My Beautiful Cassie Girl

[spazybeagle]

It's been 12 days since Cassie died. I thought the tears had finally dried up.

I had to go to the vet with my other special girl Polly. First time there since 12 days ago.

There was a new girl at the front desk. As I was paying the bill, she thrust a box at me.

It was Cassie's remains.

It was like I had been hit in heart all over again. Standing there trying to function, deal with money etc, other people all around. I couldn't see for the tears pouring down, shaking, sunnies back on.

I found Cassie at a pet shop in a cage for $20, 12 1/2 years ago. A shepard x puppy.

That's her picture on the side, with Polly.

I have lived in Cairns for the past 13 years, only moving 7 weeks ago to nsw. caring for my sick mother, don't know anyone here, it's very isolated. we bought the house for the water views. Didn't think that it was too far for anyone to visit. Sold my lovely house at the beach up there. Left the remains of a 17 year long relationship, that was dragging around for the last 2 years.

Cassie was my strength and courage. She would leap off rocks into the river, fearlessly! sometimes landing on my ex's head. She got me through the break up. Got me through everything.

She would run for miles along the cane paddocks beside me.

Many years ago we were swimming in the river, only to look to see a croc coming towards us!!!!!

I would often wake in the night with her head on my pillow.

She had a litter of pups. The boy, Combi, was breached and I pulled him out. He was my baby. He died when he was 4. I still cry about him.

Around that time I adopted Polly, a 9month old Beagle. Polly adored Cassie. Totally. Cassie would groom her, cuddle her, be gentle with her.

The first walk after Cassie left was unbearable. I felt like the whole world could see something was missing, like my arm or leg. Walking blindly, trying hard not to cry.

I always thought Cas would get sore legs, then a bit of dementia. Everyone said how fine she looked for her age. I was sure I had another year or two. Then all of a sudden on the Thursday 3rd may, she woke up and was totally dissoriented, staring at the wall, not able to walk properly. The vet couldn't work out what was wrong. He gave her some pain relief and she came good in minutes. The next day, Friday, she wwas fine for a while, She slowly followed me outside, but couldnt get back up the stairs. The vet did more tests. She hated the vet, always shook and shook, sitting very still like a good girl for me. I had to leave her there while they did ultrasounds. Nothing. Bought her home all dopy from the drugs. Had a yummy diner and cuddels all night on the couch. That night I had to call an ambulance for my mother ( nothing too serious). Cassie girl was back, happy, nosing around, wanting to check out what was in the ambo's bag.

We wnet back to bedat 4am. She had her head on my pillow. She gazed at me with her big brown eyes till I fell asleep cuddling her.

I slept in till 7ish. Polly woke me yelping. Cassie was lying in her own mess and couldnt get up. Rushed to the vet. they told me to leave her with them, they would ring. We actually had friends over that day, so I had to come back to fix lunch. Ringing the vets all the time. Finally at 3 they rang and said to come down.

My beautiful strong girl was lying flat out on the table with a gas mask. I took it off so she could small me and then she died.

I wish I had been there with her all day. She was so scared at the vets. She would have been so worried there all along.

I just wish I could have one more day to be with her and love her.

It turned out she had a tumour in her her heart. She must have had a very big strong heart to have lasted so well for this long.

Polly and I have been grieveing. i became obsessed with the idea that getting another puppy friend for Polly would make her happier, and would fill the hole in my heart. After much research online, and at first looking for dogs that looked like Cass, I got a golden retriever male 8 week old pup2 days ago.

I didn't know how long I should wait. I thought it would make things better.

Polly hates him. She won't even come near me now. Last night instead of being curled up with me on the couch, I couldn't find her. Finally after an hour of searching, she was in the yeard, right in the back corner by the fence, under some stuff. I sat and cried with her. tThen of course, big wooly bundle of puppy comes over to plead polly to like him, and she slowly wanders away.

I have made a terrible mistake getting him. He needs my love, and I guess i am not ready. Polly wont respond, she wont come in as he peed at thetop of the stairs, she hides and seems so sad.

Just now, after the vet incident, I got it together enough to drive home. The last few days I have noticed an old mangy dog hanging around 2 doors down. Polly jumped out of the car, wandered out the front and stopped in her tracks, her tail quivering.She bolted foward, tail wagging madly. She was looking at old dog. Then she stopped just as suddenly. I recognised he was an old Shepard x. Polly stood staring at him for probably 3 full minutes, not moving a muscle. The tears, alwas nearby recently, started pouring as I realised she thouht it might be Cassie. I took her over to say hello, when another dog from that house chaced us away.

I dont know what to do really. I have posted here in the training section about polly and puppy. I rushed in trying to make it better, and have just made everything worse. He pees everywhere, crys for me, annoys the H*** out of Polly. I am also caring for my eldery sick, immobile mother, after living away for so many years and can just not cope with anything else.

Im sorry for such a long post. If you made it this far, thanks for reading.

This is my beautiful girl, Cassie.

[Daisy]

So sorry to hear of your loss. I don't have any suggestions to help you, but just wanted you to know that somebody is thinking of you.

[peibe]

So sorry to hear that you have been through so much

If I was you I would be trying to return the puppy to his breeder and taking more time for you and Polly to over come your loss

Cassie is still with you

[3shepherds]

Oh you poor thing - and Polly too. Not to mention your new baby - lots of to all of you.

I don't really know what to say to help. What is very indicative from your post is that you don't mention your new puppy by name and I think both you and Polly are still grieving so much that you're both finding it very hard to accept a newcomer - as much as you want to. It's early days yet though. Maybe you could crate the puppy at night so he's separate from Polly? and then give Polly all your attention. During the day try not to fuss too much over the newcomer when Polly is around. Maybe there is a dog club in the area where you can take the puppy for some special bonding/time out?

You seem to have an awful lot on your plate at the moment and you need to take care.

I can feel your pain and I'm so sorry you are suffering so much.

ed - missed a word out...

Edited May 16, 2007 by 3shepherds

[Her Majesty Dogmad]

So sorry to hear of your loss. I have just lost 2 of my dogs in a fortnight and although 3 weeks have gone by, the grief just keeps welling up and coming out, sometimes when I least expect it. I really understand how you feel and I know it is hard because many people (friends, colleagues etc.) cannot empathise.

One of my friends suggested I see a Dr last night but I think with grief, you need to work through it and there's no given amount of time that this will take. Everyone is different.

I think it is good to get some support, DOL is great for that but you might like to seek out some more. I've just done a google search and found some sources:

http://www.chancesspot.org/

http://www.petalert.com.au/memorial/resource.php

I will look at your other thread regarding the puppy issues.

Go easy on yourself.

[Ilovemydogs]

I have tears in my eyes.

Thinking of you all.

[KatLek]

be strong.

cassie is in a good place.

run free sweet girl.

[Kodiak]

The grief we feel for the loss of our pets is no different to how we feel about other deaths in our lives. In many cases our pets are like our children and while we know their lives are short in comparrison to ours we fall so deeply in love with them and it hurts like hell when the time comes and we lose them. My beautiful Wolfie had to be euthanased last July. I still cry about her but it has got a bit easier to bear the pain of her leaving.

Can you do something to help you grieve? Make up an album, write a eulogy. Make a memorial garden. Something that can help you focus on your beautiful Cassie and let the feelings out. It's okay to cry, it's okay to feel very low... talking to someone who understands can help and perhaps this is what Dogmad's friend meant about seeing a doctor. There is no smooth formula for grief... you cannot know when the cloud will begin lifting and right now you may not want it to.

It sounds like you have a lot to deal with at the moment. Do you think you can give this new puppy what he needs? It may be best to discuss the situation with his breeder, the timing may just not be right at the moment.

Thinking of you.

[spazybeagle]

Dear DoL members,

thank you for your kind words and support.

I took puppy back to his family yesterday. It was all too much to deal with. His breeder will find another loving family for him. I couldn't give him 100% at the moment.

I don't feel bad about it. when I got home, Polly came out and did her happy snoopy dance, and ran around laughing!!! It was lovely. We need some happy time together for a year or two at least. The change in her mood last night was amazing. As the vet said, she has me wrapped aroung her paw, but that's ok.

Going through this has also helped the healing start as it showed me what we need at the moment, and that is each other.

Gabby.

- this is Polly.

[3shepherds]

You have made a decision and that's a start. Good luck to you and Polly

[ShellyBeggs]

*big hugs*

Its been such a hard time for you and I hope you are looking after yourself and by that I don't just mean health wise but those extra little spoilings you need.

Take a bath, paint your nails, get a new haircut or something.....!!!!!

If not you will have all of DOL there to drag you out and to spoil you rotten!

All my love to you and Cassie over the rainbow bridge and to Polly.......and my best wishes to the puppy and his new home!

Please know we all have family over the rainbowbridge.......and you are not alone!

Anytime you wanna chat or what ever feel free to PM me!

Cheers

Shelly

[MelissaS]

I just wanted to say how touched I was by your post. I am so so sorry for your loss.It is very painful to lose our dogs.It caused me more pain than when some human family members passed away

I really empathise and feel for you both. I hope you and Polly will help eachother get through it.

Thanks for sharing your story. I hope your pain will ease.Wishing you both the very best luck.xo