It's been 12 days since Cassie died. I thought the tears had finally dried up.
I had to go to the vet with my other special girl Polly. First time there since 12 days ago.
There was a new girl at the front desk. As I was paying the bill, she thrust a box at me.
It was Cassie's remains.
It was like I had been hit in heart all over again. Standing there trying to function, deal with money etc, other people all around. I couldn't see for the tears pouring down, shaking, sunnies back on.
I found Cassie at a pet shop in a cage for $20, 12 1/2 years ago. A shepard x puppy.
That's her picture on the side, with Polly.
I have lived in Cairns for the past 13 years, only moving 7 weeks ago to nsw. caring for my sick mother, don't know anyone here, it's very isolated. we bought the house for the water views. Didn't think that it was too far for anyone to visit. Sold my lovely house at the beach up there. Left the remains of a 17 year long relationship, that was dragging around for the last 2 years.
Cassie was my strength and courage. She would leap off rocks into the river, fearlessly! sometimes landing on my ex's head. She got me through the break up. Got me through everything.
She would run for miles along the cane paddocks beside me.
Many years ago we were swimming in the river, only to look to see a croc coming towards us!!!!!
I would often wake in the night with her head on my pillow.
She had a litter of pups. The boy, Combi, was breached and I pulled him out. He was my baby. He died when he was 4. I still cry about him.
Around that time I adopted Polly, a 9month old Beagle. Polly adored Cassie. Totally. Cassie would groom her, cuddle her, be gentle with her.
The first walk after Cassie left was unbearable. I felt like the whole world could see something was missing, like my arm or leg. Walking blindly, trying hard not to cry.
I always thought Cas would get sore legs, then a bit of dementia. Everyone said how fine she looked for her age. I was sure I had another year or two. Then all of a sudden on the Thursday 3rd may, she woke up and was totally dissoriented, staring at the wall, not able to walk properly. The vet couldn't work out what was wrong. He gave her some pain relief and she came good in minutes. The next day, Friday, she wwas fine for a while, She slowly followed me outside, but couldnt get back up the stairs. The vet did more tests. She hated the vet, always shook and shook, sitting very still like a good girl for me. I had to leave her there while they did ultrasounds. Nothing. Bought her home all dopy from the drugs. Had a yummy diner and cuddels all night on the couch. That night I had to call an ambulance for my mother ( nothing too serious). Cassie girl was back, happy, nosing around, wanting to check out what was in the ambo's bag.
We wnet back to bedat 4am. She had her head on my pillow. She gazed at me with her big brown eyes till I fell asleep cuddling her.
I slept in till 7ish. Polly woke me yelping. Cassie was lying in her own mess and couldnt get up. Rushed to the vet. they told me to leave her with them, they would ring. We actually had friends over that day, so I had to come back to fix lunch. Ringing the vets all the time. Finally at 3 they rang and said to come down.
My beautiful strong girl was lying flat out on the table with a gas mask. I took it off so she could small me and then she died.
I wish I had been there with her all day. She was so scared at the vets. She would have been so worried there all along.
I just wish I could have one more day to be with her and love her.
It turned out she had a tumour in her her heart. She must have had a very big strong heart to have lasted so well for this long.
Polly and I have been grieveing. i became obsessed with the idea that getting another puppy friend for Polly would make her happier, and would fill the hole in my heart. After much research online, and at first looking for dogs that looked like Cass, I got a golden retriever male 8 week old pup2 days ago.
I didn't know how long I should wait. I thought it would make things better.
Polly hates him. She won't even come near me now. Last night instead of being curled up with me on the couch, I couldn't find her. Finally after an hour of searching, she was in the yeard, right in the back corner by the fence, under some stuff. I sat and cried with her. tThen of course, big wooly bundle of puppy comes over to plead polly to like him, and she slowly wanders away.
I have made a terrible mistake getting him. He needs my love, and I guess i am not ready. Polly wont respond, she wont come in as he peed at thetop of the stairs, she hides and seems so sad.
Just now, after the vet incident, I got it together enough to drive home. The last few days I have noticed an old mangy dog hanging around 2 doors down. Polly jumped out of the car, wandered out the front and stopped in her tracks, her tail quivering.She bolted foward, tail wagging madly. She was looking at old dog. Then she stopped just as suddenly. I recognised he was an old Shepard x. Polly stood staring at him for probably 3 full minutes, not moving a muscle. The tears, alwas nearby recently, started pouring as I realised she thouht it might be Cassie. I took her over to say hello, when another dog from that house chaced us away.
I dont know what to do really. I have posted here in the training section about polly and puppy. I rushed in trying to make it better, and have just made everything worse. He pees everywhere, crys for me, annoys the H*** out of Polly. I am also caring for my eldery sick, immobile mother, after living away for so many years and can just not cope with anything else.
Im sorry for such a long post. If you made it this far, thanks for reading.
This is my beautiful girl, Cassie.
