Please Help. My Daughter Is Terrified Of Our Dog.

[persephone]

Oh The boys will be feeling all sorts of things . How tough for you. Please don't tell them she 'ran away'....not sure how you are going to manage- but I woul strongly suggest professional help ASAP - human and dog ;)

[Paganman]

If you speak to the breeder they might take the dog back I dont reckon its fair on the dog or your daughter to keep it.Like someone else said a boxer wasnt probly the best choice .

[mrs tornsocks]

What a horrible situation for you boxerfamily.

Maybe worth a trip to your GP for some advice and a possible referral to someone for professional help ?

Perhaps you could ask the question of your breeder that Molly goes back to the breeder while you try and sort out the situation ? If she/he knows your boys love Molly so much maybe they might consider helping out by minding Molly for a few weeks while you talk to a counsellor etc.

Edited May 11, 2010 by mrs tornsocks

[Aziah]

I think you should first attempt to get your daughter some help, if that fails then you'll need to re-home the puppy...

If you don't try to get help for your daughter and rehome the puppy then you'll be left wondering what could have been?

[Simply Grand]

boxerfamily, I think you should try for some help before you rehome the dog.

This could well be a very serious issue for your daughter that requires ongoing treatment BUT it could also be something that can be fixed quite easily and quickly. Really, you may find that with the right help, your daughter can talk it through and figure out what exactly is causing her reaction. It may 'click' for her after one session and once she understands it, she may be able to overcome it quickly.

If you find that it is a longer term problem then you can look at rehoming the dog. I also wouldn't jump straight to the conclusion that a different/older/smaller dog would make any difference. It may, may not.

Unfortunately I can't recommend anyone, dog or human, in Sydney. I'm in Canberra, and haven't used a dog behaviourist (having only had a dog for 8 months!).

Any behavourists in Sydney who would be willing to see this family as a first step? Or anyone people could recommend?

[Cosmolo]

I missed that you had 3 boys as well- don't rehome the pup before trying some professional help. I think your concerns are well placed- would be awful to damage the relationship between the boys and your daughter over rehoming of the puppy.

Wish i was in Sydney to assist but i'm sure there will be some good reccomendations from other DOL members.

Just to give you an example of an exercise i have used before- i have had a few cases where the children have been frightened of the puppy/ dog in the home and once we have stopped some of the mouthing, jumping etc that is normally present we look to teach the dog to target (nose touch) an object. With fearful little girls, i have used the end of a fairy wand, initially taught by the parents with the child watching from a distance.

The idea is firstly to spark curiousity about what the puppy is doing and eventually work toward the child holding the wand with the puppy nose touching the end of the wand (away from the child) I've used it with great success a number of times and in combination with some other things that a professional who can see the situation would suggest, it may be something to consider.

[mita]

With a timid daughter there is no way I would have chosen a Boxer. They are larger than life, bouncy dogs.

I would rehome your large breed pup and look at getting a small, quiet breed which will give your daughter more confidence.

I am surprised the breeder sold you one to be honest. I'm sure you are fantastic owners but to me, it's a recipe for disaster.

I was thinking on similar lines re the choice of a boxer.

But I agree the OP has tried to do her best by her daughter & the pup. And continues to do so.

Not that I'm suggesting that the OP go out & buy a tibbie. But I wish I were in Sydney to see how the daughter goes when gently introduced to my small, calm tibbie girls. They look more like small, pretty monkeys! And they're cat-like in their behaviour.

You can actually test this via a photo. People with a phobia will react to a photo but at slightly lesser intensity, if the subject triggers it.

What I am suggesting is that the OP seek some professional help for what is a phobia (as she's menioned herself). It will be difficult for the daughter to go thro' life & totally avoid coming across dogs in the community. As the OP's described, she has severe signs of anxiety when she even sees one nearby.

My warmest wishes to the OP in working thro' this situation.

(Meant to add....certainly contact the pup's breeder.)

Edited May 12, 2010 by mita

[Jake-K9]

Your poor daughter I have always loved animals so I can't relate at all. I think the others have pretty much hit the nail on the head, try to get some help for your daughter before you look at rehoming pup. I wish you the best of luck with this!

If worst comes to worst and you do decide to move pup on, please please contact the breeder you got her off before you take her anywhere else. If the breeder isn't able to take her back they may be able to assist you with the rehoming process at least - much better than just taking her to the pound. I'm sure people on DOL would be able to help as well.

Best of luck, I hope you can find a solution to your dilemmas

[Dogsfevr]

See i will disagree, i believe the situation with having 3 boys is very important & i dont see how hanging on to the pup for 5/6/7/8 months & then rehoming would be fair when they are getting more attached.

It wont be fair on either side BUT the dog is the most important aspect at the moment & it is a pup that also needs stability.

If you do rehome i agree dont lie.contact your breeder who should be able to help.

There will be no easy answer but remember your daughter is 10 & in your own words always been scared all her life she this is a problem well established & will take time to deal with .

I feel for you we see people in our business scared of dogs,people who will only own small dogs or big dogs,cant cope around certain colours & the list goes on.

No easy option but in your heart im sure you now which will best suit Goodluck

[Red Fox]

Hi boxerfamily, I have sent you a PM with a recommendation ;)

I think what people need to realise is that if Sarah does have a true phobia/anxiety based issue then this fear is very real to her. It's not logical and wont change by getting a different/smaller/calmer/older dog, nor will it change by having a perfectly controlled dog -fear just doesn't work that way. Perhaps getting a boxer pupy was a mistake but it was done with the best intentions and has now given the family an opening to work through Sarahs issue.

Best of luck boxerfamily

[mokhahouse]

I really understand the OP situation, my youngest daughter was terrified not only of dogs but cats as well. She would literally freeze unable to speak or move if she saw one. Our collie passed when she was very small and we did not get another dog until she was 15. I think a boxer pup is probably to bouncy for her and the problem will only get worse as the pup grows. I sometimes find boxers, unless well trained to be overwhelming and I have labradors. If you are going to keep the pup the sooner you get started on obedience the better, I found with my daughter once the dogs began to obey her commands she was much more confident with them.

I think if she is this frightened at 10 years of age seeking some professional help would be a good idea, my daughter did improve as she got older and was able to think more rationally about the situation.ie the dog is on a leash it cannot bother me.

I dont know what I would do in your situation, it is clear you had the best of intentions in getting the pup. Perhaps a family discussion is needed including your boys who obviously know of their sisters fears and come to a decision as a family what is best for the pup as well as your daughter.

ETA I wish you best of luck with finding a solution that everyone involved can be ok with.

Edited May 12, 2010 by mokhahouse

[dee lee]

I really feel for you. My eldest (7yo) daughter was similar with our last dog.

When getting our current dog I was determined to get the least boisterous dog we could.

We adopted a 3yo GR, who was matched to my daughter by the rescue org (GRRescue).

My daughter loves Honey & did not take long to be comfortable with her, but despite my hopes, doesn't interact much with her & is still nervous of other dogs. As sad as I find it, I understand that she will never love animals like I do.

Whilst I think a boxer was not ideal in your situation, 3 of your kids love the dog so I would be inclined to work on your daughter's fears (& your dog's training) and wait for the dog to mature. Your daughter may not ever play with the dog, but that's ok, as long as you can find a way to help her feel safe.

[mita]

I found an article from the SMH, which explains dog phobia (among other phobias). A research fellow & clinical psychologist at the University of NSW provides the background....Dr Adam Guastella. May be one way to track down a professional who'd be familiar re children. Trouble is article dates to 2005 & may have moved on. (A google search found he's moved on to the University of Sydney.)

http://www.smh.com.au/articles/2005/11/03/1130823319617.html

Edited May 12, 2010 by mita

[raineth]

definitely seek out a child psychologist that can do Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT). CBT for phobias and fears is highly successful and I bet you'll be wishing you had only done it sooner. Also if she has this fear that is not based on experience (i.e. being bitten/attacked by a dog) it is perhaps indicating that she may have a tendency to be anxious about a variety things, and if this is the case, the psychologist will be able to help her manage that. In fact it would be an ideal time in her life to do this - before she enters adolescence

Thank you everyone for your advice, I really appreciate it.

So many questions.. I think my hubby and I are pretty calm with the pup, but we are not professionals by any means, this is the first dog either of us has owned. We have read all the books, done puppy preschool, and planned on going to obedience from 6 months.

I havn't wanted to think about re-homing Molly, but am now beginning to realise that we could have made a big mistake and maybe this is the best option for everyone. We naively thought that Sarah would just get used to having a dog and get over her fears, but this hasn't happened at all. Now Sarah is not comfortable in her own home, and Molly is not getting the family experience she needs or deserves. This is a horrible situation.

I am really worried about our 3 boys who love Molly, and how they are going to feel towards our daughter if Molly goes, and the guilt Sarah will feel on top of her anxieties. I have actually toyed with the idea of rehoming her in secret and telling the kids she ran away??? but I don't really like the idea of lying to my kids.

If we were to find a new home for her, how exactly is the best way to do that?? She is such a gorgeous dog who loves everybody (humans and dogs, and our chickens!).

First of all if you do end up needing to rehome her - the breeder is your first port of call.

secondly regarding your boys you need to tell them the truth, don't lie. then you need to explain very clearly to them why it is not fair for your daughter to live with something that causes her so much fear. Encourage them to see it from your daughter's point of view. And remind them that as a family they need to look out for each others' needs.

You sound like a nice caring family and I'm sure you will find a good solution ;)

I am hopeful you will not need to rehome the dog

[puggy_puggy]

I would agree that a more settled dog would have been a better choice but hopefully things can be worked out.

Perhaps also take a look at how you react and what messages you give, either verbally or physically, to your daughter.

Do you tense up? Do you start telling her not to be afraid and not to fear the dog? Do you tell her that it's ok when she starts to get afraid? Do you point out to her that you have photos of her and the dog and that she used to not be afraid? Do you change your behaviour at all? Or do you just go about things normally?

When dogs are scared we are told to ignore that behaviour and to continue on with our every day life so the dog will see that there is nothing to be afraid of. If we pander to the behaviour the dog learns that it's ok to act scared and will continue with that behaviour.

This is a totally different situation but just an example of how adults can influence children without even knowing it.....

I have witnessed a family setting up a child for failure in relation to them wanting to see if their child would have an allergic reacted to pug hair. Firstly they told me in front of the child that their child had allergic reactions to lots of things and that pug hair would probably set her off as well. Then they told the child they were going to test if she had an allergic reaction to the pug. They basically forced the child to stand near and interact with a pug whilst asking her continuosly if she was itchie, or had a runny nose etc. Now that child might well have been just fine with pug hair but her parents had psychologically influenced her so much that there was no way that she was not going to be itchie.

Edited May 12, 2010 by puggy_puggy

[Ms James]

I'd go for a two pronged approach with going to a psych for CBT for a few sessions and then getting a dog behaviourist on board, working in concert. The CBT will be an invaluable tool for her later in life as well, if she has any further developing anxiety problems she will be able to cope with them.

The "it's ok, look I can do it, the doggy's nice!" approach rarely works with anxiety sufferers, as they're so encased with what's going on in their minds. CBT will help her challenge her fears and, with the help of a dog behaviourist, will help her learn about dogs, how they react and eventually learn how to help train pup so that she can feel like she has control over the situation.

It'll be a very slow process, but definitely worth it in the end.

[mumof3]

Hi boxerfamily,

Sorry to hear about your situation. I am also a Mum, with three young kids.

I think you need to address two issues. Family counselling / child psychologist can help to determine if your daughters fears are a phobia or a learnt habit / behaviour issue (and I am in now way implying that the fear is not genuine), and make some useful suggestions about managing your daughters behaviour and fear.

Secondly professional trainer can help you to get that pup right under control, so that the pup can be controlled by your daughter when she is ready and by the other children. You can look at issues like jumping up, bite innhibition etc.

In the mean time, I think you should avoid (I'm sure you will) putting your daughter in any situation which triggers her fear. Be proactive in preventing the fear response, and don't make any big deal about it. If she does become afraid, remove the problem with as little attention / reassurance as possible and carry on as if nothing had happened.

You should spend time yourself, playing with the boys and the puppy, teaching games and enjoying yourselves in her view, without making any suggestion at all that she join you. Perhaps a trainer could reccommend some obedience type games for you to play with the boys and the puppy.

I think a boxer is a lovely family dog and the type of dog is not to blame for this problem. The problem is an irrational fear, or an ingrained habit of fear, or a learnt behaviour of fear = cuddles / reassurance.

This is not judgement at all on your parenting skills - just a perspective and a few ideas from someone who knows very little about your family. I happen to think that these problems (habits, learnt negative behaviours) are extremely common, and it is only excellent parents like yourselves that go searching for answers.

I'm sure with the right support, you can solve this problem and the family can continue to enjoy your lovely boxer puppy.

[Jaxx'sBuddy]

if it was me, i would temporarily remove the puppy as i would not let my child live with such a high level of stress.

i would then get my child to a psychologist asap and find out what the issue is.

i would tell the boys why this was happening and get them to understand why it is important for the family to follow this plan of action.

if the psych said having the puppy at home would be good for the child then i would bring the dog back.

if the psych said the issue would not be resolved with the puppy in the home then i would rehome the puppy back to the breeder if possible.

i know this sounds harsh for the puppy but reducing my childs stress would be my focus.

Edited May 12, 2010 by Jaxx'sBuddy

[oakway]

I don't think some councilling would hurt, she has some anxiety which isn't a nice feeling so some help with that would be good.

Is she truely terrified or using the behaviour because it 'works'?

I am inclined to agree.

[Mollie10]

Our boy Ziggy was rehomed from a very similar situation. He lived in a family of 3 children. The middle child was terrified of him and remained terrified of him even with professional help. Poor Zig was living the life of an outside dog, when he is a sleep on the bed and cuddle on your knee type dog.

They made the hard decision to rehome him and contacted his breeder, who then contacted us (she knew we were considering a second dog).

Ziggy and the eldest (a 7 year old boy) were very close and I know he felt the loss of Ziggy keenly. I added his old owner as a Facebook friend and regularly post picture and stories so the little boy knows that Ziggy is very loved, happy and healthy. If you do have to rehome your boxer, see if his new owner can do something similar. There is nothing worse than having your dog taken away and forever wondering if s/he had a good life.

Definately try counselling first though, although it is doubtful that if she has such a strong phobia of dogs she will ever be 100% comfortable around them.