Is This Acceptable Behaviour?

[Kirislin]

Jls, I do so apprectiate the time you have taken to write, BUT, she wouldn't do any of this. She WANTS him to feel superior, once when I spoke to her about it & said she is making him dangerous by the way she treats him her words were, & I quote "but I am afraid he won't love me anymore". Before she got this dog she always laughed & kind of shuddered in distaste because some of my whippets sleep in bed with me. I dont have dominance issues with them though.

Now this dog sleeps on her bed, & takes up most of the room so she is often squeezed over on the edge.

When the program the Dog Listener was on the ABC I kept telling her about it & even got her to watch a couple of programs. The method was (this is putting it very basically) to ignore the dog, particularly when it demanded attention. She agreed that it was a good program but absolutely wouldn't apply it to her dog. She even got annoyed with me when I ignored his demands. She kept telling me to pat him &/or she would interfere when he was 'at me' even though I asked her to ignore it.

She just wont change, she doesn't want to. I think she now just wants to shut out the world & just live with her dog. The more I try to get her to see what she is doing the more she shuts me out. It's like I am one of the enemy, just another person who doesn't understand her, even though we've been friends for decades & she has seen me through some of the roughest times of my life.

Linda

[Erny]

This is a long shot but is there a chance you could entice her to be involved with any responsible and knowledgeable "dog-group" type people? Nothing formal - even just on a social level to begin with? Not to sit and talk about dogs (although I know that's what we have a natural tendancy to either start on or get around to ), but just out for a social afternoon/evening?

Perhaps by 'gentling' into this type of group she'd gradually pick up on snippets people mention and over time she'd probably hear 'tips' being repeated between the members of the group. She might even, with time, begin to ask for advice regarding her own dog (which would be a huge sign that she's turning the corner, IMO.) Would that help her 'come around'? At least 'getting out' and learning to enjoy the company of others might be a helpful start and eventually might help her build the confidence to open her mind as far as her dog is concerned.

Who knows ....... she might even get interested in partaking of some sort of dog course which would further her education (the information from which, not coming from a friend or being introduced by a friend, might be more accepted).

Edited August 13, 2006 by Erny

[jls]

Hi Linda,

I agree with Erny. Try another method,of softly,softly approach. Let her decide, without pressure, open up other avenues to her.

Atleast she's seeing a professional,and attempting to help herself. That,atleast means she's leaving the home.

Gradually, see if she'd join you for coffee or movie etc. Or what ever you both are interested in. Than gradually lead back to the interest of pets etc

Let the time you spend together,be her escape an relax time etc

I think obviously she's retracting as a coping mechanism, the more you impose upon her,the more suffocated she'll feel.( That'd include telling her how to fix her pets behavioural probs)

Let her have her safety zone and breathing space.

If she's definitely not upto it, than perhaps,get dolers to suggest a reputable dog behaviourist in her area etc. You could try saying it's to help your whippets with a prob(not that I think they have one etc) and invite her to just watch and learn. See how she feels etc. (quietly ask their advice on her pets' situation - not infront of her etc)

Might change her mind. (get the behaviourists card to take home)

All the best Linda,I hope it goes well for you all,

jls

[haven]

Perhaps she could see someone that is trained in both human and canine psychology? I know of a few such people, PM me if you're interested.

[Guest Stevie'sGreat]

Hi, if you've known her for decades, do you know enough of her family and other friends (even if she's now estranged) to be in a position to talk to them as well? It sounds like she's very very depressed, if there's anyone else who is caring about her situation then it might help you to talk to them. There are no miracles with depression, there is just hard work. I think the suggestion of meeting your friend outside - e.g. movies, lunch - away from your dogs and hers, is a great idea. Best wishes for a very difficult situation.

[Kirislin]

I cant get her away from her dog. Everywhere she goes, so does her dog. The only time he wasn't with her was when her husband was dying in hospital, then she arranged for a friend to sit with the dog the whole time....days. The dog even attended the funeral. They are joined together, inseparable.

Linda

[Erny]

I cant get her away from her dog. Everywhere she goes, so does her dog.

Would she not come out with her dog in the car and be happy to meet for lunch with a few friends, leaving her dog in the car (not in hot/warm weather, of course)?

Short of this, I've got no other suggestions.

[jls]

I think haven, may have a very good point, get the contact details of a behaviourist,who deals with human pschycology as well.

See if you can get advice from them etc. Plus,introduce her (your friend)( by inviting him to your place, with the pretence of helping your whippets etc)

I wouldn't do the, charade,of pretending her prob,is yours etc,as I feel,you'll only succeed in humiliating her ,and she'll feel betrayed. As you are her only support, be discreet.

But let her spectate and maybe,she'll feel compelled to seek his advice herself etc. Just make sure the behaviourist leaves two business cards etc. (open that avenue up to her)

Can suggest a picnic,outing etc Or find out locations of those canine/people cafes etc. They are becoming popular.

It must be tough on you,your such a good friend, I hope that,in time, between her seeking help and your supportiveness,she'll get stronger.

I sincerely wish you and your friend and pet,the best.

jls

[Kirislin]

Well, this had a very sad & rather bizarre ending for me. A person who has been actively stalking me for several years now & found this thread, as I mostly use the same cybername on the forums I am on. She twigged who my friend was after I said how long we'd been buddies. Although she was never a friend to her, (my friend never liked or trusted her) this person rang her & told her that I had written about her here. She pretended to want to help her but if she was sincere she wouldn't have gone about it this way, besides they hadn't spoken in about 15 years & as I said, she never liked this person they were not friends, so a phone call out of the blue must have been very surprising.

I am saddened that this person is so ruthless in her efforts to hurt me, knowing how fragile my friend is to ring her & tell her like that.

I have sent my friend a copy of what I wrote here as I would rather her read it than get an edited version from "the person".

Linda

Edited March 30, 2008 by Kirislin

[lab and poodle]

I so feel for you. My OH got stalked by a colleague on a course which dealt with mental health issues. We were dam worried and she wasn't a realtive. As my OH has had 16+ years of experience in the mental health field, and we both have experience in using dogs in mental health settings (there is amazing stuff going on) . You can PM if you want for some suggestions, contacts. It is tricky, sometimes scary, and sometimes a bit hurtful. It can also be very uplifting sometimes. There isn't a lot of room for generalizations though!

[Jejuna]

it might be time to change your forum names by the sound of it. I'm sure the moderators would do that for you.