I Am So Angry, But What Can I Do Without Alienating My Daughter?

[mantis]

Mantis; can you sit your daughter down and say what you are feeling, and just ask her if you are seeing this wrong?

She can either say; no mum i'm fine

Or have a cry and a vent and tell you what's going on in her mind.

If you can't f*ck off the partner, perhaps you could just be there for your daughter.

You clearly care a lot about her. Thinking of you.

I don't want to go into details, but she got married at 19 against my advice & that ended tragically, I thibk that because of that tragedy, she is willing to be controlled. My Daughter knows I love her & will always be there for her, when she has had a bad argument with him & his parents, she comes & spends the night with me, Jerk doesn't like that at all, I'm guessing he still wishes I was back in Perth, so she has no where to run.

[Parkeyre]

Mantis; can you sit your daughter down and say what you are feeling, and just ask her if you are seeing this wrong?

She can either say; no mum i'm fine

Or have a cry and a vent and tell you what's going on in her mind.

If you can't f*ck off the partner, perhaps you could just be there for your daughter.

You clearly care a lot about her. Thinking of you.

I don't want to go into details, but she got married at 19 against my advice & that ended tragically, I thibk that because of that tragedy, she is willing to be controlled. My Daughter knows I love her & will always be there for her, when she has had a bad argument with him & his parents, she comes & spends the night with me, Jerk doesn't like that at all, I'm guessing he still wishes I was back in Perth, so she has no where to run.

I still think my suggestion might do some good.

hugs your way.

[mantis]

Latest update, I just found out that my daughter got the dogs vaccinated as the BYB didn't get them their 6 week old vaccinations, when I informed her that she has to keep a watch over them because of that & keep the pups away from outside contact for a week she was shocked, as the "breeder" never mentioned that to her.

Also, the male pup had a runny eye so she took him to the Vet, he said it must have got bitten by something & gave him anti-biotics, I am very concerned about the runny eye, doesn't sound good.

I am going to try & get the contact details of the BYB who lives in Buchan & report him to the local council, because I am hoping he is breaking regulations & he will get shut down.

[quickbrownfox]

Any updates mantis? I hope the little boy is doing OK I've read your thread and sending hugs your way

[mantis]

Any updates mantis? I hope the little boy is doing OK I've read your thread and sending hugs your way

Poor little bugger still has the problem. My daughter had to take him to a specialist last week, he said he has an immune problem & has given him more drugs, but said he should be OK in about two weeks. In the mean time, she has to drop him off at the Vets every morning before work, so he can be given his medication, that is costing her $30 a day. They have spent over a $1,000 on him already, but she won't give me the breeders details, so I can contact him, because it will upset her partner.

If anyone knows of a BYB in (buccan) not sure of the spelling, but it's near Bairnsdale, please let me know.

[voloclydes]

you obviously have no clue about buccan have you? (not in a rude way)

google it ..... its a one horse town that if you blink you miss it. about a dozen houses (not really sure as it has been over 20years and not a really memorable place)

i would guess less than 500 people. just googled wikapeadia says 326. i'm almost sure the post office is the shop servo and general store. the byb would have not had acess to a vet....i don't think the area even has one. nor would they have sold the pup for a huge amount. in the bush is the unsold ones would be disposed of.

[WreckitWhippet]

Maybe it's time to let this go. The dogs are cared for and if your daughter felt strongly enough, she'd have told her OH to take them back. You're starting to sound a little hysterical and obessed.

[chelle~aussie~dragon]

To worry about your child no matter their age...if thats obsessed then all parents are probably labelled as such.

As I only have a 7 year old daughter, not an adult I don't know how I would act in this case but having to support my parents at the moment through the death of both of their sons, I think there should be no end to what a parent would do to protect their child.My parents have to live with the fact that they think they should have done more.I would rather be labelled obsessive then live with that guilt.

I think honesty is always the best policy but tactful in the way you do it.If you are close to your daughter, she will probably want to talk about it but she probably feels an inner conflict that she is betraying him when she vents to you.My parents haven't always agreed with my decisions with my partner but they have always been there for me.I would just be careful in how you word things so there isn't a time where you have made a line in the sand and can't back over it.These two puppies are there now and she has bonded with them.I would think reporting the BYB is something that may alieniate you to daughter if she already wont give you the details.Is that worth doing the right thing?

Personally I would be nice as pie to the guy even if it kills you.Confuse the life out of him and how can he then biatch about you to daughter?

I presume I will have many sleepless nights in the years to come, at the end of the day, their your children, what can you do but love them and fingers crossed everything turns out alright.

Edited July 11, 2010 by chelle~aussie~dragon

[Genabee]

Alienating her family from you, is part of the greater plan.

A book called 'Men Who Hate Their Wives and the Women Who Love Them' may offer some insite. And when she is strong enough and ready, give it to her to read, in conjunction with a supportive therapist. She will need one, otherwise she will find herself in another relationship exactly the same.

It is a bit of an onion, with many layers. Each layer needs to be pulled back, one at a time. This kind of emotional abuse (which is what it is), is often seen by some as worse than physical abuse. There are no bruises to indicate something is going on. I bet all his friends and a lot of hers think he is the ducks nuts for buying her not one, but two puppies!!! They aren't aware of the sacrifices and compromises (perhaps of her own sense of self) that have gone on behind the scenes.

My thoughts are with you and your daughter. And the puppies.

[Gayle.]

It's called Buchan and it's famous for some beautiful underground limestone caves there.

[greytdog]

It's also a stone's throw from Bairnsdale, so there's access to vet.

[mantis]

It's called Buchan and it's famous for some beautiful underground limestone caves there.

Cheers, I think I actually went there a long time ago .

I am over my daughters partner, but I will not stop until I see this BYB shutdown.

Will goggle dog breeders in Buchan & see what I can find.

By the way, the puppies are cute, I went over there last weekend, the little buggers never stopped doing "zoomies" around the house, even Chesko with his Elizabethan collar on. :D

I got lots of cuddles, licks & bites from them. They are sweet as, but then all puppies are.

[mantis]

Maybe it's time to let this go. The dogs are cared for and if your daughter felt strongly enough, she'd have told her OH to take them back. You're starting to sound a little hysterical and obessed.

What?

I am uspet that there is a BYB out there, who is selling unvaccinated dogs. How would you feel, if you bought a puppy & a week later found out it has major health issues & after 3 weeks, you have spent nearly a $1,000 in Vets bills, with no recourse. :D

[all that glitters]

Maybe it's time to let this go. The dogs are cared for and if your daughter felt strongly enough, she'd have told her OH to take them back. You're starting to sound a little hysterical and obessed.

What?

I am uspet that there is a BYB out there, who is selling unvaccinated dogs. How would you feel, if you bought a puppy & a week later found out it has major health issues & after 3 weeks, you have spent nearly a $1,000 in Vets bills, with no recourse.

Yeah I'm not sure where the hysterical and obsessed bit fits in either :D There's always one weird post on every thread!

[mantis]

Maybe it's time to let this go. The dogs are cared for and if your daughter felt strongly enough, she'd have told her OH to take them back. You're starting to sound a little hysterical and obessed.

What?

I am uspet that there is a BYB out there, who is selling unvaccinated dogs. How would you feel, if you bought a puppy & a week later found out it has major health issues & after 3 weeks, you have spent nearly a $1,000 in Vets bills, with no recourse.

Yeah I'm not sure where the hysterical and obsessed bit fits in either :D There's always one weird post on every thread!

Thankypu, I was wondering what I had done wrong. I really want to stop the person who is breeding & selling these dogs. It's a disgrace that these people still are operating & nothing is being done about closing them down.

Maybe if the authorities, stopped wasting their time on BSL, they might be able to stamp out BYB's & Pet Shops selling pups.

[Zhou Xuanyao]

He wanted a JRT, she wanted what she wanted, so he goes and gets 2 JRT's ? :D

He does sound like a jerk who does not respect your daughter, any wonder you dont like him.

As for him being scared, well thats bad luck. I am not a relationship expert, but what I do know is that we have to make sacrifices sometimes. He needs to return one of the dogs, and get "unscared" because getting a large dog is important to his girlfriend and it is not an unreasonable request. His 35 years old not 3.5.

However good points have been made regarding the bringing of a dog into a household with someone who doesn't like the dog or would be mean to the dog, so a genuine attitude change would be needed in any case.

[Shakti]

I was married to a very controlling man and I know that there are three important points to remember

1)Whenever any of my friends or family criticized his behaviour, I would immediately fly into a rage defending him. No matter how blatant his tactics were to an outsider, to me he always explained and justified his behaviour as being caused by or proof of his love for me. Nobody EVER managed to get me to see how controlling his behaviour was by criticizing him.

2) I needed to know that I would not be judged or condemned when I FINALLY did manage to leave him. I felt that I was the stupidest, most worthless person ever for having allowed this person to alienate me from everyone who loved me, for letting him control me and for believing I was at fault when he went into his rages etc. I can only imagine how very hard it was for my family and friends to not say *I told you so* or *What on earth were you thinking?* but God bless them, they bit their tongues and just loved me unconditionally.

3) For me, it was when I saw him deliberately hurt somebody Elsa in order to hurt me - that was the moment my blinkers fell off. I went to a lawyer who without being in any way condemnatory told me very gently *He isn't allowed to actually say or do any of these things, did you know that? There are laws against letting people behave like this. It is illegal to do what he is doing.* I suddenly realized he was behaving badly even criminally and it was NOT because I had cooked the wrong meal or smiled at his boss the wrong way etc etc

All you can do is love your daughter, and be as nonjudgmental as you possibly can (even if that means yelling into a pillow after each visit). She will see through this man in time and hopefully it will be before any innocent child or puppy gets hurt!

[PeiPei]

She should run like the wind.....I would rather go live in the pound with the rescue dog than live with someone like that!!!

My dogs come first in any relationship, and anyone who is too insecure to accept that knows where the door is...lol

I feel so sorry for you having to watch it all go on...must be tough x

[Aziah]

Maybe it's time to let this go. The dogs are cared for and if your daughter felt strongly enough, she'd have told her OH to take them back. You're starting to sound a little hysterical and obessed.

What?

I am uspet that there is a BYB out there, who is selling unvaccinated dogs. How would you feel, if you bought a puppy & a week later found out it has major health issues & after 3 weeks, you have spent nearly a $1,000 in Vets bills, with no recourse. :p

How would I feel? I'd feel strongly enough to go back to the breeder and take it further...it's evident there's some fear that your daughter shows towards her partner and that's far from healthy.

No matter how hard you try, you cannot help those who cannot or will not help themselves...

Really, the underlying problem here is your daughter being controlled by her partner to the point where she will not even contact the breeder of the puppy (a puppy who is costing thousands due to an irresponsible breeder) because he'll get upset!

Edited July 15, 2010 by Aziah

[poodlefan]

This situation puts me in mind of the serenity prayer:

God grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change;

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference.

Line 2 applies here to your daughter and her relationship. If your daughter chooses to behave like a doormat with her partner, nothing you do will make a difference.

She's a grown woman and can make her own choices. Stupid choices often have consequences and now they're finding that out. You may not agree or approve but you cannot live her life for her. All you can do leave the door open between you and be ready to pick up the pieces if she wises up enough to move on.

Perhaps you're so wound up about the dogs because you think they fit into the third line. It's not illegal to BYB pups and Im not sure its illegal to sell them unvaccinated. At any rate, its happened, you cannot change it so find a way to deal with it because the horse has bolted.

I appreciate its not fun to deal with this but acceptance that this is the life your daughter chooses to live may assist.

Edited July 15, 2010 by poodlefan