye to Your Pet: Children Can Learn to Cope with Pet Loss by

Marge Heegaard

It might help.

I will look for this book. Thank you so much for this.

[noisymina]

I do let them talk about it I just find that they get upset when they do. I really thought that my children would get over it faster than me.

Might I suggest that they do need to talk it out even if they do get upset. Ask then to talk to you.

There could be more behind it in a child's eyes.

For example, it is quite possible that at least one of those kids thinks (or has wondered if) the same thing will happen to them one day - if they might be taken away or disappear also. Kids think like that sometimes.

[Fleuri]

It is a sad situation one we have been in ourselves , we had one of our dogs go missing 4 years ago when my youngest daughter was six , we never found her although I still check the pound websites hoping I might come across her and my youngest will still tell me sometimes that she misses her and wishes we still had her with us .

As we also had an older dog who does not do well without a doggy companion (wouldnt eat , bark play fretted and became unwell ) we went to the awl to pick up a new puppy, my youngest did not bond with her until almost a year and a half later although they now sleep together I would say that she was not ready to "replace "( her choice of words ) her little friend so soon.

The first death / removal of something that children love deeply who has shared their secrets , got into trouble with them for raiding the fridge and pantry , slept beside them to chase the nightmares is felt very deeply . Give them time before getting another dog they will want one. the other option is a different type of animal perhaps a cat or rabbit might help as well . their sadness is very real and to them it is just as bad a loosing a human family member , grief can be present for a long time

We have another dog he is our 8 1/2 year old mini schnauzer. He has also been sad but he seems better. We only had our other dog for almost 2 years before she went missing. This is way I thought that they will get over her very quickly but they haven't yet.

They were very young when we got our schnauzer my yougest wasn't even born. Our dog that went missing was like our baby in our family. Three years ago after a sad experiance we decided that we wouldn't have anymore children and one year later we got her as mainly "mummys dog" though the kids cared for her too.

You may be right about getting another dog. I just don't know if a rescue will be right ,I guess it will have to be the right one. my only concerned is about having problems with an adult dog that has bad habits. I have found my schnauzer and my lost yorky easy to toilet train as pups, might have helped that I don't work outside our home. I will have to discuss it with the children and hubby.

[Fleuri]

It is a sad situation one we have been in ourselves , we had one of our dogs go missing 4 years ago when my youngest daughter was six , we never found her although I still check the pound websites hoping I might come across her and my youngest will still tell me sometimes that she misses her and wishes we still had her with us .

As we also had an older dog who does not do well without a doggy companion (wouldnt eat , bark play fretted and became unwell ) we went to the awl to pick up a new puppy, my youngest did not bond with her until almost a year and a half later although they now sleep together I would say that she was not ready to "replace "( her choice of words ) her little friend so soon.

The first death / removal of something that children love deeply who has shared their secrets , got into trouble with them for raiding the fridge and pantry , slept beside them to chase the nightmares is felt very deeply . Give them time before getting another dog they will want one. the other option is a different type of animal perhaps a cat or rabbit might help as well . their sadness is very real and to them it is just as bad a loosing a human family member , grief can be present for a long time

Megan (quote)

I agree with darlingdog's suggestion. I'd make sure I went to an ethical rescue that where the dog had been living with a foster family first. I'd also ask them questions about what kind of support they will offer you.

I'd also tell the kids that no matter what, even if you had 100 dogs (!), if your old dogs come back you will ALWAYS welcome him back with open arms. That might help ease thir guilt.

I'd also like to add that you must have very caring children for them to be so concerned. You must be very proud.

We have another dog he is our 8 1/2 year old mini schnauzer. He has also been sad but he seems better. We only had our other dog for almost 2 years before she went missing. This is way I thought that they will get over her very quickly but they haven't yet.

They were very young when we got our schnauzer my yougest wasn't even born. Our dog that went missing was like our baby in our family. Three years ago after a sad experiance we decided that we wouldn't have anymore children and one year later we got her as mainly "mummys dog" though the kids cared for her too.

You may be right about getting another dog. I just don't know if a rescue will be right ,I guess it will have to be the right one. my only concerned is about having problems with an adult dog that has bad habits. I have found my schnauzer and my lost yorky easy to toilet train as pups, might have helped that I don't work outside our home. I will have to discuss it with the children and hubby.

Edited July 30, 2010 by Fleuri

[dee lee]

Oh Fleuri, that is so sad.

My daughters still cry about our last dog from time to time and its been almost a year since she "went to the farm" (I couldnt face letting them know she was being pts).

I find that as kids, their emotions are just so heightened and when they think about it, it seems overwhelming.

I was heartbroken too but I couldn't stand to be without a dog and 2 months later we adopted Honey. I think she has been hugely responsible for helping them grieve.

Personally, I would put more faith in their resilience as kids and if you want a dog, get one. It wont take long for them to enjoy a dog who is in the "here and now" and ease their grieving. They will always love their other dog but they will learn that they can love another.

I think Megan's advice is terrific too:

I'd also tell the kids that no matter what, even if you had 100 dogs (!), if your old dogs come back you will ALWAYS welcome him back with open arms. That might help ease thir guilt.

Good luck.

ETA: As for rescue dogs - our Honey was an adult rescue dog, I got her from a highly respected breed rescue organisation that was able to match her temperament with us.

They did a terrific job- she has been perfect.

Some dogs are in rescue through no fault of their own (my dog for example), however some do have issues.

With a bit of research and having a talk with different organisations you should be able to find a dog that suits you- that's if you do choose to go that route.

Edited July 30, 2010 by ✽deelee

[ellz]

I feel for you. I had a dog stolen from my property in May and not a day goes by that I don't think of her. My children are upset, but in the way of children, they'll probably get over it before I do.

In many ways, I wish I'd found her body, at least then I would have closure and not be wondering where she is and whether she is being treated well (or not).

I still have her brother thank goodness and he is my constant companion but it doesn't make me miss her any less. I will probably never truly get over her loss. And if I'm honest with myself, the whole dog scene is a lot less attractive without her...she was supposed to be my future.

[Fleuri]

I do let them talk about it I just find that they get upset when they do. I really thought that my children would get over it faster than me.

Might I suggest that they do need to talk it out even if they do get upset. Ask then to talk to you.

There could be more behind it in a child's eyes.

For example, it is quite possible that at least one of those kids thinks (or has wondered if) the same thing will happen to them one day - if they might be taken away or disappear also. Kids think like that sometimes.

Thank you, thinking about this. I think I will have ask more questions and enquire someone about what they are feeling ,thinking or fearing. I have done this but not enough I think. It's so good to be able to get other peoples ideas and opinions.

thank you for your time and thoughts.

[Fleuri]

Oh Fleuri, that is so sad.

My daughters still cry about our last dog from time to time and its been almost a year since she "went to the farm" (I couldnt face letting them know she was being pts).

I find that as kids, their emotions are just so heightened and when they think about it, it seems overwhelming.

I was heartbroken too but I couldn't stand to be without a dog and 2 months later we adopted Honey. I think she has been hugely responsible for helping them grieve.

Personally, I would put more faith in their resilience as kids and if you want a dog, get one. It wont take long for them to enjoy a dog who is in the "here and now" and ease their grieving. They will always love their other dog but they will learn that they can love another.

I think Megan's advice is terrific too:

I'd also tell the kids that no matter what, even if you had 100 dogs (!), if your old dogs come back you will ALWAYS welcome him back with open arms. That might help ease thir guilt.

Good luck.

: As for rescue dogs - our Honey was an adult rescue dog, I got her from a highly respected breed rescue organisation that was able to match her temperament with us.

They did a terrific job- she has been perfect.

Some dogs are in rescue through no fault of their own (my dog for example), however some do have issues.

With a bit of research and having a talk with different organisations you should be able to find a dog that suits you- that's if you do choose to go that route.

You are all so kind to respond with your experiences and suggestions I really appreciate it more than you will ever know.

Edited July 30, 2010 by Fleuri

[Fleuri]

I feel for you. I had a dog stolen from my property in May and not a day goes by that I don't think of her. My children are upset, but in the way of children, they'll probably get over it before I do.

In many ways, I wish I'd found her body, at least then I would have closure and not be wondering where she is and whether she is being treated well (or not).

I still have her brother thank goodness and he is my constant companion but it doesn't make me miss her any less. I will probably never truly get over her loss. And if I'm honest with myself, the whole dog scene is a lot less attractive without her...she was supposed to be my future.

I know exactley how you feel I also would have liked to know if she was dead. Some days I want to just go and find the right dog for our family and other days I feel like no I don't want to take that path yet.

[Erny]

When I was a child I used to grieve a lot, and for quite a while whenever I lost any of my numerous and varied pets. My Mum obviously felt helpless at my inconsolable and heart rendering sobbing - each and every time I lost a pet. One day, after having come home to find that Carrots, my pet rabbit, had escaped his hutch and paid a visit to the snail baited vegetable garden next door, and had subsequently passed, I was face burrowed on my bed, almost hysterical with grief. I think I was about 10 at the time.

Mum left me be for a while, but when I didn't cease, she came in to me. She sat on the side of my bed and put her hand on my back. And then she told me she wondered if I should have more pets, for the grief that overwhelms me each time they come to pass. She waited there a moment but when I didn't respond, she quietly left my room.

It was a sobering thought and is a moment in time I have never ever forgotten - I don't think she realised how much I actually heard her, that moment in time. It was then that the reality of the fact that in one way or another, tragic or not, our pets will pass before us and that grief is ok and is something we should permit ourselves, but not to the point that it is all consuming, actually sunk in.

Only you know your children well enough to know what the right thing is to say to help them. But I would say that my Mum's simple question strengthened my resolve to allow myself to grieve but to not let it completely overcome me. My Mum said what she said because she didn't know how to help me and she didn't want to see me suffer the way I did. I don't think she said it with any 'plan' or special psychological approach in mind. But it had a huge effect on me and I think for the better.

This doesn't mean I don't grieve any more. I do. It also doesn't mean I don't become very upset when I lose a pet. I do. But it has helped me to remember even while I am grieving, to remain in touch with reality.

Edited July 30, 2010 by Erny

[Fleuri]

Poor kids

I know what it is like. I took my girls to a few dog shows, they are a lot yonger than yours but it got them excited again. Best of luck with it, I really feel for you. COuld you get to a flyball competion, kids love to watch things like that, or agility? I know quite a few rescue / adopted older dogs that do sports. Maybe you could visit a shelter with them? Might lift their spirits a little.

Thank you I appriciate these ideas as I didn't even think of all the fun stuff like flyball competions even if it's just for them to watch.

I have planned to go to a dog show in October just to have a look in the hope that the children will get excited and perhaps will have a new focus. I will look into flyball or agility.

Do you have the flyball contacts for your state? My kids think its the coolest thing ever and we havent even started yet!

Hello Chewbacca, I don't know anything about flyball. I just assumed I'd have to call Dogs NSW ? if not, can you tell me who I need to contact? Thank you

[Fleuri]

I appreciate everyones kindness and I am touched by all of your experiences and suggestions. You have all given me so many things to consider when I felt like there wasn't much else I can do. I appreciate this more than what you will ever know, thank you again. Bless you and your beautiful fur friends.

[Kirty]

I am so sorry about your dog. I think its OK for the kids to hope that she might come back, because it is entirely possible.

I think a new dog would be a nice idea though. Perhaps you could adopt a rescue puppy - they do come up quite often in rescue. Perhaps take the kids along to meet some homeless dogs/puppies and explain that these dogs really need a home. Perhaps they could give a home to the puppy and if/when your other dog comes home, they can all be friends?

I rescue cats and recently rehomed a kitten that my kids really loved. They were really upset when he left for his new home. It has been about 4 months now, but my 6yo still talks about the kitten almost daily.

[Skruffy n Flea]

That is so sad

I think there grief might be prolonged because of the uncertainy.

Have you thought about having a kind of ceremony for her? Not a funeral ofcourse, but something that acknowledges what she meant to each of your kids.They could write or say how much they love her etc. Acknowledge that she may not come back, but say that you will keep looking for her, and that if she one day comes back that you will all be ready to welcome her back.

I just think that sometimes having a ceremony can help people to come to terms with things a bit better.

when i read this my heart believed this would be a way for your children's heart to heal --- it is such a perfect opportunity for each of you to write down what you loved about your missing dog and how much you hope to see her again and what games you will play when she comes home and especially how hard you will hug her and kiss her and tell her you and they will never let her go...

kind of like writing your beautiful dog a letter

maybe get them to seal their letter with a lipstick kiss!??!

then maybe talk to your kids about taking on a rescue --- but before you do, gently let the kids know how badly it needs a home and how sad and lonely it is without one! i don't intend for you to play the guilt card; just that you could teach your kids that there are other dogs out there that are lost just like yours is, and you hope that someone loving, just like your kids, is taking care of your missing dog!

let ypur kids know that rescue dogs are looking for their homes too and that there are other lost dogs that need a loving home cuz their life so far hasn't been so easy...

i haven't read the whole thread so someone has likely said the same or a similar thing to me --- if so, i just hope for you and your kids that you find the right thing to do...

[daisygirl]

We had one our our dogs stolen when she was 12 months old. Luckily we got her back about 3 months later but the pain of those three months was terrible so I certainly feel for you. This same dog passed away at the end of April aged 12 years but at least we had closure.

We have now adopted a six month old rescue dog. She is absolutely perfect in every way. We did foster a few different dogs last year and early this year in the view to maybe keeping one but each time we knew that a better home for that particular dog would be found. Now we have our princess and she had to be rescued through no fault of her own. She is toilet trained, obedient, loving and extremely cute and entertaining. I would suggest to give fostering a try as the emotional attachment is sometimes a bit less but if you find the right dog then you have an option of keeping it. A bit like a "try before you buy" idea.

[dogbesotted]

how sad! the sense of loss is certainly magnified because you dont know what has happened.

i do agree that perhaps fostering a dog in need, or even giving a loving home to a dog who has also been lost ( whilst explaining that this dog did not have a microchip so its family could not be found) may well be the way to go. also let the children know that there is always room in your home and in your hearts for your lost dog to come home to... that each dog is loved just like every person in the family is loved..

good luck

helen

[Fleuri]

We had one our our dogs stolen when she was 12 months old. Luckily we got her back about 3 months later but the pain of those three months was terrible so I certainly feel for you. This same dog passed away at the end of April aged 12 years but at least we had closure.

We have now adopted a six month old rescue dog. She is absolutely perfect in every way. We did foster a few different dogs last year and early this year in the view to maybe keeping one but each time we knew that a better home for that particular dog would be found. Now we have our princess and she had to be rescued through no fault of her own. She is toilet trained, obedient, loving and extremely cute and entertaining. I would suggest to give fostering a try as the emotional attachment is sometimes a bit less but if you find the right dog then you have an option of keeping it. A bit like a "try before you buy" idea.

I will have to look into what fostering is all about. Thank you for sharing your experience with me.

Edited July 31, 2010 by Fleuri

[ozjen]

I am so sorry you haven't found your dog it must be heartbreaking for you all. My boys were around the same age when the dog they had been brought up with passed away and they were devestated, they had learnt to stand holding on to the dog who was an angel with them. We all shed many tears, talked about the good times we had with him and made a tribute frame with photos of him to hang on the wall. 20 years later I still shed tears for him and my boys still get misty eyed when we talk about him or other dogs in our lives that have gone. While its not quiet the same for your kids as they don't have closure perhaps making up a tribute frame may help them with coping. Kids will always hang onto hope no matter how unlikely but it can stop them moving forward, so you may have to find away for them to get closure. Also remember that as much as it hurts us to see our kids hurting and crying it is all part of the healing process and I would be more concerned if no emotion was shown.

There is still a chance your dog may turn up as I know someone who lost their dog for about 15months in fairly inhospitable country and the dog was living wild but they got it back. Another case I know of where a friend of the owner visiting a shelter on another matter about 9 months or more after the dog disappeared recognised the dog and it was reunited with its owner. For the sake of the kids though you may have to look at your dog being gone for good so that they can move forward but I wouldn't try to replace it until they feel ready.