Grieving

[Fleuri]

I am writing this in the hope that I might get some ideas on how I can help my children. Ages 7 turning 8 soon, 10 & 12 year old boys.

My children are still grieving our missing/stolen dog, she went missing in Feb this year. I have told them we can try to get another fur friend, I’ve even showed them pictures of different breeds that we can choose from in the hope that they will get excited and focus on finding a new doggy but they said that they want to wait for their dog to come back. They think that because she has a microchip that she might still come back. I know this is possible and the truth is that I feel just as sad, only that it also tears me to see how deep their pain is and I just want to help them get over it.

The two youngest are almost in tears when she is brought up in conversation. This is another reason why I keep suggesting that we can look for another dog.

See I thought that children get over things every quickly, I am finding that this is not true with mine. Can anyone suggest how I can help them overcome their sadness? Or is it just too early still? Has anyone gone through this before? and if so how did you cope? What works best?

Thank you for your time.

Edited July 29, 2010 by Fleuri

[Ravyk]

Have a google for books about grieving for pets. There are a few out there based for children.

I can't think of any off the top of my head but someone else might know of them.

[harley]

I as sorry that your family is going through this. I could only imagine how distraught my daughter would be if our dogs went missing.

Have you sat down as a family and explained (age appropriately) what has happened. Have the children been allowed to cry and show their frustrations?

Have you put up flyers, made phone calls to show your children you are actively searching for your dog (did you do this in february)? They may find your suggestion of a new dog too soon.

Maybe there are some books you could borrow or buy that help explain the situation better.

Your children are obviously sensitive, caring children who care about their pet, which is a lovely quality. Unfortunately it comes with some heartache.

[noisymina]

Kids are like adults. They grieve and go through the stages of grief too. They also do it in their own time and deal with it according to their own schedule. You cannot hurry it along.

The problem with a disappearance is that there is no closure. Which makes it more difficult.

As they - and you - are aware, there is always the chance that the micochip will be a link to recovery some time.

Your children are not too young to be able to discuss this with you. You can approach it with them. Ask them what they want to do/not do. Keep the lines of communication open. Let them know how YOU feel too.

Let time pass and stay aware of how they are travelling - and one day the subject of a new dog will come up. Hopefully it will be their idea - and then you will know the time has come to move on.

[mumof3]

I'm sorry to hear about losing your pet, and that your children are grieving him/her so.

I think the idea of looking for a children's book about grieving for a pet is a good one. Such literature is sometimes available online.

Also, consider having the whole family see a family psychologist to go over this. Ask around and see if you can find anyone who can reccomend a good psychologist or family counsellor in your area. In my experience, psychologists are a bit like chiropractors, acupuncturists, massage therapists, bowen therapists - get a good one and they are worth their weight in gold, but there are a few ordinary ones around that are a waste of time.

Having been through some difficult grief myself, I understand that it is probably a mistake to attempt to distract your children from their grief with a new pet. It is important that the grieving process is allowed to take it's natural course, and this can be facilitated by a good counselor or psychologist.

All the very best.

[~Shepherd~]

Poor kids

I know what it is like. I took my girls to a few dog shows, they are a lot yonger than yours but it got them excited again. Best of luck with it, I really feel for you. COuld you get to a flyball competion, kids love to watch things like that, or agility? I know quite a few rescue / adopted older dogs that do sports. Maybe you could visit a shelter with them? Might lift their spirits a little.

Edited July 29, 2010 by Chewbacca

[Christina]

Too soon to get a new dog, they have not got over losing this one & your dog may well turn up yet.

Children don't get over things quickly. Depends on the children. I can remember the day my frog died 50 years ago

Making every effort to find your dog, rewards, posters etc & getting them involved may make them feel they are doing something & less helpless. Saying prayers for the dog & help, if they are this way inclined. Let them talk about it as much as they want , years ago silence was the rule for tragic & upsetting things & that made it all worse inside bottled up.

Time heals & makes the pain less but it can't be hurried. Up to the individual.

I hope by some miracle your dog is found or turns up, it can happen.

[~Shepherd~]

Too soon to get a new dog, they have not got over losing this one & your dog may well turn up yet.

Children don't get over things quickly. Depends on the children. I can remember the day my frog died 50 years ago

Making every effort to find your dog, rewards, posters etc & getting them involved may make them feel they are doing something & less helpless. Saying prayers for the dog & help, if they are this way inclined. Let them talk about it as much as they want , years ago silence was the rule for tragic & upsetting things & that made it all worse inside bottled up.

Time heals & makes the pain less but it can't be hurried. Up to the individual.

I hope by some miracle your dog is found or turns up, it can happen.

5 months is a long time for a kid. I dont think you can put time frames on grief. I think what I was trying to say was get the kids around dogs that are here and now, do something fun and exciting and get the of enjoyment of dogs back again in real life, not just on a screen or paper.

Getting back in to life is a great way to move forward, and having a family day out in the fresh air, having some lunch and watching dogs do something fun and exciting is great tonic.

[Sue & Waldo]

Hard to know what to say but I used this book with my kids when we had to have our young dog PTS - Saying Goodbye to Your Pet: Children Can Learn to Cope with Pet Loss by

Marge Heegaard

It might help.

[raineth]

That is so sad

I think there grief might be prolonged because of the uncertainy.

Have you thought about having a kind of ceremony for her? Not a funeral ofcourse, but something that acknowledges what she meant to each of your kids.They could write or say how much they love her etc. Acknowledge that she may not come back, but say that you will keep looking for her, and that if she one day comes back that you will all be ready to welcome her back.

I just think that sometimes having a ceremony can help people to come to terms with things a bit better.

[poodlefan]

Bless your kids for caring so much about their pet.

Perhaps they need to talk about how getting a new pet would not be "disloyal" or giving up on a chance of finding your missing girl.

Time for a talk maybe?

[~Anne~]

Maybe you could do it another way.

With careful selection, you could foster a dog for an organisation, explaining to your children that you are helping a dog find it's new home. If the dog is the right dog, that home may be with you.

[Amika]

When I was a child our mini foxie went missing,(presumed stolen because of circumstances). As children we were always keeping a look out for her and to this day (in my 40's) I still wonder what happened to her. With the dog microchipped there is always that possibilty that the dog will turn up, a new pup/dog could help distract the boys from their loss and maybe you could explain that while you may get a new pup that if the missing dog is found it will still have a home with the new one and they would be companions. At least their is one positive here....at least your boys don't see animals as replaceable commodities, I think you can be proud of that.

[corvus]

When I was a kid my cat went missing. I was convinced for years that she was out there somewhere and would come home one day. I used to dream about her returning. She never did. I agree that you just have to let kids get through at their own pace.

[Monah]

so sad, poor doggie. Kids will grieve , very deeply and can do so even at a very young age. I started the process at 4 years of age, and have been devastated every single time, which is why I always have several pets. Losing the ONE, who you love so much, is awful

Seeing as I have had several pets at a time, my kids were always helped by the other pets when one passed. ie. talked to them, hugs, love etc.

A missing pet is as bad as it can get. I agree with everyone who said to have a talk about feelings of disloyalty etc., maybe hoe their lost pet would not want them to be so sad and understand them having another pet as that does not mean they love their dog any less. give them permission to grieve and affirmation. I think you are already doing this.

I may be right off track iin your case, but from my experience it does help to have another pet, one that needs a home etc. may be the answer to help with any 'guilt' feelings as they are helping save another dog.

They may be focussing so much on missing their dog who they love so much because there is not a distraction and this may mean the more this goes on, the worse it gets. THe kids sound very grown up, sometimes at that age it is better to take the reins and not discuss things so much, so they dont have such a lot of responsibility with the decision. IE. mum and dad want another dog, we all love our dog and want it to return and this wont change by having another dog. You could use them as an analogy like, well I love 'first child' and having 'second child' did not change that etc. or some other way. sorry, I havent had small children for a few years, although do work with them.

Such a difficult situation. get themn out meeting and greeting other dogs in all sorts of situations, maybe show, and yes doggy sports and rescue organisations. THey sound very empathetic and lovely so saving a dog (the right dog for you) may be very appealing, as long as they know that if their dog returns it would love to have a new friend and be happy that they are happy.

Personally, I think they will find it very hard to move on at all if they do not have someone to lavish all that love on.xxxx

[darlingdog]

I am writing this in the hope that I might get some ideas on how I can help my children. Ages 7 turning 8 soon, 10 & 12 year old boys.

My children are still grieving our missing/stolen dog, she went missing in Feb this year. I have told them we can try to get another fur friend, I’ve even showed them pictures of different breeds that we can choose from in the hope that they will get excited and focus on finding a new doggy but they said that they want to wait for their dog to come back. They think that because she has a microchip that she might still come back. I know this is possible and the truth is that I feel just as sad, only that it also tears me to see how deep their pain is and I just want to help them get over it.

The two youngest are almost in tears when she is brought up in conversation. This is another reason why I keep suggesting that we can look for another dog.

See I thought that children get over things every quickly, I am finding that this is not true with mine. Can anyone suggest how I can help them overcome their sadness? Or is it just too early still? Has anyone gone through this before? and if so how did you cope? What works best?

Thank you for your time.

As you say you have suggested another dog perhaps it would help them if you suggest a rescue dog ? Explain to them that the rescue dog would be feeling much like they do after losing their family and having no one in the world to look after them and love them. This might make the kids feel better and like they are doing something to help a dog feel better ? Also assure them that even though they get another dog that if the original dog is ever found that of course you will welcome it back and how lovely for it to have a doggy brother or sister there if you take in the rescue. Just one way of looking at things. All the best to your children.

[megan_]

I agree with darlingdog's suggestion. I'd make sure I went to an ethical rescue that where the dog had been living with a foster family first. I'd also ask them questions about what kind of support they will offer you.

I'd also tell the kids that no matter what, even if you had 100 dogs (!), if your old dogs come back you will ALWAYS welcome him back with open arms. That might help ease thir guilt.

I'd also like to add that you must have very caring children for them to be so concerned. You must be very proud.

[Jacquiboss&scoop]

It is a sad situation one we have been in ourselves , we had one of our dogs go missing 4 years ago when my youngest daughter was six , we never found her although I still check the pound websites hoping I might come across her and my youngest will still tell me sometimes that she misses her and wishes we still had her with us .

As we also had an older dog who does not do well without a doggy companion (wouldnt eat , bark play fretted and became unwell ) we went to the awl to pick up a new puppy, my youngest did not bond with her until almost a year and a half later although they now sleep together I would say that she was not ready to "replace "( her choice of words ) her little friend so soon.

The first death / removal of something that children love deeply who has shared their secrets , got into trouble with them for raiding the fridge and pantry , slept beside them to chase the nightmares is felt very deeply . Give them time before getting another dog they will want one. the other option is a different type of animal perhaps a cat or rabbit might help as well . their sadness is very real and to them it is just as bad a loosing a human family member , grief can be present for a long time

[Fleuri]

I'm sorry to hear about losing your pet, and that your children are grieving him/her so.

I think the idea of looking for a children's book about grieving for a pet is a good one. Such literature is sometimes available online.

Also, consider having the whole family see a family psychologist to go over this. Ask around and see if you can find anyone who can reccomend a good psychologist or family counsellor in your area. In my experience, psychologists are a bit like chiropractors, acupuncturists, massage therapists, bowen therapists - get a good one and they are worth their weight in gold, but there are a few ordinary ones around that are a waste of time.

Having been through some difficult grief myself, I understand that it is probably a mistake to attempt to distract your children from their grief with a new pet. It is important that the grieving process is allowed to take it's natural course, and this can be facilitated by a good counselor or psychologist.

All the very best.

I will definitely look for the books. I honestly didn't think of this, thank you. I realising more that a counselor may be helpful because I need to know how to approch this properly. I will have to look into it.

Thank you for your time.

[Fleuri]

Poor kids

I know what it is like. I took my girls to a few dog shows, they are a lot yonger than yours but it got them excited again. Best of luck with it, I really feel for you. COuld you get to a flyball competion, kids love to watch things like that, or agility? I know quite a few rescue / adopted older dogs that do sports. Maybe you could visit a shelter with them? Might lift their spirits a little.

Thank you I appriciate these ideas as I didn't even think of all the fun stuff like flyball competions even if it's just for them to watch.

I have planned to go to a dog show in October just to have a look in the hope that the children will get excited and perhaps will have a new focus. I will look into flyball or agility.